STBXH and MIL seem to hate my guts

[Libby334]

Been living with STBXH for 9 months whilst separated, which is torture in itself as he is a narcissistic, bitter, man. I reallycould go on but it’s hell.
we have the same phone and his phone was in the bedroom for a while whilst he was downstairs. I picked it up as it was unlocked so I thought it was mine as his wouldn’t be unlocked after such a long time. However it was, not sure if it’s the settings or what.
Anyway, I stumble across messages from him and his mum, and it was absolutely nothing but hatred towards me. Obviously once I realised it wasn’t my phone I should have put it down but after seeing these I just couldn’t, so I don’t need a lecture about going through his messages.
But I was getting judged, name called and criticised for absolutely everything. also my mum and dad who have done absolutely nothing wrong. Getting judged for the way they live their life etc. I saw a completely different side to his mother who was almost goading him. We have a 3 year old, and it worries me what she is going to be hearing when they are together as he can’t do anything on his own without mummy and he only has one friend.
I feel so trapped having to live with this vile person, who has so much hatred towards me. There is no end in sight to this divorce and all the financials. Iv done this for 9 months and this has really topped it off. Not sure what I want from this post, just a vent really.

You don’t need the obvious pointed out to you, so I won’t.

But - have you honestly never criticised him by message to anyone since you split? You know you have. You can’t unread those messages, but you also can’t react to them. You know now and that can influence how you take things forward, but you can’t be combative. Acknowledge it and park it.

It doesn’t matter whether your exh likes you, whether your ex mil likes you. None of it matters as long as there’s nothing that indicates your daughter is at risk being around them.

Living with an ex as you are is extremely difficult, I’m sure you have your reasons for the set up but it will be better for you both when you’re living apart.

I can’t see how my daughter being around people bad mouthing me isn’t going to affect her

I would say that how people are when they're in the midst of it, is heightened and maybe you're seeing the worst of it. It does sound like your eyes have been opened up though - maybe some of his behaviour is learnt from his mum!

Someone said to me it's not helpful to worry about how you think things might be in the future. It's definitely a concern about bad mouthing (parent alienation) - but you can't do anything about it for now. Just be aware and keep being the positive person to your child and see what happens in the future.

Also - for any narcissist I think it's helpful to be whiter than white - ooze kindness and practice the grey rock method. Avoid giving any ammunition to him. He's going to carry on being bitter whatever you do.

Living together when you want out is the worst. Good luck!

Can you say you and your friends and family haven’t said bad stuff about him!
You snooped and found out they hate you no shock there.

he is a narcissistic, bitter, man. I reallycould go on but it’s hell.

You’re on here bad mouthing him so what’s the difference between you typing that on here or him and his mum typing a message to each other?

He’s allowed to let off steam to him mum. She’s allowed not to like you and say so. You don’t have any reason to believe that a private conversation between them - that you shouldn’t have snooped on - will mean they criticise you in front of your child. You’re venting about how awful he is on here, does that mean you’ll involve her in your hatred of him? Hopefully not.