Seperation and Kids not wanting to see their Dad

[Sleepingbunny1]

Hello,

I am after some advice.....Currently ex(h) isnt staying in the home- believed to be staying with friends, but my issue is that the children aged 14 & 12 no longer wish to see him at the moment.

Had been together over 20 years and married for 15 years, but the relationship has broken down- something i am not proud off at all.

They have been witness to some issues and low level domestic and verbal abuse (we have had police and social workers involved) and have both took it upon themselves not to wish to see him.

I obviously wish for the children to maintain a relationship with their Dad, but i have no idea how to facilitate this if neither of them wish to see him (at the moment anyway) He has contacted him over text but my son hasn't replied once- and has now actually blocked him on all messaging apps and social media.

Any advice most welcome

I wouldn't force it and accept their wishes on it.

You don’t. You listen to your children and don’t bad mouth their father but be factual if they ask questions. Tell your children if they wish to have contact in the future then you will always help them.

Your children haven’t been witnesses of domestic abuse, they’re victims of domestic abuse.

Why make them if they don’t want to?

Have your children given any reason why they don't want to talk to their father?

I just dont think they feel comfortable around him at the moment, but overall he has been a really great Dad, but things have broken down between him and i and i think as a result of him having a bit of a breakdown has made their feelings towards him change.

I stuck with some gentle encouragement, but my line was that I would never force anything on them, and neither would I take responsibility for his relationship with them.

It took a year for my youngest to agree to go and visit in the end.

It's all new and raw for them too. Give them a chance to calm down, see what happens in 6 months or so.

I think you need to give them emotional and practical permission to do so. Suggest to dad he takes them out for a meal once a week for example. Tell kids it would help you out as you can go to yoga or don't have to cook that night. If they're blanking
Him out of loyalty to you then they might go.

Why force them? What’s with all the “great dad” bullshit but then you say police and social workers were involved? That’s not being a great parent at all.
(Or is that on both your parts hence your reluctance to go with their wishes?)

you’ll do more harm in forcing them if they’ve witnessed abusive behaviour. And to be honest if you were my mother I’d wonder whose side you were on and that you were making excuses for him and defending him. Clearly your children see the truth of the man