Agreeing to forgo child maintenance

Fuzzypinetree · 2025-07-12T14:10:32+00:00

I'm pondering at the moment, so what do others think about not asking for child maintenance? (I can get my lawyer to draw up an agreement...) The situation is that ex is a cheating arsehole, who left a few days before DC2 was born because he had to sleep with his colleague... Since then, he's not paid maintenance. I've managed on my maternity pay for the past year and I'm now officially back at work (but it's the summer holidays, so I'm wfh). He's had notice that he's liable for child maintenance and that's currently all adding up until we go to court. In theory, I should be buying him out for 100k. However, the bank is beyond slow in getting things sorted and I will have to pay additional taxes if the house gets signed over to me after the divorce has gone through (I can file from next week). I was considering offering that he signs the house over to me, doesn't get the 100k but wouldn't have to pay child maintenance going forward. (And I could be persuaded to drop the claim on the outstanding amount, which is now at about 10k.) By the time DC1 is 18, he'd have paid about 120k in child maintenance. For him, it would mean that he has no financial responsibilities towards us or the house anymore. For me, it would mean not having to take on an additional loan and the divorce would go through much quicker. Any thoughts? Is that a stupid proposal? (No point suggesting it to him if everyone thinks it's a dumb idea and he wouldn't go for it...)

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/07/2025 15:12

It's a good idea if you consider that any time once your finances are sorted you can just go to the Child maintenance people and claim anyway.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/07/2025 15:13

I suppose as well, even if you stick to the promise, you have everything you want now. Whereas with child maintenance he can quit his job, go self employed, move country, have more children and therefore need to pay less.

Original poster

Fuzzypinetree · 12/07/2025 15:16

Yeah, I would stick to the agreement, hence my lawyer sorting it. Anything else would be arsey. I don't want anything from him.

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AndSoFinally · 12/07/2025 15:17

The issue is that you could renege on the deal and still claim

I don't know if there's a way the lawyers could reword it so the agreement is that he's paid £100k in child maintenance up front so won't be due to pay more until this would have run out in 2038 (or whatever)?

Original poster

Fuzzypinetree · 12/07/2025 15:22

AndSoFinally · 12/07/2025 15:17

The issue is that you could renege on the deal and still claim

I don't know if there's a way the lawyers could reword it so the agreement is that he's paid £100k in child maintenance up front so won't be due to pay more until this would have run out in 2038 (or whatever)?

From checking online, it should be possible to say that this is used to offset child maintenance payments. It would, as I said, go through my lawyer. It's a bit of a grey area since I'm not legally allowed to forgo child maintenance (since it's for the children and not for me) but I assume we can get around this somehow.
I'd obviously check everything with my lawyer first. I was just wondering whether it sounds like a reasonable proposal in general.

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whatwouldlilacerullodo · 12/07/2025 16:20

It's not your money to forgo. It's the child's.

millymollymoomoo · 12/07/2025 17:12

He would be 100% advised by a lawyer to not agree this ( rightly so)

after 12 months you simply put cms claim in and he’d be liable irrespective of the legal agreement drawn up

in his shoes he should absolutely not agree this

Original poster

Fuzzypinetree · 12/07/2025 17:30

millymollymoomoo · 12/07/2025 17:12

He would be 100% advised by a lawyer to not agree this ( rightly so)

after 12 months you simply put cms claim in and he’d be liable irrespective of the legal agreement drawn up

in his shoes he should absolutely not agree this

I'm abroad. It works a bit differently here. I can't just put a claim in if the legal agreement states that child maintenance has been paid as a lump sum.

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Original poster

Fuzzypinetree · 12/07/2025 17:35

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 12/07/2025 16:20

It's not your money to forgo. It's the child's.

That's what I have said... I'm aware of that.
However, I'm also aware that without me footing the bill for absolutely everything, my kids would neither have a home, nor clothes or toys or food or anything else. He's not been paying anything. They therefore would get money, it would just be tied up in the property.
On the other hand, I could continue to sue their father for maintenance. It amounts to about 1k/month. He could then move back to the UK and then I'd have to try and start the whole rubbish exercise again with CMS (who, judging from Mumsnet, aren't terribly efficient).

