Post-holiday marriage split

[abouttoblowmylifeup]

MN I really need your help. I’m currently on holiday abroad with my DP and our 3 kids. My marriage has been a shitshow for many years (we’ve been married for 20 years but together for around 10 years before that) and for the last few Christmases and summer holidays i kept telling myself that I’ll leave after each, but every time I bottle it. There’s been no affairs, no terrible behaviour from either party it’s all just a slow sad decline into a dead marriage. I wish him no harm, but I have no feelings for him anymore. We got together really young and I’ve never known any other relationship. I’m late 40s now and i’m scared and so fearful of being on my own. I don’t know how i’ll manage financially and the kids will be heartbroken. I don’t really have many friends either to lean on. It’s just been me and him and the kids really. I just need out, that’s all i know. I want to tell him when we get home, I don’t want to do it now and ruin the last few days of the holiday and make a terrible memory for everyone. Has anyone been through this and it’s turned out ok? Could really do with a handhold and some wise words from anyone who’s done it and come out the other side xx

Take a deep breath. What is it you hate about him? Is there anything you like about him? I’ve been where you are and the likes have outweighed the dislikes when I’ve weighed it up. I think life seems a bit shit in middle age and possibly we blame those closest to us? Or maybe it takes more courage than I have to leave. Either way, I’m sorry you feel this way.

Thanks for your reply… I just feel like we’ve totally grown apart. We argue about absolutely everything now and in front of the kids too and I hate them seeing that. He’s quite a sulker and I just can’t see a future for us. I don’t want to have sex with him either and haven’t for years 😞

But i totally agree with you about the midlife part and blaming the person closest to me, that’s also 100% true…

How old is your youngest child?

Do you ever have any fun together? Not as a family; just you and him?

Any date nights? Nights away? Evenings out?

Sometimes its better to leave when its like this. Before affairs happen. Before unspeakable things are said. Before real resentment sets in. You can hope for a more amicable separation if you do it before real damage happens.

Wait till you get home and then have the talk. Maybe frame it that you try separating for six months to see how you both feel at the ens of it. A ‘soft’ split might be easier foe you both to process.

Good luck OP

Honestly OP you sound just like me (the sex part included). My kids are adults now and I stayed. I’m not happy but not unhappy either. I suppose I just bought into the “grass isn’t always greener” mentality. It depends how unbearable he is and if there’s anything you still love about him. With me, there was. If there isn’t, you should probably leave x

We got to this point and my husband had an affair...he'll admit he was blowing up the marriage because he was unhappy. We should have ended it before it got to that point!

@TryingAgain7651 understand that. It’s always a possibility. I suppose it’s just circumstance. If one or other of you find something better? 🤷‍♀️

Thanks all 🧡
my youngest is 13 @Zanadoo45and the eldest 18 so will be leaving for uni after the summer.
Yes @Piknika trial split would be great but i’m not sure how we would do that as we defo can’t afford two places even short term without selling the house
@NC28we function reasonably well as a family although our toxic relationship spills over into any family days out we try to have and usually ends in an argument. we’ve tried to spend some time alone, go out for dinner, nights away etc but i just hate it and can’t wait for it to be over 😢

thanks for your advice @TryingAgain7651thats what i’m scared of as well x

How old are your children OP? Really, the most important thing here is how this would impact them. If splitting will be detrimental to their happiness, security and wellbeing, it may be a case of seeing what you can do to maintain the status quo until they’re old enough to cope with the emotional and logistical fallout. That doesn’t mean doing nothing - it may mean taking time to communicate with your husband about what a split would look like, and shoring up your career positions, finances etc.

That sounds awful. You have to get out and start your life again without the pretence.

I can’t believe others think you should stay. It’s really sad. You can be happy again & you deserve much more for yourself.

It’s too easy to say “just leave”. There are children. Our happiness comes second to their happiness. Unless they will be happier if parents are separated (which may be the case) parents should stay together and just suck it up

It sounds like my parent’s marriage. My brother and I both wished they would split up. The arguments and constantly tiptoeing round my dad because he was in a bad mood were soul destroying.

I went through the same, but decided to stay until the youngest went to uni (Covid tho meant we had to live together two more years)
Friends urged me to leave sooner but he wouldn’t have left the family home and actually the house I found (my forever fab home) wouldn’t have been available sooner.
I didn’t want them to have a stepmother or stepfather.
So yes I had some sad years but ultimately I’m really glad it worked out that way. Left when the kids were out of uni, so although the financial dealings were awful we did not have to deal with childcare matters. And did meet the loveliest man totally unexpectedly (in RL -you won’t find one on OLD) but at a time when he wasn’t going to be living with the DC.

I feel exactly the same as you op. Except we don’t have kids which I know should make it so much easier but I am so anxious about being alone (I do have huge insecurity due to childhood neglect etc). I do feel like I’m closer to doing something but it’s so hard to take the plunge and not know whether I’ll ever meet someone else again.

I left, as all the arguments affected the kids’ and my mental health. My ex would not just start fights with me in front of them, but would also have fights with them too. Plus, ex didn’t really want to put any actual work into fixing the marriage - he was already talking about his next potential partners and he wanted me to take the public fall, by insisting I either “be a wife” or leave. Not much of a choice really!

After I left, my DS’s behavioural issues slowly improved and DD also has done well, with some ups and downs on the way. They are both in a good place now as young adults. This is such a relief to me. The best of all, I have peace of mind back and feel like the person I truly am, rather than an empty shell of myself walking on eggshells around ex (who still has his blow ups and new wife having to calm him down). I returned to old hobbies and started new ones. I have done further study as well.

It’s not an easy decision and for me, it was all the arguments that made it in the kids best interests to split up. If the marriage was just simply dull and dead, I probably wouldn’t have done it due to the length of time and the financial consequences. I am not someone who makes big changes easily either.

Best wishes with however you decide.

@MagpiePi yes it was sadly my parents marriage too! the arguments were awful for years and like you, I wished they had just split up. They did eventually but for most of my teenage years the atmosphere in our house was just awful. I dont think mine is as bad as that, we do sometimes all have a nice family time, but it’s definitely peppered with loads of shitty arguments between me and my husband which then spills over onto them. I hate it.

@MrsGuyOfGisbo Thanks for your comment here. There’s no way my husband would leave either, it’ll be me that will have to initiate everything. So glad you’ve found a lovely man now!

@temproastedyes exactly this too ❤️

@WalkingaroundJardineWhats happening here is when i have any argument with him, he then goes in a sulk with me, stops speaking to me in front of the kids but takes it out on them, for example Will make up some ridiculous drama about how they aren’t helping enough around the house and put them on loads of jobs whilst shouting at them. It’s awful. And then if I intervene I’m ‘going against him in front of thr kids’. I’m so glad to hear you have found peace now and you don’t have to expend wasteful energy walking on eggshells. Thanks for sharing your story!

I know this was from July but wondered how the op is doing. Bizarrely we are now on holiday and dh and I agreed we’re going to separate last night. Been together 15 years.

You just need to tell him that you’re unhappy. That you’ve felt this way for a long time and that you and he need to discuss the practicalities of separating.

It sounds as though he isn’t happy either of your relationship has toxic traits.

That’s not healthy for the both of you and your children.

I know from experience that having the initial conversation isn’t easy. Just hold onto the fact that you will be happier apart, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

To me holidays really bring home if you want to be with that person. If you are in a lovely place, on holiday, not a care in the world, and you just wish the partner was not there, then it’s really time to question the marriage.