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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorced but still living together!

23 replies

Witsend2025 · 20/07/2025 16:34

I've made a right mess of my life and haven't even managed to divorce in the normal way! I don't want to drip feed but I married ex dh almost 35 years ago and we've been divorced 4 years. I would call him abusive but he's not violent towards me or our 4dc.
I was very nervous about the papers coming in the post and when they arrived I couldn't stop shaking. He said it was okay and he'd agree to a divorce. The divorce came through and he refuses to talk about it. We still have 1dd at home (aged 17). The house is in joint names and the mortgage was paid off years ago. It is in a very bad state of repair. I work part time and he hasn't worked in 17 years. I would like him to move out. He says I should go and live with my parents. I don't want to do that and he wouldn't be able to afford the house's bills on uc. The house would not fetch a lot in its present condition. I could potentially buy him out through an inheritance I am expecting.
He constantly calls me names, says I must have dementia, refuses to let me cook or shop. We have a joint bank account and I have 2 other accounts in my name. As far as I'm aware he doesn't have another account.
I just don't know how I can forward things. Elder dc are supportive of me but scared of dh so don't want to rock the boat. He says our dc have Stockholm syndrome!

OP posts:
LottieMeDownAgain · 20/07/2025 20:29

I don’t think anyone divorces in the normal way and life will feel like you messed it up now because it’s messed up but time will heal and you can find a way forward

Before I give you any advice I just want to rant about your situation because of our STUCK NATION - no one can move on, no one can grow, no one can leave desperate situations, no one can find peace because no one can BLOODY MOVE because it’s too expensive.
Our housing is considered to be a market and not a necessity for life. All this insanity around house prices and 50% of the population as winners using their equity for everything everyone else can never afford and 50% as losers trapped by their ordinary incomes outstripped by house prices. This is one of our major crises. Make housing ffffffing affordable for everyone now.

Ok, back to you -
ask him to move, if he won’t then sell house and buy a newer place just for you - no repairs
get your own new bank account now - slowly move your banking there, let other accounts die with no income

ignore what he calls you

bring your children close with whatever you guys enjoy together

expect the long haul towards a much more peaceful fulfilling future

good luck

onyourway · 20/07/2025 21:21

Are you legally divorced with no financial settlement agreed?

Original poster
Witsend2025 · 20/07/2025 22:34

onyourway · 20/07/2025 21:21

Are you legally divorced with no financial settlement agreed?

Yes, I was stupid really. It was all done online. Exdh used to have a reasonable pension pot about £300k 18 years ago but when he got to 55 he did drawdown and reduced it to nothing. He also gambled away a couple of hundred thousand on the stock market. I was a SAHM for years - now working part time minimum wage job - no pension to speak of but I have enough ni credits for a full pension. I am 60 this year, he is 65.

OP posts:
onyourway · 21/07/2025 13:17

Well, I would get started on financial discussion's, at least to protect any inheritance you are due to get. As it is, he can claim half of that and gamble it away

Ohmygodthepain · 21/07/2025 14:04

Even an online divorce is valid op, nothing wrong with doing it that way.

Did you do the financial bit as well? As in who gets what of the assets? You need to shut down the joint account as this will link you to him if you need to do a credit check for anything.

If you didn't sort the finances you need to do it urgently - your inheritance can still be considered during this stage.

Original poster
Witsend2025 · 21/07/2025 16:04

@Ohmygodthepain the problem is exdh refuses to talk! If I shut down the joint account he has no account and all the house bills come out of it. He thinks everything belongs to him. I can delay the inheritance a few months - he doesn't know about it.

OP posts:
Ohmygodthepain · 21/07/2025 18:05

Witsend2025 · 21/07/2025 16:04

@Ohmygodthepain the problem is exdh refuses to talk! If I shut down the joint account he has no account and all the house bills come out of it. He thinks everything belongs to him. I can delay the inheritance a few months - he doesn't know about it.

So you haven't finalized the finances yet?

So what if he refuses to talk. You book mediation, he doesn't go, you apply to court. Get the wheels in action. You have only a half life at the moment because you're in some sort of no-mans-land - divorced but still linked financially and living together in the matrimonial home. You need to be pro-active here if you want a resolution.

Perhaps you'll need to sell the house - he can disengage all he wants but eventually it could be a judge that makes the decision for him.

Make some enquiries today op. Today could be the start of a new life, and bringing together the toes to your old life.

Bridget57 · 21/07/2025 18:17

Don't panic, I divorced first husband many years ago and stupidly didn't sort the finances. I was just so desperate to divorce him. I worked at a solicitors at the time and did a quickie divorce with help from various colleagues who worked there. I always intended to sort finances but didn't get around to it. Then I moved jobs and no longer worked at a Solicitors. Then he started pressuring me for money so I very quickly went to see a matrimonial solicitor at a firm unconnected to where I worked before. I had the first half hour of free legal advice and then she came up with a plan to sort the finances once and for all and it was done very quickly. It did cost me money but it was worth it to be free of him.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/07/2025 18:21

So, you want him to move out of his own home, but you don’t like it when he suggests the same to you?

