Where to start

[girlmum6]

Hi there, I am in such a mess and would really appreciate kind messages only as I am feeling so low, anxious and like such an irresponsible fool. I have been married for 11 years with 2 children and a third on the way (2nd trimester). It wasn’t planned. But my husband can be unkind, cruel and aggressive (verbally only) and it doesn’t feel that there is any love, respect or affection anymore or that he is interested in me at all. He will swear at me sometimes, do his own washing up and leave mine etc etc and just makes living together so uncomfortable. I feel such a fool for falling pregnant again (I guess I craved the affection and intimacy if I’m honest and we were both foolish) and going ahead with it after he messed me around about whether he wanted the baby. But here we are and I cannot go back and know I will love the baby.

But over the last few months things have got really tough at home and I can’t take it anymore and know I deserve better and that he won’t change. He has refused counselling also. Last night during an argument we agreed to separate and put our house on the market. He doesn’t feel we need solicitors as he says he wants us to split the house proceeds and custody equally. We have made appointments to get our house valued and potentially put it on the market, but I feel alone in this pregnancy and clueless about where to start. I am sad I will need to share custody of my young children but I know it’s something I will need to accept. He earns double what I do although we both work full time, and he has a significantly higher pension. But will our salaries and pensions be a factor at all and is there anything else I should do or think about. Thank you for reading.

Please see a family law solicitor.
Divorcing when there are children, a house and differing salaries/pensions is not straight forward.

Agree with pp. Remember, this man is not a friend and won't put you or the children first at all. The fact he thinks you shouldn't have a solicitor is the biggest red flag he could wave. Go see one for a one off consultation to know your rights before he screws you over. I mean it, he will.

Remember that 50/50 with the older 2 has to be whole days. Start with every other weekend so that the kids get to chill with each parent and see that side of the family then whole days the other time. He is responsible for school or nursery runs on his day and if he can’t pick up on time or has to work then he pays for childcare on those days. He has to take the day off if the kids are sick on his days or it’s an Inset day- don’t be the muppet with 50/50 and saving him money on childcare.
No court will order 50/50 for a newborn never mind overnights. He will owe child maintenance for the baby and will have to see baby for short periods around your availability (especially if you breastfeed)
As you are married, all assets are split L. Assets include cars, pensions, savings as well as house equity.
Be careful of not getting legal advice. I’ve read plenty of stories where the husband says don’t use solicitors and then they’ve tried to shortchange their wife. You don’t have to tell him that you’ve seen a solicitor but you need to remember that he’s not your friend any more. It’s easier for him to recover from this because of his higher salary and he may be angry about the finances and try to manipulate you.

All assets should be in the pot to be split, including his pension. The start point is 50/50, but there could be potential for you to get a bigger share if you made career sacrifices to suport him to get a higher salary, by taking on a larger share of childcare and domestic labour.

Your different needs will also be considered, you both need to have a home for the DC, but he will be able to get a much bigger mortgage then you, so it could be you need to get a bigger split of the assets, in order for the DC to be suitably housed with both parents.

How you split the DC is also open for negotiation, you don't need to agree to anything you don't think is in the children's best intrest, just to be fair to ex. It is almost never in the best interests of a newborn to be away from their mother 50% of the time, the youngest is likely to only be doing short visit for the first couple of years. Not sure how old the other DC are, but it they're still toddlers, then there is a strong argument for them to stay with their primary care giver the bulk of the time, probably with weekends with the other parent.

Once they are school age, it may be beneficial for the DC to have equal contact with both parents, but only if both parents are able to meet their needs and contribute equal to things like homework, school runs, dentist appointments, hair cuts etc.

Thank you so much all for your replies. I appreciate it so much. Just had a big hormonal cry as I am feeling very hurt and let down and scared for the future but I will pull my socks up and get on with it. Our older children are 3 and 5. I will organise a solicitor in the next few days. He has suggested postponing putting the house on the market until it picks up as he is worried we won’t get so much for it but I just don’t know if I can live with him like this for much longer and would prefer to at least be progressing things.

Also your financial assets accrue from the day you started living together as opposed to date of marriage.