Help - I feel divorcing husband is bullying me financially

[ThisLemonDog]

He has reduced contribution to our joint account without discussion - the money will be short, what should I do?

we are in middle of divorce mediation. 11 years marriage, 2 kids (6&9yo), joint mortgage, he earns more than double of me, I did most of childcare and housework till recently. Always worked part time after maternity leave but increased hours few months ago.

historically we put all our wages to joint account and paid bills / saved jointly. He’s really bitter his contribution was bigger, so decided he’ll keep £1-2k for himself every month for the last year or so. I’m putting whole of my wages in and still his contribution is higher. (2:3)

recently I had a big-ish bill for family car repair. He said he pays for his car from his own pocket so I should too. I argued it is family car and I contribute much more to house works and child related stuff, it doesn’t sit with me right to spend my (largely pre-marriage) savings to pay for it. Finally he accepted for it to come from joint account, but decided to reduce contribution to joint account.

the money will be short next month - we need to pay for holiday clubs, cars etc. I’m resentful that he just decides what he will do with money (using as power) while we are talking about budgeting and finance split in mediation.

what should I do? If I argue hard he may get nastier in negotiation for split finance & custody.

He is withdrawing his financial support because he isn’t in a relationship with you any more. You are also changing your contribution.

You should seek advice about how to accelerate the financial settlement so you don’t have a joint account and his financial support is limited to child support and any spousal support you might get if a clean break isn’t an option.

A lot of exes will only contribute 50% of household and family costs at this stage.

Thanks @LemonTT but without budget bring looked at, it’ll just be short of money next month. Is it wholly my responsibility to sort it out, because I earn less? Im putting all my wages in, and spending for my own stuff from savings. The money isn’t just for us, but for our kids, and I contribute more in household and childcare (which I can’t just withdraw) how is it fair for him to just reduce contribution? He is earning more because I was doing all childcare.

Would you direct me where I should I seek advise from, to accelerate the financial settlement? Mediator won’t help one side, is it lawyer or financial advisor?

Where are you with the divorce? Are you still living together?

You need to see a solicitor in the first instance. They will help you draw up a financial agreement but you will need to get round a table to discuss it. If that doesn’t happen, then it’s mediation and if he won’t attend then you book a court hearing. If he refuses to attend or draw up an agreement he could be held in contempt of court.
However, meeting with a solicitor is the first step

the money will be short next month - we need to pay for holiday clubs, cars etc

Until you've had the finances legally sorted you will have to make cut backs. If you can't afford holiday clubs now then you probably won't be able to after the divorce either. Cut back on clubs, driving everywhere (petrol), Netflix, other subscriptions, online shopping. Stop dipping into savings as you will need that to put a roof over your head. Sadly you can't make him pay anything, except cms. Start the ball rolling on that unless you think he'll stop paying his share of the mortgage/bills as these take priority, then "nice" food. The harsh reality is that everything else is just extras and fall under wants, not needs.

Are you still living together or has he moved out?

When my ex husband and I separated he moved out but continued to pay all of the household bills for 1 month (I paid for food, the kids clubs, childcare, my expenses like my car etc) then he paid 50% of household bills for two further months and then after that he paid child maintenance and nothing more. At the time I was working 16 hours a week and had to take a full time job aswell as claiming universal credit. Are you eligible to claim a top up from universal credit?

You need to get legal advise from a solicitor if you haven't already done so. I think that's very important before agreeing to anything at mediation.

It's a really tough process but you'll find the strength to get through it. A clean financial break is really important and in many respects it's better to start that process early on.

Thanks everyone. We are still living together and seeking options.

he suggested cohabiting till he saves enough deposit for a new house but it is really stressful, can’t move on and I feel it’s toxic to children.

2nd choice he wants me to buy him off this family home but I’ll only be able to afford if he gives me £1000 child maintenance. I’ll also need child benefit and claim UC, which I’ll need to reduce my savings to 6k, probably for pension and mortgage repayment, there will be very little emergency money.

Mesher order is safer but he won’t be able to buy new property. He wants 50/50 or at least 3nighrs custody probably because of cm but he’s not even coping current routine so I worry for kids.

I’ve seen solicitor once but it was more general advise and she still hasn’t sent me summerly 2 months on. I feel wasted £300 and don’t have confidence with her. Maybe I seek an another one.

thanks for comments about budgeting too, okay it sounds tough but maybe that’s what I & kids have to go through, while he has LOADS of spare money.

clean financial break is ideal but he should still support kids. I feel he’s focusing on not giving ME any money but it’s more for kids. I hardly spend money for myself. I feel it’s unfair I stepped back from my career and look after kids, he couldn’t earn what he earns without me doing it.

Op you need to start the ball rolling with divorce and financial remedy, put an application in for interim ancillary relief ( maintenance pending suit)

generally both parties are expected to continue the sane financial arrangements until agreement reached ( not always possible esp if one moves out). But he cant just decide to stop paying.

longer term a merger is low probability so probably focus on understanding the overall assets and what a split could look like.

he will have to pay cms but will get reductions for overnights. Don’t count on getting more as it sounds like he wont pay. Therefore your priority is getting capital and assets.

see a solicitor

Marriage is about financial entanglement and divorce is about disentangling your finances. You are in that process and in the stage where you have very little power to enforce the marriage commitments or divorce entitlement. It is possible but without his buy in either will require legal action. Depending on your circumstances it is usually better to push ahead with the divorce.