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244milesnorth · 12/07/2025 18:25

It would have been relevant to state you weren’t in the U.K. legal jurisdiction in your opening post ….

But yeah agree with you - if you can make that sort of agreement where you are and it be legally binding. I considered it in the U.K. if he didn’t go after me pension - like others have said solicitor said wasn’t legally binding as could just put a claim for CMS in 12 months later

Original poster

Fuzzypinetree · 12/07/2025 19:02

244milesnorth · 12/07/2025 18:25

It would have been relevant to state you weren’t in the U.K. legal jurisdiction in your opening post ….

But yeah agree with you - if you can make that sort of agreement where you are and it be legally binding. I considered it in the U.K. if he didn’t go after me pension - like others have said solicitor said wasn’t legally binding as could just put a claim for CMS in 12 months later

Perhaps, but I didn't think it was relevant. If I were to suggest duch a "deal", I would expect to stick to it. I'm a bit amazed that the first thought people have would be, "yeah, but you could still put in a CMS claim regardless..." Seriously? Do people do that? I'd expect to be laughed out of court for being a cheeky fucker...

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244milesnorth · 12/07/2025 19:19

It’s relevant because such deals aren’t legally binding here

the thing is however amicable you are - or aren’t now - relationships can and do deteriorate further into absolute hate and loathing and one up man ship and wanting to punish the other.

You think you are above that now but honestly marriage breakdowns and Co parenting can change you into someone you wouldn’t recognise

And then before you know it you are putting in a CMS claim and being awarded it and - in the U.K. - he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 13/07/2025 00:15

Fuzzypinetree · 12/07/2025 17:35

That's what I have said... I'm aware of that.
However, I'm also aware that without me footing the bill for absolutely everything, my kids would neither have a home, nor clothes or toys or food or anything else. He's not been paying anything. They therefore would get money, it would just be tied up in the property.
On the other hand, I could continue to sue their father for maintenance. It amounts to about 1k/month. He could then move back to the UK and then I'd have to try and start the whole rubbish exercise again with CMS (who, judging from Mumsnet, aren't terribly efficient).

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In this case, the question is if going for cms will cost you more money than giving up. I didn't understand this part of the question. You will have to weight if spending money for principles is worth it. It looks like you have a clear vision of the situation and you will be able to weight the options rationally. (Sorry, not very helpful!)

jsku · 13/07/2025 00:56

Any good lawyer would advice him against it. Child maintenance is boy a fixed amount over the years - it depends on him income, which can be variable, as life circumstances change.
100K upfront is a lot of money to pre-pay for the future.
And it might mean that he wont be able to buy a property himself, etc.

I know you want a clean break - because of the emotional pain. But in reality - it may not work.

Plus - for your kids it’ll be better to have a relationship with a father, even if he cheated on you. So - you wont be able to completely cut ties anyway

Alsonification · 13/07/2025 00:59

This is exactly the deal that I made with my ex-husband and I don’t regret it for a second. We were both advised by our solicitors that it wasn’t legally possible to waive child maintenance and that he was basically relying on my word that I wouldn’t come back and claim. But I never did. Everyone I spoke to thought I was mad to do it but a friend who split it with her partner shortly after me, years later told me that she wished she had done the same thing because she spent 18 years fighting with her ex over money. I knew that I would be chasing my ex for every single penny and I had no other way of buying a house if he didn’t agree to my deal so I considered myself extremely lucky. That was over 20 years ago now and I still think it was the best decision I ever made.

Shnuzzbucket · 13/07/2025 01:02

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 12/07/2025 16:20

It's not your money to forgo. It's the child's.

That is such a bonkers way to think.

