Kids excitement in seeing ex

HidingUnderMyDuvet · 2025-07-25T19:48:23+00:00

I know I need to give my head a wobble, but please can anyone help me get over the feeling of hurt/betrayal when my kids are so excited to see their dad. Im happy for them, but also so hurt that they seem so excited. We have only been separated for a few months and contact is patchy because he works away a lot. So I get it. It just hurts. Please tell me it gets easier? Can I do anything to make it get easier quicker?!

millymollymoomoo · 25/07/2025 21:15

Why do you feel hurt /betrayal ?

Loveduppenguin · 25/07/2025 21:16

Why do you feel betrayed? He is their dad, they are allowed to love him…

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2025 21:22

They must miss him a lot, they love him, he’s their dad! It’s good they want to see him. What’s troubling you?

BlueRin5eBrigade · 25/07/2025 21:24

Would you prefer that they hated him? He's their dad of course the love him and are excited to see him. That's a good sign. I would be worried if they werent. I doesn't mean that they don't love you. Ultimately, it's healthy for your kids to have a positive relationship with both parents.

While they are with their dad do nice things for yourself. Do things you wqnt to do for yourself. Treat yourself. It doesn't have to be expense. Sit and read a book. Put on music and have a dance.

Original poster

HidingUnderMyDuvet · 25/07/2025 22:05

To answer all of the posters asking why I feel hurt...

I guess he is treating me appallingly which I am finding hard after 20 years together. He flits in and out of their lives when it suits him. I am their constant, and do all of the grunt work.

I absolutely know they love him, and they deserve to see him. I wish he would see them more but he won't. It just feels like a gut punch when I say that they will see him and they cheer. Like I'm somehow not good enough?

Like I said, I know I need to give my head a wobble, but it still hurts. I was hoping for some advice and commiseration really, from people who may have felt the same.

OP posts:

BookArt55 · 25/07/2025 22:08

Is it because you don't see them be excited about seeing you? You are the constant and dad gets the excitement, I can kind of understand that it is hard to see when you don't see the same excitement about yourself, especially when goh do the bulk of the work and put so much in to the day to day and special things.
You need to remember that you are a constant, you are reliable and safe. That feeling is the one we all want, we take it for granted but in times of need we want safety and not excitement. So try to remember that (this is what I tell myself!)

Original poster

HidingUnderMyDuvet · 25/07/2025 22:09

BlueRin5eBrigade · 25/07/2025 21:24

Would you prefer that they hated him? He's their dad of course the love him and are excited to see him. That's a good sign. I would be worried if they werent. I doesn't mean that they don't love you. Ultimately, it's healthy for your kids to have a positive relationship with both parents.

While they are with their dad do nice things for yourself. Do things you wqnt to do for yourself. Treat yourself. It doesn't have to be expense. Sit and read a book. Put on music and have a dance.

Thanks, that is all very good points. I am glad they want to see him. And I am genuinely happy that they are excited. Which is probably why I am asking for help in understanding the conflicting hurt I feel.

Good suggestions to distract myself.

I think I just need to keep reminding myself that they need to be at the centre of everything. It is just so fresh and raw and confusing at the moment. There isn't really a routine for contact at the moment and it is very confusing.

OP posts:

Original poster

HidingUnderMyDuvet · 25/07/2025 22:11

BookArt55 · 25/07/2025 22:08

Is it because you don't see them be excited about seeing you? You are the constant and dad gets the excitement, I can kind of understand that it is hard to see when you don't see the same excitement about yourself, especially when goh do the bulk of the work and put so much in to the day to day and special things.
You need to remember that you are a constant, you are reliable and safe. That feeling is the one we all want, we take it for granted but in times of need we want safety and not excitement. So try to remember that (this is what I tell myself!)

Yes! You've put it into the words I couldn't find. I suppose I feel resentful that I do all the hard work and life admin, he gets the disney dad/single life and the kids love it all so much.

It's just tough. I am their comfort though, and that is important.

OP posts:

BlueRin5eBrigade · 25/07/2025 22:13

You are doing all the heavy lifting. The actual, boring, hard, drudgery, parenting. While he gets to be the fun Disney dad stuff. It's fucking irritating. You can't compare the relationships. While he is fun and a novelty you are consistent, present and the one actually raising them. They will see the value in that eventually. Although, it will be when the are much older. In the meantime cheer with them and get excited for them. Don't let their excitement get tarnished by you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2025 22:14

HidingUnderMyDuvet · 25/07/2025 22:05

To answer all of the posters asking why I feel hurt...

I guess he is treating me appallingly which I am finding hard after 20 years together. He flits in and out of their lives when it suits him. I am their constant, and do all of the grunt work.

I absolutely know they love him, and they deserve to see him. I wish he would see them more but he won't. It just feels like a gut punch when I say that they will see him and they cheer. Like I'm somehow not good enough?

Like I said, I know I need to give my head a wobble, but it still hurts. I was hoping for some advice and commiseration really, from people who may have felt the same.

Of course you have hurt and mixed feelings. This guy has treated you like crap and everyone else that you love and loves you therefore despises him, but those kids only get one dad so they have to love him. And you've probably been a great mum and not let your storm get them wet so they won't know the extent of his cruelty to you.
It's also so so so unfair that the absent parent gets to be the fun one while we are exhausted. We do the middle of the night feeds we do bathtime we do the early starts we do the appointment booking. And they show up and go bowling or to McDonald's and the kids love it and associated them with their best time ever.

Ugh.

My only advice is to plan LOVELY things for yourself when they are with dad. Nails done, massage, facial, cinema, dates etc - something to get YOU excited so that you can match their energy!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2025 22:15

BookArt55 · 25/07/2025 22:08

Is it because you don't see them be excited about seeing you? You are the constant and dad gets the excitement, I can kind of understand that it is hard to see when you don't see the same excitement about yourself, especially when goh do the bulk of the work and put so much in to the day to day and special things.
You need to remember that you are a constant, you are reliable and safe. That feeling is the one we all want, we take it for granted but in times of need we want safety and not excitement. So try to remember that (this is what I tell myself!)

I agree - they won't get adrenaline rush, heart beating fast excitement for mum. They will get my whole nervous system feels safe and soothed and at home and calm and I'm so loved and I belong here. That's winning really op x

timestheyareachanging25 · 26/07/2025 07:41

I have the same feelings OP and contact with my ex and the children is very very sporadic. It’s hard not to feel a sort of betrayal and lack of loyalty for want of a better word - we are only human after all. My eldest however has started to realise the sort of man he is and sees through the little act he has going on. The youngest obviously still think the sun shines out of his backside.

I disagree with the poster that said “you only get one dad so they have to love him”. No they don’t have to love him at all.

millymollymoomoo · 26/07/2025 08:33

Kids with the best outcomes in life have two parents in their lives, even if it’s sporadic.
i understand where you’re coming from but you’re the reliable one, the one that makes sure they’re cared for and looked after, the one who makes sacrifices fur them, who nurtures them, who they can trust etc. as they grow they’ll realise and value this much more.

in the meantime simply wave them off with a smile and use that time to recharge yourself and do something for you