A clean break is a preferred outcome in divorce. If it is possible it will be option the court decides upon. Your ex will probably want it and prefer it as well.

I think it is important that you start to accept he won’t be the only solution to your financial problems for ever or even into the near future. He is definitely making a lot of noises that indicate that he wants to own a home. That may be impossible with the mesher order. He is definitely making noises that he won’t be volunteering anymore of his salary to support your choices or lifestyle. And he is becoming more and more realistic about what he can do.

Plan A: Some form of mesher order. The only way this works for him if he can save. Which is being hampered by him putting money into the joint account. The pair of you can’t live together for ever.

If you want plan A you will need to get on board with him being able to save money and save it quickly. This means cutting back or bringing in more money.

Plan B. You buy him out. To buy and own a home in your own right you need a big enough deposit (share of the equity) and a big enough income. Assume child support will be CMS level not what you need him to give you. If he goes for 50:50 co parenting the child support may be very little. Realistically can you buy the house if this happens?

If Plan B is starting to look like a bad option for you then you get behind plan A. Which involves him saving. Something you currently resent. I think in his mind he probably sees your attitude as thwarting his ability to save. Pushing him closer to Plan B which is a far better option for him by far.

Like most people divorcing, including him, you have a set of bad options to choose from. If you want plan A to work you need to get behind him saving.

I don’t think he is bullying you. But I get you feel pressurised. That is because you have a difficult financial situation to navigate and decisions to make. I do think part of the problem is that you aren’t facing up to the need for him to save so you can stay in the house.

@millymollymoomoo thanks - I didn’t know such thing existed.

I’ve just discovered I have to apply for divorce online and it’ll take 20 weeks. My mediator never mentioned this and we are just discussing endlessly (at least it feels like). It’s costing a lot of money - mediator is also a lawyer but he isn’t guiding us for anything financial or legal. Whole thing is overwhelming and I don’t know who to rely on! So going back to it, thanks for your advise, it’s much appreciated!

Þhis what men do when the relationship is over. they seek to punish you financially regardless of how it affects their children. I'm still going through this terribly. It's not fair but it is what it is.

@LemonTT thank you - this is super helpful. Where I resent is he only managed to save less than the third of what he kept with him in the last 12 months. If his priority is to save, I’d go much harder. I asked his saving plan and he told me it’s nothing to do with me. This was when he was pushing for cohabit.

to buy him out, this is going to be tight and risky but should be doable. If he goes 5050 and only give me CMS I won’t be able to afford it. But it was his strong preference for us to live in family home, so I hope he’ll compromise. I also need Universal credit and child benefit, so I’ll only be able to have £6k saving which isn’t a lot of emergency money. Am I right in thinking CMS is reliable and can be considered as income for mortgage affordability?

apart from citizens advise, does anyone know where can I get advise about benefit? It’ll be essential income for me after divorce & I’ve only researched myself so I could do with professional advise. A legal firm (specialised in benefit) quoted me around £1000.

@femfemlicious sorry to hear you’re going through tough time too. Yes sounds like it is not uncommon, I feel bad for children.

You can claim UC if you’re separated in the same house, you need to show you’re not cooking, cleaning etc for him.

She can cook and clean for him all she wants. She can’t be financially subsidised by him. Which is the case if he is paying more into a joint account used to support family life.

How much equity do have in the house? Personally, I would not want to stay in a house I can't afford and would prefer to get it sold.

You need a solicitor to look at division of equity and pensions etc. You should be partially compensated for lower earning power due to career sacrifice.

It is incredibly rare to receive “compensation” for a career sacrificed in a divorce. The OP can expect to be able to ask for a larger share of the equity in recognition of her reduced earning power which reduces her ability to maintain herself and her children.

The counter challenge is always that the lower earning party can take action to improve their income through FT work and career advancement. I think in most cases this is actually the best advice and course of action.

If the OPs ex meets someone else who wants marriage, a home and children then the OPs finances and divorce expectations get blown out of the water.

By compensation, I mean a share of her husband's pension or a larger share of house equity in place of pension. That seems quite routine amongst the people I know.

Mesher orders are vanishingly rare these days. Realistically, the equity will be split, potentially a bit more to you, but with 50/50 as a starting point. The CMS calculator will tell you if he’s likely to be required to pay maintainance on 50/50, but you’d need to go through the CMS for the correct figure. Child benefit would usually be split for each child if 50/50

You mentioned in one of your posts that you will need to have savings below £6k in order to claim universal credits. That isn't correct, you can have savings of up to £16k and still claim universal credit but they make monthly deductions if you have savings above £6k. It's something like for every £250 savings you have above £6k they treat it as though you have an extra £4.50 income. If you haven't worked out how much you would be entitled to claim I would use one of the online calculators or if you are on Facebook they are some really helpful groups ('universal credit survival' is a good one and the admins are very knowledgeable about claiming universal credit and entitlement).

Divorce does take a lot longer now so it is worth applying now. You don't need a solicitor to do it, you can easily complete the paperwork yourself online. Just don't apply for the final order until you have your financial split agreed and signed off by the court. It took us a long time to get everything agreed and we had very little to split, just the house really. Courts don't like mesher orders, they prefer a clean break. you may be able to get a bigger % share of the house is you are a lower earner. With your income and a share of the house equity could you buy something else suitable?