Not contributing won’t agree a schedule

[Cupanjo44]

Shall I get help to have Child Maintenance and a schedule of access?
Met when we were both 23, never married. Never bought a house. Rented. Both worked. He has ‘mental health issues’. Also drinker, gamer and weed smoker… but he always has worked. First child dd when we were 30. Second child ds when we were 37. He only paid for his half of the rent and bills and bought extravagant birthday and Christmas presents. He has never contributed to childcare, kids clubs, food (except the Sunday roast that I cooked.) He was unavailable to help look after the children except on the odd Saturdays for a max of 4 hours when I had to work. He never paid for meals or days out or clothes. When we separated we were 43 now 46 both still renting and struggling financially. Children live with me. 16 and 8 years old. He lives nearby. He still has mental and physical health issues. I have always worked but this has taken a toll on me mentally too. He won’t contribute financially except on his own terms, expensive Christmas and birthday presents, trainers, occasional meals out, a coat, football boots. He won’t commit to a schedule of when he has the children. He can’t manage full weekends. Won’t say when he can or can’t. Insists on spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at my house. He is psychologically dangerous to me. Nice to me when everything is going his way, awful to me when it is not. I feel stuck. He says it was me that wanted us to separate so I have to suffer the consequences. He threatens suicide if I ever ask for money. He says I’ve ruined he children’s lives. I’ve tried everything. We can’t move forward. We’re going to have to move house again and can’t afford to live in this area. Shall I get help to have Child Maintenance and a schedule of access?

In your circumstances, yes, I'd apply to the child maintenance people in order to get some child maintenance.

Not sure what a schedule of access is but your 16 year old can see dad as and when they please really, no need for you to get involved in that.

Just leaves your 8 year old. What does your 8 year old want?

Go to cms for maintenance then forget about access. You can't make him abide by a schedule he can only force you so you'd be no better off. Just refuse to engage and refuse to have him at your house.

He wants to see his dad whenever he can. Safeguarding though, his dad gets high, is not always age appropriate and often not responsible parenting. He also will not agree to when he is available.

I’d go to cms for maintenance but no way would I force access

and he won’t stick to a regular schedule anyway and a court won’t make him ( and he’s not safe to do so!)

I’ve tried everything regarding schedule. It is hard to plan anything. Was hoping it would be easier for the children’s sake so they could still spend time with him. He doesn’t drive so I have to drop them off and pick them up.

i am seeing 3 main issues;

money - go through child maintenance service

access - this is tricky, he wouldn’t stick to a schedule, but this would limit his ability to control. Eg 8 year old only has to be available when schedule says. Quite rigid tho if you wanted to do something.

controlling behaviour - you need to limit contact, set boundaries and grey rock everything else. Move contact onto a family app if you feel the need to. Tell him when DS is free and ask when he wants to see him. Follow a loose schedule be it e.o.w or a night every weekend and one through the week. Don’t chase, if he doesn’t respond he doesn’t see him. If DS asks it’s a factual, oh I haven’t heard back from him, DS is two years at most away from seeing with his own eyes. Give him notice now that he won’t be coming at Xmas. Propose or ask him how to split the day. This own you might need to chase with an if I don’t hear from you by November 20th I’ll assume you don’t want…

Thank you. I don’t want to do the wrong thing by him or the children. But it is chaotic and always has been.

Good God! I'd be keeping the kids well away from him, not trying to force a schedule!

I’m not trying to force a schedule. I want to be able to answer my son when he asks when am I seeing daddy.

You need age appropriate truth with the DC. “Daddy hasn’t let me know” and so on.

Sadly let the rope drop regarding contact and say no if he then demands it when you have plans. Tell him no more days at your house. I would also consider stopping ferrying them DC he can use a taxi.

⬆️ This...

Drop. The. Rope. If he wants to see the DC it has to fit in with your plans and he needs to arrange an unber or get the bus to pick them up. He needs yo step up and act like an adult - it's like you have 3DC!

Go to CMS right now and give his details. Don’t engage with him anymore. Don’t have him in your house and don’t drive the kids there. If he wants to see them he’ll have to play ball, and if he doesn’t, well then so much the better. Having a dad that’s shit isn’t better than having no dad. Answer as pp said above, age appropriate. “Daddy refuses to let me know, and he hasn’t given me any money either so XYZ can’t happen” to the 16 year old. 8 year old “I haven’t heard from daddy and it’s my job to take care of you when you’re with me, I can’t control him”.

For the love of everything, stop letting this man child ruin your special occasions. He doesn’t deserve to be catered to at Christmas, why do you do it? The kids will think his behaviour is normal if you gloss over it and pander to him like this. You do not want that for them.

Nobody can force your ex to see the children. All a court can do is tell you that you must make your son available for contact on certain times and days, but if their father doesn't turn up there's nothing they can do about it.

Apply for CMS but forget about forcing contact.

Absolutely drop the rope here.

His relationship with his children is his responsibility.

Grey rock the attempts at control or chaos. Require reasonable notice (for the 8 year old at least) - eg. I have 2 weeks notice required for visits, and I can reject if we already have something planned. Take control back by being totally reasonable, but also leaving it entirely in his hands.

And definitely apply to the CMS.

Edit - and stop letting him in your house - split Christmas between his and yours. I wouldn't let my ex set a single foot in my house, let alone spend the whole day (presumably being waited on and served food?). I'd pre-prepared my kids that if they went to their dad's for Christmas we'd just do our Christmas a different day which they were fine with - although in the end, he's never asked for them for Christmas

And then when he doesn't turn up and your son is even more devastated? A schedule won't make him suddenly reliable because he doesn't have to stick to it. Been there, done that, wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Ok thank you. I guess the not knowing what’s going on is unsettling for us all. I think assume he’s not available is the way to go. There will be an explosive reaction to me getting the child maintenance formalised.

Use CMS

only communicate via parenting app for 8 year old so there’s a record - stop all other communication

I would also do Xmas separately or even go away and not be available. if he wants them Xmas day then do your Xmas another day.

unless your child has a disability that means they can’t organise their own contact the court’s authority stops at 16. So your ex should communicate with the 16 year old directly.