Of course its for parent to look after the child. And it's for the parent receiving the maintenance to spend in the best way to support the child

Original poster

Fuzzypinetree · 13/07/2025 06:34

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 13/07/2025 00:15

In this case, the question is if going for cms will cost you more money than giving up. I didn't understand this part of the question. You will have to weight if spending money for principles is worth it. It looks like you have a clear vision of the situation and you will be able to weight the options rationally. (Sorry, not very helpful!)

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Well, I assume I'll have to pay out about 10-20k for the divorce if we get it through quite swiftly. Then, I'd also have to take on the additional loan for the house, which would mean I'd have to pay an extra 800 or so per month for the mortgage.
He needs to pay about 1k a month in child maintenance. That's at the moment. He cannot just reduce his hours or start earning less. The amount will be fixed for at least two years and then continues at the same level unless the children move into a different age bracket or either of us asks for a reassessment. I know, however, that he'll say he cannot possibly afford that. This way, he wouldn't need to pay the 1k/month.

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Original poster

Fuzzypinetree · 13/07/2025 06:40

jsku · 13/07/2025 00:56

Any good lawyer would advice him against it. Child maintenance is boy a fixed amount over the years - it depends on him income, which can be variable, as life circumstances change.
100K upfront is a lot of money to pre-pay for the future.
And it might mean that he wont be able to buy a property himself, etc.

I know you want a clean break - because of the emotional pain. But in reality - it may not work.

Plus - for your kids it’ll be better to have a relationship with a father, even if he cheated on you. So - you wont be able to completely cut ties anyway

To be fair, he doesn't need to give me the 100k. He just wouldn't get them from me.
He would then also be able to keep the 1k/month he's meant to pay in child maintenance.
It would mean that our net income is about the same. I would just finance the kids through mine while he can use his just for himself. I'm part time, though, and will have more available once I'm back to full time.

He sees DC1 regularly and I'd be happy to facilitate it if he moves back to the UK. However, there's no relationship at all with DC2. He's not been interested...

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Loveduppenguin · 13/07/2025 07:25

Will you be having 50/50 custody and what’s the difference between your earnings?

Wallywobbles · 13/07/2025 07:34

I did this. Best thing I ever did. He would never have paid it and would have used it as a stick to beat me with. Horrible abusive man.
The courts also thought he was a total turd for not paying so that helped when he constantly took me to court.

Original poster

Fuzzypinetree · 13/07/2025 07:36

Loveduppenguin · 13/07/2025 07:25

Will you be having 50/50 custody and what’s the difference between your earnings?

Why?

OP posts:

jackstini · 13/07/2025 07:40

Fuzzypinetree · 13/07/2025 07:36

Why?

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Because if you are having 50/50 customer then child maintenance would not apply anyway

millymollymoomoo · 13/07/2025 07:43

People can and do do that !
you can’t say definitive you wouldn’t. You think you wouldn’t but if you end up in dire financial straits and he’s living the high life and you’re getting further in debt plus he’s swanning around with a string of women, whatever, you’d make a claim because you’re laywer and everyone would say do so. Then he’s totally screwed. And I’m saying this because 17 years is a long time and people can’t predict the future or know for definitive what life circumstances will throw at them.

if I was him and I was going to agree it it also want more than just forgoing cns- because I’m being deprived of cash now that I’d be able to invest. So I’d want to opportunity cost and time value if money factored in too

you can put the proposal forward, but I still think he’d be daft to agree. I also understand it might seem attractive to you instead of of fighting for cms

have you had approval from lender etc to take on the additional loan,?

Original poster

Fuzzypinetree · 13/07/2025 07:44

jackstini · 13/07/2025 07:40

Because if you are having 50/50 customer then child maintenance would not apply anyway

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But I've already said that the child maintenance has been set at 1k/month and that he sees DC1 regularly and DC2 not at all. That's not 50:50.

So no, we aren't having 50:50.

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millymollymoomoo · 13/07/2025 07:46

Contact schedules can and do change though over time, so that’s another reason why if I was him I’d not agree your proposal

doesn’t stop you putting to him.