Am I strange ?

[Meredithmama]

Ok I guess my title could be interpreted in different ways but let me try and explain. I am 49 and 3 years ago I lost my 7 year old son to Covid and it literally broke my heart. Then the following year my marriage of 26 years ended with infidelity from him etc. His reason was that “I was grieving my son too much”.

So yes the last 3 years have been s*it, add to this some major health issues life hasn’t been that fun. Yet right now I’m in a place of peace, I’ve never lived on my own I got married at 19 and had a baby at 20 so right now I’m not responsible for nobody besides myself and it’s just peaceful. Yet the other day a friend of mine said it was looking like I was waiting for my ex to come back because I’m not dating etc, she actually said I was “looking rather pathetic “.

So now I’m panicking that people are thinking I’m waiting for my ex to return to me. (There is no chance, sorry once a cheat always a cheat I believe.)Also in therapy I’ve realised that it was a rather controlling and coerced relationship. I’m learning more about me rather than the roles I have felt I’ve had to play. I’m really just content at the moment, I’m not anxious anymore and it’s like my body is finally relaxing. Obviously I’m still grieving the loss of my child but does my desire not to date or look for my next partner make me look like I’m a sad case waiting for him to return?
Can a woman just be content on her own? Don’t get me wrong sometimes I would like to share experiences with someone but not having the constant pressure of pleasing everyone is great. So am I strange?
Apologies for the length of this post but I kind of wanted to give context. Also can I really not care what people think?

Deepest sympathies @Meredithmama for the loss of your son, that must have been very traumatic and then for the betrayal that followed, I commend your strength in getting through and finding life peaceful.

To put it bluntly, your friend is a dick. Who even says something like that? “Looking rather pathetic “? Honestly that would mark the end of the friendship for me.

In answer to your questions, being single and not wanting to date does not make you pathetic, far from it in fact. Yes, people can be content on their own, of course you can! What’s missing in that so called friends life to even make that comment?

You are not strange, you’ve been dealing with some fairly major trauma and upheavals these past few years and you are allowed to take time to heal, that does NOT make you pathetic! Personally I’d be a wreck if I lost one of my sons, it’s not something you ever get over, just learn to live with.

Yes you can learn to not care what people think but (and I’m all over Jefferson Fisher and Mel Robbins at the moment) I wanted to ask did you think she was being hurtful? Or just plain stupid? Because if there is ever a next time they come out with some outrageous statement again, I’d ask the question “did you mean to be so hurtful”

You do you, don’t let anyone dim your light.

How hurtful!

I've stayed single after my divorce because men can be dicks and I dont want to deal with that I'm not waiting gor my ex to return I'm protecting my peace

One persons opinion shouldn’t make you question how you want to live your life.
I’’m so sorry about your son it’s utterly heartbreaking

Your friend saying what they did is unbelievable. Some people really don’t think

I’m so sorry for the moss of your child. You are still grieving

it’s perfectly fine and normal to not want to date and that does not make you pathetic.

to play devils advocate a bit could it be that this friend is just trying to say, get out there and start living your life? ( which doesn’t mean dating ). Do you spend a lot of time in your own and perhaps she suggesting that’s not good ?

I’m really sorry to hear about your son.

Your friend is the pathetic one, not you!

I cannot begin to imagine the heartache you have and continue to go through.
Possibly she’s trying to urge you into a relationship she feels you need (but actually she needs).
You’re not strange at all - just protecting yourself and at peace. Good for you.

If anything happened to my husband I would not date. My eldest son is severely disabled and I have other kids who need me, that’s plenty - last thing I need is some bloke needing something from me.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. That must have been absolutely devastating.

You sound like you are doing everything right to me. Enjoy your peace.

Deepest sympathy to you OP, what a horrendous time you have had. Sorry for the loss of your son, and I am appalled on your behalf for the actions of your ex:h.
No, I don't think you are in any way weird or strange. You have been through a very difficult time and are protecting your peace. Keep doing your thing, as long as you are happy that's the main thing.

OP, you said "I feel like my body is finally relaxing".

Trust your body's truth.Maybe it's been strange to you in the past and now you are feeling more at home in it.

So sorry for the loss of your son. I can’t even imagine what that was like.
Your ‘friend’ is incredibly rude and unsupportive and don’t let her judgmental attitude make you rethink your life.
It sounds like you are doing what’s right for you so continue with that. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled.

I am so sorry about your son, I can't even imagine how hard the last few years have been for you.

No you are not strange at all. I'm in the process of divorce after infidelity and lies, and I can't see me ever trusting a man again, and thats without the added trauma your ex caused with his disgusting reason why he cheated.

Hi OP ..
I’m so very sorry to hear about your son ..
I just can’t imagine how people cope with losing their child ..
Your husband , words fail me …
You’ve been through what people should never have to go through ..
She’s not your friend .. Friends don’t speak to one another like that ..
I’m glad you’re finding some peace , you don’t have to meet anyone if you don’t want to ever again ..
I admire how strong you are OP ..
I wish you well x x

So so sorry for your loss.

I don't thing you are strange. It's your choice and you sound as though you have found yourself in a peaceful and good place where you don't need/want a man.

What an incredibly insensitive and presumptuous thing for your ‘friend’ to say. I don’t think I’d consider her a friend at all.

You may want to date next week, you may never want to date again. Either is fine and everything in between.

i am so sorry for the loss of your dear Son ❤️

@Meredithmama you are not strange. You are amazing.

You are strong and independent. You have survived horrific life events and come out to a place of peace. You are to be admired for this.

You do you. Don't let anyone else dull your shine ever again.

If you do want to dip your toes into dating, then do it on your own terms and with clear boundaries. Create a home and decorate it for you and how you want to live. Self care. Get that hair cut or dye job you always wanted but were too afraid of others reactions to get. Keep the relationships that add to your life and lose the ones that drag you down.

You are an inspiration and I bet your DS would be so proud to see how you have emerged from such a tragic loss.