Enforcing boundaries

[StitchHappens]

Hi all,
I'm struggling with the best way to deal with this all advice is welcome.
Separated from ex for 9 years, 2 kids 16 (has ASD) and 13. 16yo doesn't like to go to their dad's, last time they visited was Christmas (after being told by ex if they didn't go they wouldn't get presents from them). 13yo goes every other weekend and the other week from late on sat to sun). To begin with we co-parented well (imo), but since he moved in with his gf things have been more strained, with him being quite obstructive at times. I try to ignore it as much as I can and not let him see my frustration. (Eg him telling me last week that he won't be able to pick the 13yo up from school from sept so they will have to come back here until 9ish so I will have to drop overtime hours - he does what he wants and I just have to work around it). At the moment he comes into the house to see the 16yo each week when he drops the 13yo home. I don't want him in my house. He is rude (only acknowledges me if he has to) and I desperately want to tell him not to come in. However this is the only contact the 16yo has with him, and I don't want to take that away from them.
How would you handle this?
Should I just tell him I don't want him in the house and he will need to find another way to contact the 16yo (doesn't answer the phone or reply to exs msgs)?
Or do I just have to suck it up for the 5 mins a week he's here despite knowing the situation is unlikely to ever change so it will be ongoing?

How would you or even your DC from letting him I the house when you aren’t there?

I agree you shouldn’t let him in your house and coming to collect at 9pm I’d tell him not to bother bad it’s too late and come collect the following morning instead.

It's your house OP, and he has zero rights to come over the damn threshold !

Particularly when he can't even be polite or civil towards you for the 5 bloody minutes he's there either ffs!

You are not taking anything 'away' fro your 16yr old by not allowing their Father to come into your house, what you ARE doing is protecting yourself and your 16yr old from being forced into an uncomfortable situation simply to appease your ExH?

If your 16yr old actually wanted to speak to or contact their Dad, then they have the means to do so. The fact that they don't answer any calls or texts from him shows clearly that your 16yr old wants bugger all to do with their Father, and you need to respect that?

Your child's 'feelings' come before ExH's, and your home is your child's 'safe space', NOT the arena from which your Ex has the 'right' to come and go as he pleases whenever he picks up or drops off your younger child?

STOP letting him into your home.

Tell both DC's that you do not want your ExH to come into your house anymore as it's uncomfortable for you, so they've not to let him in anymore.
Keep the door locked until he's there, then stand at the door while your 13yr old comes in/goes out.
If he tries to 'push in', say 'This is MY home, and I do not want you to enter here ever again. If you want to speak to 16yr old DC, you can phone or text them.'

Repeat that as often as necessary, and tell him you'll phone the police if he tries to either barge in, or tries to get the kids to 'let him' in. (You can always threaten to do the same at HIS home whenever it suits you !)

Thanks for the reply.
He isn't in the house when I'm not there. He drops the 13yo home and comes in to say hi to the 16yo. He only stays 5mins to have a brief chat to the older one, otherwise there is no communication between them.
I could say no to the late pick up, but it's the same time he picks them up on a Saturday (it's after he finishes work) and they want to go. The liklihood is if I say no he won't pick up till the same time on sat, which means they lose a whole day with him, and you can guarantee this would be framed to them as being my fault. He will also make it clear to them (and everyone else) that I'm the one stopping him coming in to see the older one and it will therefore be my fault he doesn't see them. I would also have to enforce the same rule with his parents who sometimes pop in to see the older one (though they are at least polite and vaguely friendly despite me not being their favourite person), and again it would result in complete lack of contact, so they would lose all contact with his side of the family. This wouldn't bother the 16yo, but would make their already small world even smaller.

Thanks for the reply.
I know he doesn't have the right to come in I'm just really struggling with the fact it would be my decision and would effectively end all contact between them. Whilst the 16yo does have a phone the ASD means they have little inclination to use it (I also don't get replies to msgs, though they answer if I call because I have told them I will only ever call if I have to) the phone is not a way they are comfortable communicating!)
I don't believe he would try and force the issue in person, but it would absolutely be used by him and his gf to make me look unreasonable to the 13yo, and I don't think they are quite able to understand why I would stop him coming in.

My 16 yo ds has ASD. Sometimes even that shouldn't stop them seeing actions have consequences.. Maybe nc with his df will change his mind about actual irl contact? Or maybe ex is a cunt and ds has seen the light... Why can't the 13yo get the bus to his df's from school? From secondary my ds's traveled by train /bus between the 2 houses..

I understand that the ASD makes things a little more complicated, but it's not something insurmountable?

If your DS can answer the phone to you, then he can answer it to his Dad, IF he wants to?

Or he can text. Either way, it's going to be your DS's choice?

Keeping the relationship between your Ex and your kids is NOT your responsibility, it's their Dad's? So stop assuming the burden, because it's not yours to carry?

You can explain to your kids that their Dad coming into YOUR home isn't appropriate any more, and makes you very uncomfortable, because he's not your DH any more. He has a NEW home, along with a NEW GF. Ask them if they think it would be appropriate for YOU to go into their Dad's new house, whenever it suited YOU?

Oh, and it's not that you'd be stopping all contact because of a decision YOU made, it's stopping you (and your DS) feeling uncomfortable in your own home.

