Is this economic abuse?

[OutofIdeas86]

I've been with my husband for 14 years - married for 12. 2 kids.
I work FT.
For most of this time, we earnt the same, but in last 3 years he earns significantly more - about 3 times more than me (over £100k).
We live in a fairly modest house he bought a long time ago with his ex. The mortgage is basically paid off. the mortgage is in the name of him and his now very elderly father. I've never been named on the mortgage, or any bills.
My husband pays all the household bills.
But I pay all cost relating to the children, including car used to take them to school.
I do every pick up and drop off, I pay childminder.
Every month I run out of money. If I ask him to even 'borrow' money he will explode. so I avoid and borrow off my sister or friends.
I don't know the balance of any of his accounts, savings, shares, mortgage.

This came to a head recently where he refused to give me money to feed the kids as punishment for being 'financially irresponsible'.

I have recently started to question future of the marriage, and realise that I could potentially be in difficulty - as for example, house is 50% his dads, so that means I could only get half of a half.

If I left, I'd have to leave with nothing until divorce - where I presume I could at least get some of saving, which I think are substantial (as his mortgage is only about 10% of his net income.)

This absolutely is abuse.

Remember, one type of abuse isn't any 'better' or 'worse'. It doesn't matter if he doesn't hit you or the kids, or if he isn't a drunk or a cheater. Abuse is abuse.

Well it is - but you seem to be saying you earn over £30k and don't pay a mortgage or any household bills out of this.

How exactly are you running out of money every month?

Childminder alone could be a couple of £k.

Yes it is abuse.

I think he is liable to pay child maintenance as soon as you separate, you don’t have to wait till the divorce is final. There is an online calculator that the CSA have which you can use to work out what he will have to pay you in child maintenance.

That was my first thought. Are the children infants or is the childminder for after school? You seem to be paying a colossal amount just for children and a car!

That said, you should absolutely know how much money your husband has saved, and have access to it when needed.

Why don’t you tell him you want both your wages to go into one pot and be budgeted from that pot?

You could split up and both stay in the house and start the divorce process

There is no 'but' in abuse.Do you really not see that?

My car was £4000, he paid for this but I have to pay him back £400 a month. I also have appliances I bought on credit, and pay back monthly.

Childcare around £400.

Kids clubs and clothing, activities etc.

He insist that me and kids are out of house all day on a Saturday, this in itself costs a lot as I end up eating in cafes, going into shops etc.

Admittedly I could spend less, but I don't think I'm excessive.

This sounds bad - your last post in particular. Why are you paying for appliances on credit? And why do you need to be out every Saturday?

Just divorce him, get your share and put in a cms claim

he’s appalling

you may be entitled to more than 50% of assets

This is without doubt abuse and you should file for divorce and enlist a forensic accountant as he will hide his money from you.

He throws you and the children out of the house on a Saturday that is truly awful. It is all over abusive

I recently divorced.

There is/was hidden money I knew nothing about. The divorce process doesn’t force them to reveal stuff if they’ve been sneaky and kept it hidden from you.

In hindsight I regret that before I brought up the subject of divorce, I didn’t go ‘snooping’ to find out about his pension funds, bank accounts etc. I expect a lot of it was online - so I’m not sure how far I would have got. I’m still reeling from the amount of stuff that has gradually come to light post divorce.

Once the talk of divorce is out of the bag, you won’t have a hope in hell in finding out anything.

I wish now I’d got a forensic accountant or someone like that to unearth these things. It sounds like you don’t have much cash but I would suggest you go to family or anyone you can to ask for a loan.

But he is a bully and it is financial abuse. Oh and you need to check, just in case, he’s not got stuff out in your name. I guess a credit score check is needed.

I know it all sounds awful. But I’m now a couple of years in, post divorce 6months, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m now about to move very close to my adult daughter. He’s ruined his relationship with her by the way he’s treated me.

I’m sorry op, it doesn’t sound like he cares for any of you very much - and yes, it is abuse. To be so well off and let you get into debt, and even ‘punish’ you??? Make you pay back for the car? You’re not the hired hep! Can you contact woman’s aid? They will be able to help you with advice and planning. Hope you’re ok x

I was going to say this. As they say, get your ducks in a row. Gather evidence of everything! Don't say a word. Look to see what benefits you would eligible for, use the CMS calculator for a rough estimate, speak to a solicitor. Get evidence of how you are the main carer, get it documented with school/nursery that you do everything, same with doctors etc. Do not tell him and then do these things!
Abusive men usually become worse after the relationship ends. So you need to be smart and get evidence of the mortgage, savings, pensions.
I would also suggest slowly moving out important things to a safe location. Passports, birth certificates, photos, memory items, an emergency bag for you and the kids with pjs etc. Stash at a really reliable friend or family member's house.
If you choose to move out rather than staying in the home, then I would get everything set up, hire a moving van while he is out and take everything you want from the house. Or you'll never get a thing (my experience!).

Why does he throw you and the kids out of the house on Saturdays? This is awful, OP. Please start putting yourself and the kids first.

The key words are “explode” and “punishment” - this is coercive control.

Please consider leaving him, this is no way to live, 100% financial abuse.

Yes it’s abuse. Get legal advice.