Varying childcare order

[Takingthemic]

I have a 50/50 childcare order in place with ex. Since it being finalised, ex moved in with his parents so kids now all go there. Court order in place until kids 16.

My 12 year old is very unhappy and has asked to go less. She does not have her own space there (she has to sleep in a cabin in the garden). She says her Nan and Dad are always shouting at her and she gets the blame for everything. Her Dad swears at her. They go through her stuff daily (school bag, blazer etc) so she doesn’t feel like much privacy. She is not allowed out with friends unless a pre organised, pre arranged event.

Ive read that you can apply to court to vary a court order. It’s unlikely he would attend mediation as he refused before. It recommends you don’t break the order but apply to court first.

However, my major concern is that court could take up to a year and my child is very unhappy. They would also make her life hell as soon as they found out she wanted to go less and it would not be a pleasant experience for her.

Has anyone been through this? What is the best way to approach a change?

Yes go to court
but in the meantime, aged 12, you can’t force her to go and no court in the land would expect you too.

Do your ex and 12 year old ever comm directly? Any horrible messages putting pressure on her to go despite her not wanting to…. Keep them!

Cabin in the garden? Any and all evidence you have that this is where she sleeps… keep it. And this is sufficient grounds for you to say no more until suitable space is found

Any siblings?

He would never text that stuff - it’s all verbal when she is there. Her Nan in particular would make life horrible for her. She said today that her Nan isn’t talking to her over something she was supposed to have done. Nan would go nuclear if my daughter said she didn’t want to go as much. I imagine getting angry, crying, blaming me etc.

He would never text that stuff - it’s all verbal when she is there. Her Nan in particular would make life horrible for her. She said today that her Nan isn’t talking to her over something she was supposed to have done. Nan would go nuclear if my daughter said she didn’t want to go as much. I imagine getting angry, crying, blaming me etc.

No evidence as I am not welcome in the house. But it’s not a secret. They live in a 3 bed house with 7 people 50% of the time.

Yes 3. 1 older, 2 younger.

The older one is very compliant and keeps his head down for a quiet life. I believe he too would prefer to go less also though but would be too scared to say.

Where do they all sleep when staying there?!

Those poor children. The system seems to continue the abuse.

Start the process straight away.

One room bunk beds, 2 GP in one and youngest shares with Dad.

He has but I’m not sure that is relevant to my daughter’s time with him. I mean, it’s not a new problem so they were fully aware (and had seen lots of evidence). Cafcass just told him to be mindful how he speaks to me.

Where do the other children sleep?!

Box room bunk beds, and youngest shares with Dad.

And 12 year old outside!

op, if your daughter doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t
the others can

no court on the land will force a 12 year old

just don’t make her go and let him take you to court

I’m worried the court will look badly on it if she stays home as I’d be breaking the court order.

But the thought of it taking a year to go through the proper channels is heart breaking.

Write to say that daughter expresses wish to not go due to

lack of space
unsuitsble accommodation
abusive environment

and that of that changes she may reconsider

Just a quick update - I spoke with a solicitor today and she said I am perfectly within my rights to stop sending her immediately and let him and the court know the reasons for the change. I feel very relieved that we have options.

I explained to ex that daughter wanted to stay home and have some space as feeling stressed in their environment. His reaction was that I should have full custody of all the children and he does not want to see any of them anymore. I was not expecting that. Will see how the next few days pan out.

I'm glad you are being proactive.
Your DD needs you to be her advocate.
I broke a CAO when my son was 10 and deeply unhappy. My solicitor assured me it was a civil not a criminal matter. I then set about rearranging the CAO (so that I could show the Courts I was serious, not just acting upon a whim).
I represented myself. The Courts listen to the wishes of older children.

He sounds like a peach.

Well do they then. Don’t send them and put your claim in to cms immediately

doesn’t sound like the kids get much benefit from it- they’ll be happier staying home

Was that via email? As that is punishment. Emotional abuse.

Unfortunately he quit his job when we were divorcing and is now running a loss making business. Any claims for CM would be nil.

On the parenting app.

I’d happily keep them with me 100% of the time. I work full time so he is landing me in it with logistics. Luckily my boss is letting me WFH for a couple of days.

He is bombarding me with messages now, bringing up a ton of stuff from the divorce and pretty much blaming me. I’ve tried to reason with him and explain how she has told me she is feeling but he is not listening.

I can just ignore him right? And only answer essential child questions.