Original poster
Witsend2025 · 21/07/2025 20:42

MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/07/2025 18:21

So, you want him to move out of his own home, but you don’t like it when he suggests the same to you?

Yes, but he doesn't work if I move out and go to my parents it would be more difficult for me to get to work. I have amd and can no longer drive. We have 2dc at home and I don't think it would be good to leave them with him. He is on uc and he wouldn't be able to afford even the basic upkeep. He can't afford to buy me out and there is not enough to buy 2 properties even if they were very small.

OP posts:
Original poster
Witsend2025 · 21/07/2025 20:45

It's the fact he won't he even talk and just expects me to leave. Our youngest dc is going into y13.

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 21/07/2025 20:48

You sell the house and rent.

Or you continue to share the same house and live separate lives.

He’s not going to willingly relinquish his only asset is he just as you aren’t yours.

i have a friend who’s in a similar set up to you. They live together but do their own thing but muck along like housemates.

But I would separate the bank accounts and hopefully you’re not sharing a bed and you’re not cooking and washing for him

Original poster
Witsend2025 · 21/07/2025 21:31

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/07/2025 20:48

You sell the house and rent.

Or you continue to share the same house and live separate lives.

He’s not going to willingly relinquish his only asset is he just as you aren’t yours.

i have a friend who’s in a similar set up to you. They live together but do their own thing but muck along like housemates.

But I would separate the bank accounts and hopefully you’re not sharing a bed and you’re not cooking and washing for him

He sleeps on the settee - it is a small 3 bed semi. The problem is he won't let me cook or shop and he makes comments if I do anything. We should sell but the house needs a lot of work done on it and he certainly wouldn't help. Both his parents have died since we divorced and he has property abroad. He is not English. Part of me wonders if I should go down the domestic abuse road.

OP posts:
Original poster
Witsend2025 · 21/07/2025 21:33

We have a joint uc claim. This was ongoing when the divorce came through and I showed it to the job centre but we are still joint.

OP posts:
Tumbler2121 · 21/07/2025 21:45

If you have property abroad it's counted towards the maximum £16k allowed then you're not eligible for UC.

Maybe use that as leverage with your EX? there is no benefit to staying together and apparently fraudulently claiming UC?

Size40Shoes · 29/07/2025 10:22

How is he abusive towards you?

PBJSnackBar · 29/07/2025 10:40

I’m in the same position as you.

Stay trapped in a shitty position, but at least me and the kids all have a roof over our heads

or

Sell up and split the proceeds - which would leave me and the kids without a home and throwing away our money on rent

I feel utterly trapped, and I share your frustration.

Original poster
Witsend2025 · 03/08/2025 19:23

Size40Shoes · 29/07/2025 10:22

How is he abusive towards you?

He constantly calls me an idiot, a teenager, a toddler or says that I'm getting dementia. He won't let me shop or cook, implies to dc that I'm racist (which I'm not). Probably doesn't sound too bad but it's everyday.

OP posts:
Size40Shoes · 03/08/2025 19:36

Witsend2025 · 03/08/2025 19:23

He constantly calls me an idiot, a teenager, a toddler or says that I'm getting dementia. He won't let me shop or cook, implies to dc that I'm racist (which I'm not). Probably doesn't sound too bad but it's everyday.

Edited
Show quote history

That does sound bad. Are you logging everything. Have you reported it to the police? I'm thinking maybe occupation order if you can get one.

Big hugs from me. I've lived through that and it's miserable.

shrewdasserpentsinnocentasdoves · 03/08/2025 21:59

Don't worry about stuff needing doing to the house. You need to sell it and move into your own place.

Neither of you is going to let the other one have the house so you have to sell it.
Get a financial order done as a matter of priority. He can't refuse, get legal advice.

He does sound abusive. I suspect that if you can break free of him you will realise how bad things are

shrewdasserpentsinnocentasdoves · 03/08/2025 21:59

Don't worry about stuff needing doing to the house. You need to sell it and move into your own place.

Neither of you is going to let the other one have the house so you have to sell it.
Get a financial order done as a matter of priority. He can't refuse, get legal advice.

He does sound abusive. I suspect that if you can break free of him you will realise how bad things are

Original poster
Witsend2025 · 04/08/2025 08:26

I have been noting particular incidents on my mobile eg when he called me an Orange Lodge retard in front of dd3. I have never had any association with that organisation, though some much older distant relations have. Df is roman Catholic!
I know I have to put on my big girl pants but just thinking about it makes me seize up.

OP posts:
TeaCupTornado · 08/12/2025 23:36

How are you getting on now @Witsend2025? A lot of your thread rings true with me and I'm looking to see how other people navigated themselves out to freedom and peace.

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