More lies and financial control

[Witsend25]

Hi all. I’ve posted on here previously explaining my situation regarding husband lying about significant bonuses and hiding financial information. Back in April I filed for divorce and since then my world has been torn apart. We have children and he has refused to leave the house. Begging for forgiveness etc.
Lots of things over the years including name calling, marching off, eye rolling. Childish behaviour.
Fast forward to June and after the financial disclosure has been sent to solicitor I discover a new letter from june stating he’s cashed in £4K of shares to the bank of his choice. He failed to tell me until i confronted him a few days later.

anyway, my question is am I being too critical or are these red flags I have every right to be furious about? He begged me to attend couples counselling which I did around the same time of the shares letter. He was declaring love for me and sorry. Yet without me knowing he was withdrawing joint assets. He now says sorry again and wanted to take the children on holiday. Says I’m fixated by money but all I’m bothered about is the lies and deceit. He’s told me to grow up and I’m pathetic in the past as well as saying similar to children, blaming one daughter for the breakdown of our marriage.

Are you saying that you have both completed Form E and these shares were stated on that and he has now sold them and taken the cash for himself ?

Hi, my advice to you is to continue doing what feels right and fair to you and what your solicitor tells you to do.

Im sorry, but your husband is no longer your friend. This all started because you say he lied and hid money. I haven’t seen your other posts. But you know he has lied to you and has hidden money from you, I presume even before divorce was mentioned?

Now that you are divorcing, why would he start suddenly being honest when it would serve him no purpose. He will be doubling down on his efforts to convince you that you are the problem, not him.

He is not your friend anymore. He is a liar and he sees the only way to get what he wants is to carry on lying and manipulating you and make you feel that you are the guilty party.

I speak from very bitter experience. I finally divorced my ex for deceit (emotionally and financially). The final consent was six months ago. I have just found out that three years before any thoughts of divorce was considered, he cashed in a couple of company pensions I didn’t know anything about. I don’t know what he did with the money, but it didn’t appear on the financial disclosure during the divorce. It was approx £100,000, I think I would have noticed if he’d bought a yacht or a Lamborghini - so I expect it’s still sitting in one of his bank accounts - while he goes “poor me - my wife took all my (our) money”

Once a liar, always a liar.

Hi yes to this. We had to fill in in a financial disclosure which he wasn’t enclose savour at the time. Stated had roughly £30000 of shares etc and then a couple of weeks ago I saw a fresh letter stating money will be in the bank of his choice at the end of June.

Oh my goodness it’s unbelievable. Sorry you’ve been through this as well. Things have been going on for a while. I found several bank cards (4 years ago) questioned things and got told what has it got to do with me. He stopped his wages being paid into our joint account last year after 18 years. When I challenged this he said to stop me snooping to protect himself. The final straw was the bonus letters in Feb which I opened as I was at the end of my tether. I hoped he would share his good news but no! Hidden away until I confronted him 3 days later. I’m not bothered about the monetary value it’s the lies and deceit that have drove me to the brink.
He says he’s provided this life and I should be grateful (I’ve raised the children and sacrificed my career) only tonight we’ve had a discussion about the house and I said I will potentially be staying out with children. He said no he wants it or we sell it! But a joint asset!!
He sees it as his money and he’s worked for it. All I’ve had to do is turn up! But I’ve raised the children for 15 years whilst he’s lived the life and had the perks career wise. I feel so guilty being the one to destroy our family but I can’t bare the lies and the hurt. I want this over as soon as possible.

You may have sacrificed career but you’ve also had the benefit of being able to stay at home which is not always possible. Therefore you’ve both benefitted from
the set up

it’s perfectly normal to not leave the house while divorcing

it’s also perfectly normal to change where salary is paid and put that into a sole account not joint,

you may or may not get to stay in the house - we don’t know - but you have no more right to stay than he does.

share values change constantly don’t usual to provide a why and a ballpark current valuation, cashing in 4K is immaterial

have you started mediation ? Proper discussions about asset division?

I had similar issues with my ex - lying was second nature, about money, other women, things he’d done in the past and I was constantly second guessing myself. Self confidence in tatters. It took 5 years and multiple court hearings to divorce him. The peace I have now is a joy I will never take for granted and in hindsight I am horrified at how I let him treat me and our children. The deceit escalated once I said I wanted to divorce. He cleared the joint bank act and diverted salary. Lied about shares and inheritance, earning potential, mortgage capacity etc. etc. Delayed so he could dispose of assets. Judge sided with me at final hearing and put him straight about the stupid games he tried to play.

The key to divorcing someone like this is taking the emotion out of it all, focusing on the goal - security for children, looking after your interests (he is effectively your ‘enemy’ now) and thorough record keeping - copies of anything you can legitimately get hold of. Any shares in joint names you can ask for statements. Check all joint outgoings for any transfers to other accounts etc etc. You cannot use anything you ‘should not have seen’, ie private correspondence, or screenshots of phone. However this can give you leads about the evidence you can legitimately ask for if you go the court route. Then everything is fair game, eg you can say you are aware of shares from x employer held and can statements be provided going back 10 years. There is no time limit if it’s a legitimate request. I was able to prove my ex had an undeclared property by requesting submission of a relatives will for example. Some things you do have to let go - I knew he was hiding funds overseas but couldn’t legitimately prove it and as it was under £10k I had to focus on the bigger picture.

You need to be tough as anything to see it through but honestly it is so worth it! I am financially secure now, can plan for my future and that of the kids, knowing I got the best outcome possible from the divorce. Good luck!