Ex moved overseas - how to tell kids about divorce

[LavenderJuniper]

Hi all,
Am struggling with this problem and hope this group can help!
My ex has moved overseas, all the divorce advice says to tell kids together - how/when should we do that in this situation? We are going to see him for a family holiday in August but I don’t want to spoil the holiday. Then he’s coming back to the U.K. for Christmas but I don’t want to spoil that either… I’m left with either telling the kids on my own or on a video call where it’s hard to hear multiple voices. Either way I also deal with the fallout on my own.

Background: kids are 11, 13 and 19. The 19yo is my step-daughter who is living with us since her mum also moved overseas last year. Her brothers adore her and will also feel the loss when she goes back to uni in September.

Divorce due to his multiple affairs over the years, early ones I knew about and tried to move past. Then more recent ones which made me realise he is not going to change. Decided last December just after Christmas (cliche I know) but then this job opportunity came up for him and I didn’t feel kids would manage fallout of both Dad moving overseas as well as divorce all at the same time.

I realise that seems cowardly but I didn’t have it in me to process my own hurt and adequately support them at the same time.
Despite everything ex and I are amicable. His messy separation from his daughter’s mum makes us determined to keep things neutral and friendly for children.

After a few months I’m now ready to tell the kids (I don’t think he ever will be as he doesn’t want separation) but I can’t figure out when is the best time to do that now in the current situation. We can either tell them on holiday, tell them before or after Christmas or I tell them on my own.

Any advice on how to proceed? Thank you in advance, sorry for long message!

Don't tell them on your own. Why should you have to deal with fall out/ questions alone? Also, discuss it with him before hand to make sure you are not portayed as the baddie because he doesn't want s divorce. Will SD need reassuring about your home is her home? She might feel cast adrift? Good luck OP.

@BCBird thank you. Will try very hard to make sure SD knows this is still and always will be a home for her. I’ve been in her life since a toddler so we are very close.

My ex suggested 'Easter' when I asked when we would tell the kids together (this was at the very beginning of January - before he buggered off god knows where), and after he'd already added his new girlfriend to the family share provoking many questions from the kids, which he wasn't there to answer (nor was he talking to them via text)

So I just told them in the end. Seemed stupid to leave it looming over us as a secret I had to keep for him.

Tell them towards the end of the holiday, together. It's going to be shti whenever you tell them. Yes, they will remember this holiday as one of the crap parts of their childhood. But it would also give the two of you time to reassure them and he can then tell them he's visiting for Christmas...

Glad you are divorcing this prince charming.

How could he bugger off abroad and not tell them? The mind boggles.

I wish you well op, I hope you are ok

I'd just tell them. They should know.

There isn't ever going to be a "good" time, or a "right" time.

I would also tell them myself. In your own words you can dictate what is said. If he were here it might be a different scenario but as he is away why should you shoulder the secret? The older will kids will ask you when you decided anyway. Kids, of any age, aren’t stupid, they will have picked up on it anyway.

are you holidaying as a family? Seems odd considering. I wouldn’t be spending my own valuable time with a cheater, no matter how amicable.

Wherever he has gone he needs to come back to tell them with you. If he absolutely cannot do that or will not do that then you should do it over a video call. Tell them now. They will know something is up. It’s not normal for dad to work abroad with no plan as to when family will join him OR he will come back. They will most likely already know things have broken down. You can tell them they’ll see dad in August and at Christmas and they can video call him anytime. Waiting artificially to August is pointless in these circumstances where he has already gone.

age 11 and 13 I’d just get on and tell them before that holiday. One thing I found with my eldest was that it wasn’t that we didn’t tell them together (he was too much of a coward for that!) it was that she felt lied to.

Tell your step daughter now, she deserves to know the true and have some reassurance over where her home is. Even at 19 she'll feel totally abandoned.
Personally then I'd tell the younger 2 before the holiday, send them off with DSD to supervise on the flight and leave your ex to deal with the fallout.