I'm new to making posts but could really do with honest opinions.
Ok so here it goes...Married, have 2 girls 15 and 12 with my husband. We have 26 years togeather and married for 10. I will add that he is 18 years older and we met when i was 19.
I do love him and i know he adores me but at the age i am and far more wordly wise i would not have continued a relationship being the person i am today.
He is old fashioned, the 1950s husband type where women did as they were told and put up with it in exchange for being financially supported. It didn't however start that way as he lived with me (24 years ago) paid me no money and expected i cater for him free of charge whilst demanding certain foods that i could not afford basically everything revolved around food and washing his clothes and telling me what to do and when to do it. He denies any of that took place now and has said i made it up. Looking back i realise just how belittled i felt and how i assumed this was quite normal behaviour and why we have been togeather as long as ive let myself be a doormat.
I owned my first house with help from my dad then when we had our daughter i got a second mortgage to purchase another and rented the other out, yes he contributed with household bills but did not fully support us as his lifestyle of spending on credit cards and his hobbies came first. Twice i bailed him out and paid things off as he was very poor with managing money. After our second daughter was born we decided to marry...at this point despite the ups and downs i wanted to prioritise the girls future. At the time did feel happy and still do in many ways.
Following on 7 years we moved again and his name went on the deeds as his job was now well paid although he contributed very little to the new property, we sold it and made a good profit thanks to me solgging my guts out for 3 years. We are financially stable with no mortgage and debt. He works and i look after the home and kids both of which have special needs.
I still love him but i not sure if i can cope with the bullying and gaslighting. It's completley changed me as a person and i feel like i will have nothing and a divorce will cripple me. I have no income as he didn't want me working at any cost even if it was just to have a frendship. I've now soley reliant on him of which he uses that to bribe me...don't do this and i won't transferr your house keeping being the most used phrase. He will even go in a huff if i do not give him what he wants in the bedroom basically if i don't do what he wants and when theres a war. His favourite line is " just do as your asked" He would never divorce me as i doubt he would get a like for like replacement although he states if i were to divorce him he wants me out of the house and he wants half of everything. I realise i have been walking on eggshells for years trying to keep him happy doing as i'm told. It's even affected where we live as i would be unable to live in a normal house terrace /semi as all previous neighbours we had disliked him as they could hear him shouting abuse at me through walls, he has never cared what people thought or tried to lower his tone, i feel so embarrased and ashamed i've put up with it for so long even his own mother has stated i need to accept i have made a rod for my own back. Living and being married to a narcassist (or is it learnt behaviour from his parents?)is a never ending mind game where i am to blame for everything so much so i question and blame myself as there are many good times and he can be very generous/ loving when he wants.
Is this the price i pay for being too soft?
I can't viaualise a life alone or even with anyone else as normal would seem very strange to me. I keep thinking the grass is not always greener. What a predicament.