Child Maintenance and reasonable expectation

[LegoCity2024]

Hi, Just wanted to gauge other people's thoughts on this.

My divorce was final the other week (yey!), and when we first decided to separate he asked me to work out how much he should pay towards the children (we have 3), so I did a really quick calculation and the figure I came up with was £350, which is just enough to cover food, and clubs. So he has paid this monthly since then.

We had a mortgage together but he stopped paying for that, even though his name was on it up until very recently.

I have bought him out of the mortgage, but in order to get all the financial approval because I am on a part time income, due to looking after the kids, I had to officially go through the child maintenance service to get a calculation from them, so the mortgage company could see what I 'should' get paid from my ex and class it as income.

That number was £509 - but he has refused to pay that because 'we agreed' on £350. That number (509) is also written into our financial agreement which has been sealed by the court.

I am doing okay financially, but part of me thinks should I push for him to pay what he should be paying? Or should I just leave it?

He's made things really difficult for me since we separated, he didn't even have the kids over night for the first few months, and now has them every other weekend, sometimes over night. He keeps things vague, communicates with the kids about plans before asking me about it, won't give me drop off/pick up times (because how can he possibly know when he's dropping them off??). So i think if I report him for not paying the full amount, he''ll just find some other way to get back at me.

He still has access to the house and garage, even though he moved out 6 months ago. I've left him store his stuff, including a car, in the garage for the last 6 months.

It's not really about the money, its about him doing what he should be doing, and not just going off and living his life, buying himself designer gear, shopping for clothes every weekend, expensive watches etc.

I kind of don't want to rock the boat, but I also want to make him pay.

Maybe I'm too emotional about it - this is why I would like advice...

Absolutely you should be getting that 509. Contact CMS

I am sorry but he is going to find ways to make you bend over backwards like a pretzel so you may as well go for what is your children's money and stop being "nice" to him. Make sure he is totally off the paperwork for YOUR house, stop letting him use you as free storage, push back hard on pick up and drop offs and if he tries to use this to continue to control you take him to court. He is no longer your friend, what he says is not the law. Find your strength and your pride for your children's sake. He is treating you with disrespect and probably hates you so dig deep OP and get what is rightfully your children's.

So......in my experience your ex will carry on as he has started, basically making things difficult for you to plan and organise. He will think he is providing more than enough already and everytime you so much as have a haircut he will think his money is paying for it.
He will also criticise the way you are bringing up the kids, if they step out of line in the smallest way it will be your fault.
He will get the latest things, nice car and have holidays but won't take the kids.
He will cancel having the kids at the last minute especially if he gets wind of you doing something that is important to you.
My advice after being a single parent for 30 years, youngest now 21 is only rely on yourself (and family) if your lucky enough to have support) Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.
I would also look to increasing your own income slowly, more hours, promotion, more qualifications.
I may sound bitter but actually I have 4 very happy well adjusted young adults, we are very close, and they look at their dads and see weak,selfish men who could have done a lot more.
Good luck, enjoy your kids take ownership of your home. The less your ex is around it the less he can spoil things for you.💛

CMS is the absolute minimum he should be paying. I'd send a message or email (something in writing), stating that you expect this to be paid the £509 he is legally obliged to contribute, and that if you have not received the full amount by X date, you will be opening a collect and pay claim through CMS (they take it from his pay before he gets it). Point out that they will charge him for the collection service if he chooses to not to pay voluntary.

In this situation I would expect him to pay.

if he wasn’t being difficult, let you know drop off times and pick up times, turns up to school events, took the children when he can to after school activities, turns up to there activities on the weekend if not working, looks after the children for you to go on holiday if he can, has the kids outside of the agreed arrangement times because they want to see him or your not feeling well or have a day/night out planned, FaceTimes/texts the kids(if they have phones) you know what I’m saying basically isn’t a prick and does what he can they I would say leave it because he’s making up for the money ten fold by being involved with his children.

Yes he should be paying the full amount. I would also make a clear list about other expenses that aren’t covered by the maintenance payments. Haircuts, after school activities, mobiles as they all add up. So many men get away with so much it boils my blood!

Wow thanks guys - he has always made me out to be the unreasonable one - but this has given me the validation I needed! He does see the kids regularly, but it's more of a performance, and he won't have them for prolonged times because 'they get bored' - welcome to parenting mate! He is coming for them today, hasn't given me a time, but my eldest messaged him to ask, and he said 4pm. So this is his 'full weekend' of having them, but he still hasn't let ME know when he's coming, or how long he's having them for tomorrow.

As from next week, the house will be mine, so I'll be asking for keys back and for him to get his stuff out of the garage I think.

My youngest had his transition week at high school this week, and he didn't even message or call to tell him good luck, he only messaged at the end of the first day after his (interfering) sister reminded him, and he hasn't called him or messaged all week asking how it went - if it was me, I'd be ringing, calling needing to know every detail, but I guess that's the difference between a mother and father.

And to answer the person who said I need to try to increase my income, I definitely am - at the moment I'm doing all the hours I can while the kids are at school and come September when the youngest goes to high school I'll be doing even more.

But he still needs to do his bit doesn't he? £350 doesn't really even cover food for the 3 of them, I think I was being generous when I did that calculation.

