Context - together 20+ yrs, kids 5-24yrs, renting ( no mortgage)
DH cheated on me a few years into our relationship (already had some kids separate and together) owned up to it, was extremely guilt ridden and apologetic, honest about the incident ( confirmed by other person). I decided to move forward with the relationship as he seemed genuinely mortified and made positive steps to ensure it wouldn’t happen again, and I read a lot online at the time about how it would only work if I trusted him again / didn’t bring it up etc once the decision to move forward had been made.
Fast forward and he’s been a good partner and father. Small relationship niggles but nothing too significant. But in the past 18 months I’ve realised I’m just not happy. I spoke to him about what I needed ( more time and attention as a couple) and despite this improving for a short while it slips back and I’m just lonely, and my feelings haven’t changed. I just think I’d be happier alone. I keep thinking about the past incident and it’s made me numb to our relationship.
My MH has declined whilst I battle with this and now I fantasise about him leaving so I’m not the bad guy. If I end things - obviously this will devastate DH and the kids and I imagine im an awful person for even considering blowing up their world - but the thought of carrying on pretending I’m ok might actually finish me off. I’ve tried approaching it but he assures me he’s happy and loves me and would be miserable without me. I am fighting with the feelings of feeling ungrateful for how lucky I am that he’s not a bad person so how can I ask him to leave. Another layer of difficulty is for various reasons relating to the kids I can’t leave - it would need to be him as I’d need to remain in the family home.
I don’t really need advice I suppose,
I just needed space to “ say the words out loud” and give myself a breathing space.