First DC birthday post-separation - hand hold please

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

My husband and I separated and filed for divorce about 6 weeks ago, after I found out he’d been having an affair.

We have two DCs - 20m and nearly 4, and the eldest’s birthday is coming up in early August.

Originally we agreed to spend DC4’s birthday together, do presents / party together etc, and keep it as normal as possible (we’ve not told the kids yet as DH didn’t want to). Since then DH has decided he’s too anxious to be in the same room as me, and wants to do a morning with me, afternoon with him approach on DC4’s birthday.

I was aware that this type of arrangement would come after we divorced, but because we agreed to keep things normal just for this birthday (while it’s all so new and raw) the reality of divorce has hit me sooner and harder than I expected. I’m so sad not being able to kiss my first baby goodnight on his birthday.

just looking for a bit of a hand hold from people who’ve lived through this really. Any wisdom to share?

thanks

Unless you were abusive, he really needs to get a bloody grip of this “too anxious to be in the same room” nonsense when it’s stuff to do with DC.

But if it helps, I think you’ve got the better deal. Waking up on their birthday is when they’re all excited. You can do balloons downstairs for him to come down to, open presents, a special breakfast, birthday cake at lunch.

Thank you for this ❤️

Definitely no abuse from my side. Did I shout a fair bit and call him a coward in the first week after discovering his affair? Absolutely, as anyone would. But we’ve had lots of civil discussions since then.

In fact on a previous thread I mentioned a few occasions where he was completely unreasonable (prior to affair discovery) and a few mumsnetters said “you do realise that’s abuse, right?” So if anything it’s the other way around.

i think that’s his problem, deep down. When he’s not around me he can still delude himself that he’s a good person. But seeing my face is like looking in a mirror for him, and he’s utterly ashamed by what he sees.

Love the ideas for special breakfast and decorations too. It sounds silly because they might be obvious to some, but after PND and having him make all my decisions for me, I still need a bit of help with the basics sometimes. So thank you ❤️

I know how tough it feels facing your first DC birthday after a separation — the mix of emotions can be overwhelming. Even if things have changed, a simple heartfelt message can still carry warmth. Sometimes, sending sincere belated happy birthday wishes works better than forcing a perfect moment. It’s okay to be honest, even with delayed words — what matters is that they come from the heart.

Yeah I’d be telling him that he can suck it up and stop being a coward - he either comes as planned or doesn’t come at all. He is the cause of the breakdown of your family not you so why should you have to compromise