Yes op you need to go through cms if he’s not going to pay more

as I’ve previously said. If he was the type to be ringing for details or even said if you take your child to the transition day is it ok if he can pick him up or visa versa. Or today for instance if he’s got something on this morning work wise or get the car MOT and said to YOU he can see the kids at 4pm and sorry it’s not all day but you could get more on board with that as your kids don’t want to be waiting around an MOT garage and he has let you know.

even if he didn’t want to give you more money but said he will do you a weekly online food shop or you do it and he reimburse you then that’s a different story. But he’s not been clear in communication

do any of your children have a mobile phone ?

Yep they all have mobiles, just got the youngest one a phone this past week, but it hasn't increased communication channels as I thought it would do. I think he actually believes he's going his best (after I ruined his life, he's struggling mentally, I don't understand what he's going through etc). And I can understand that to a degree, but I put up with years of covert emotional abuse, so he deserves what he's got at the moment. And frankly the kids are happier without him being around every day. He's getting a big payout from the house, so I haven't left him penniless, he earns double what I do. And he only works 4 days a week, so has 3 days every weekend where he can plan things with the kids, but chooses not to - I suggested he pick them up from school on a Friday, then he has them for tea, overnight, then all day Saturday, but that doesn't fit in with his life. Sorry I'm waffling now, there's so much more to it. As far as I can see, all he does on a weekend is hang about with his much younger friends, go shopping, and probably see his lady friend that he thinks I don't know about

I would wait until the house is 100% sorted next week and then o would put in a cms claim & tell him to move his shit out of the garage. He will try & make life difficult but he’s already doing that so you may as well have the extra money.

You’ve just described my ex perfectly!

@LegoCity2024 WhenI suggested increasing yor income please don't think I was criticising I meant so you have less reliance on you ex, mine changed jobs every year the cms couldn't keep up with him and I got no money for years.

Yes use CMS and just don’t engage in discussion leave it to them. I agree don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed. I just use a parenting app or dc arrange own contact. I never rely on ex I always have family cover if I have something planned so exH cant sabotage it.

My court order says each person keeps the property in their possession which means I have a shed full of junk but at least don’t need permission to sell or bin stuff. Your agreement should have dealt with possessions and keys. I would give a deadline when it all has to be removed.

Im also really close to dc and exH is more like a mate or uncle he stopped being a parent a long time ago. And in many ways that’s easier for everyone.

Absolutely start using a parenting app to arrange details. Make him set a regular time. Make him pay what the focument says. Give him a deadline to remove his stuff or you will be getting rid if it. Get your keys back/change the locks. Draw a line now. Start as you mean to go on.

Definitely push for the full amount! But just a note of caution - the CMS may not be able to help. You say that the amount is written into your financial order - is it an order that he pay child support at that level? If so the court has jurisdiction over that, not the CMS. After a year from the date of the financial order, you can apply to the CMS to make a new assessment and that will override the child support part of the order and then they can enforce it as needed. However if the financial order doesn’t contain a child support order as such and just has a recital recording that he is paying that amount, then you can go straight to the CMS.

Do you have a rough idea of his salary? CMS aren't a great service and are extremely slow if you don't chase them. Just be aware of he's self employed or the type to fiddle you could get £0.

Would he attend mediation? Sounds like you need to get days & times sorted for pick up/drop off.

I get £465 P/M for 1 DC this is through CMS. He does 2 overnight stays a month. 0 school runs. Ex also does 3 whopping weeks out of 13 weeks out of school hols. 0 sick days pr inset days all falls on me. I know I'm fortunate but money doesn't compensate!

Post separation abuse is a real thing. When they can’t control you inside the marriage any longer, they try to control you financially & through the kids. You have to get proper access & maintenance agreed for him to stick to now or he’ll continue to do it on his terms only. I fear you have a good few years of this BS to deal with.

My ex was the same. I didn’t push back for years, until very recently. Finally used CMS, took about 20 mins to do online, he now has to pay an additional £120 per month. Fucking twat. He was cross initially but my level of “give a fuck” had declined somewhat. For me it wasn’t about the money either. I just wanted him to pay what he should pay (bare minimum), not what he fancied. Ugh, I really feel for you OP! Be brave though!

I had the exact same problems.
Don’t ask him for the keys, change the locks as soon as you are able.
Report his missing payments, he should be made to pay them back if you’ve already made contact with CMS, and they’ve set the amount. Ask them to move him onto collect and pay.
This is the very least he should be paying.
I agree, he will be likely to try to make things difficult for you, and it may escalate.
If this happens, the next step is a child arrangement order and no contact.
That way exact times regarding drop offs and collection of your children are set down.
Always have that ‘next step’ thought ready.
Its control…my ex often used to turn up at my house an hour early to drop off after contact, and just expect me to change plans, including leave work early to suit him.

The laws are due to change about CMS direct pay anyway - so get your claim in. Go through mediation to set the visitation along with drop off and pick up. Set a schedule and stick to it. Only deviate if he’s acting right. You absolutely do not need to take this losers crap.

I wouldn't ask for the keys back, he just will use it as another power play. The date the house is yours get the locks changed. Don't say anything. Then give him a date to get his stuff out, one weekend he doesn't have the kids. Then move everything out onto the front garden/drive and tell him.
With the kids, it is so hard as they are old enough to communicate with him, but you need to discuss that with the kids... infuriating for you all!
Cms- wait until the house is yours and then email him, in writing obviously, h.if he misses any further payments then I would report him to CMS. You can report historically, so from the moment he was notified the £509, and how many times he has paid £350- just screenshot the bank transfers. That is all it took. He will then pay 20% more, you lose 4% but again, he doesn't get to control that situation.