You aren't stopping contact at all, you're just making your Ex find another way to keep in contact with his DS? A way which doesn't involve you letting your Ex make you feel uncomfortable and gives him the opportunity to be rude and horrible to YOU ! (If he'd been polite and nice about the whole thing, then you may have felt differently, but your Ex CHOSE to be a nasty prick to you in your own bloody home ffs !

Taking all the 'blame' because you're making a decision to protect yourself simply isn't reasonable?

Did you also assume all the 'blame' for the break up too?

16 is considered legally old enough to decide how much contact to have with each parent.
Would 16 yo go out and chat to dad in his car or by his car? 16yo can go back in when they are finished talking.

As his parents are reasonably behaved, I would keep up those visits. Does 13yo witness his dad’s behaviour ? I would just say that divorced couples only go in each other’s houses in an emergency and leave it like that. It doesn’t matter what your ex thinks or that he badmouths you to his gf. You’re divorced presumably with good reason 🤷‍♀️

The 9pm pickups are crazy and I suspect an attempt to avoid paying child maintenance that night but if 13yo wants that night then you’ll have to suck it up because the alternative is that 13yo is at dad’s home alone until 9pm.

Thanks.
He lives 45mins drive away and we are rural so public transport isn't a viable option

It's unlikely that they would go and talk to him outside the house, but I guess that is their choice and as a pp said its not my responsibility to manage. It may be that if that was the only contact on offer they would do so after a few weeks if they really wanted to talk to him, but the tendency is for them to want less contact the less they have - with anyone not just ex.
He generally just ignores me when they are around, and if I try to bring anything up when he there is very short. I wouldn't have anyone else in my house who treated me that way, so I'm not sure why I tolerate it from him.
The late pick ups aren't ideal, but as they don't fall on school days aren't a big problem, other than the fact that they are a change which mean I can't work on a Friday evening, as I can't leave the kids alone.

I agree with not letting him in.
Your dc are old enough to understand that you're divorced, their df is disrespectful to enter the home you pay for while ignoring you in the process.
It's plain rude, put it in easy to understand language "would you allow someone in your home that refused to acknowledge you, if it was a friend, would you allow that"
As for dropping off and picking up, you don't change your routine, you're working not out clubbing, working to keep a roof over your heads.
Explain that to your dc.
"Df has changed the routine, I'm working, I can't just stop working because your df has decided he can't do drop/pick ups, we need my wages, that money is what we live on"
As for the wider family or acquaintances, fuck them, its nothing to do with them.
My attitude to friends or family who thought they were entitled to a opinion in what goes on in my home was "when you start making a contribution towards my mortgage you get to express your opinion, until then I'm not interested "

Thank you all for the responses. I put on my big girl pants and sent him an email asking him not to come in, as i didn't want to have to discuss it with him in front of the kids. His response was to say OK and ask how and when he would be able to see the 16yo. I am tempted to reply and tell him that their relationship is not mine to manage, but is that too harsh? I will have to speak to the 16yo this afternoon and explain he won't be coming in any more and see what they want to do, so should I just say that instead??! He wouldn't have seen them this week anyway as the 13yo is staying for the week as it's holidays.

Absolutely tell him it’s his responsibility to manage his relationship with both his DC.

I have told him i will talk to the 16yo during the week and see what they would like to do and pass that on to him, but from that point on it needs to be his responsibility to manage their relationship
bites nails and wonders what the fall out from this will be 😱

Your Ex is an adult, and has been the parent of the 16yr old, exactly the same as you have.
He has had 16 yrs of opportunities to forge a loving and reciprocal bond with his son.
It's simply NOT your 'problem' to solve, it's HIS !

Simply tell your 16yr old that his Dad won't be coming into your home any more as it's inappropriate, so can he please reply to his Dad if he texts or calls, even if it's just to say 'I don't want to see you'.

Then send Ex a text saying that you have told your DS that he won't be able to see him at handovers etc any more so your son is fully aware of this.
And that going forwards, it's up to HIM to work out how/when he sees his 16yr old son, and you won't be discussing it, or involved in this, any further. (Nor will you be passing any messages between Ex and 16yr old, cos that would be his next 'task' for you, trying to make you a go-between)

Big girl pants on, send text, and breathe...

You have said you're worried about the 'fall out' from this (i.e enforcing a basic boundary for your own safety and mental health !), but if he shouts and yells, or throws ALL his toys out of his pram, SO WHAT?? Who actually CARES? You don't live with him. He can take his nasty controlling temper out on his new GF if he likes, that's no skin off your nose!

Actually, you should view any and all 'temper tantrums' as exactly that, a CHILD'S bloody tantrum! And YOU are NOT his bloody MOTHER ! So it's not up to YOU to 'manage' anything for him any more!!

YOU, my lovely, are FREE ! Remember that !

@Whatbloodysummer I know that. I keep telling myself that his relationship with the kids is his responsibility and he has let it get to the point where their 'relationship' is a 5min chat once a week max with no effort to change that.
In terms of fall out I'm worried he will try and get the 13yo to say they want to move in with him to even the score. In reality I highly doubt he would want that responsibility but he would absolutely do it just to spite me, for (as he sees it) stopping him seeing the 16yo.