Unhappy

[LostHerSpark]

Hi girls,
Ive not been happy with my husband for a couple of years after a forced termination and the lack of support and resentment that followed.
We spoke about it a couple of months ago and agreed we were going to separate but we wouldn’t tell anyone/the kids until we’d got our heads around it all.
Anyway, I started seeing someone else, I know it was quick but I’d checked out 2 years ago. Husband found out and now everyone knows, the problem is that they don’t know we split because we kept it quiet and are all blowing it up and making it sound sleasy. This man is everything my husband isn’t and I really care for him a lot and he does me.
When my husband found out, he threatened that if I was going to be with this other man then he’d make sure I didn’t see the kids, so we got back together and have been trying to make it work.
The problem is I can’t stand him touching me, I don’t think I ever will. I look at him and I feel nothing except annoyed. But I’m stuck, I can’t leave because I have no money and nowhere to go. My business is run from one of our outbuildings at home that I wouldn’t have access to if I left and doesn’t turn over enough money to rent anywhere.
My parents divorced this year and therefore don’t have any money to help me. I was so close to my mum but she moved 2 hours away to live in a family members empty house. My dad came round this morning and screamed at me because he’d heard what had gone on with the other man. Again, he didn’t know we’d split and shouted ‘liar’ at me when I told him. After the way he’s spoken to me, he’s not my dad anymore. I have no one.
Girls, how do you do it? I’m a complete mess trying to figure it all out in my head and can’t see a way through it all!

For the sake of everyone involved you need to end things with this other man OP until you have everything else sorted out.

I really don’t understand why people try and justify their behaviour with “I’d checked out x years ago”. If you weren’t officially separated then you were still together and therefore you had an affair. Waiting barely 8 weeks - and still being legally married - to start a new relationship is ridiculous and just gives him the ammunition to be able to paint you as the protagonist and cause of your marriage breakdown

end things with the other man and end your marriage properly

I am sorry for your situation. It sounds horribly messy.

your dad is unbelievable. I would tell him that he is not welcome in your house again until he apologises.

I think your dh reasonably thought separation was still not finalised and perhaps he does have a right to feel you cheated.
but…To be honest it hardly matters if you had an affair, there is absolutely No Way your dh can stop you seeing your kids. Would you say you are their primary carer?

It sounds like you have some dreadful bullying men in your life. Presumably that is why your mum divorced your dad?

how old are your kids? Could you move to live with your mum and do your job from there? Two hours is still do-able for exdh to have access at weekends, kids can change school.

Or, could you propose to your mum that you and she get a place together near your marital home, with enough space for the kids? You might have less financial strain if you join forces.

I feel like the two years you have been thinking about this should probably have been two years you spent saving, getting a full time job, and planning how to move out! By letting it drag in you have allowed your dh to control the situation whilst doing nothing to plan your escape.

its disheartening to be stuck in a marriage like yours, so no blame should be attached to getting things into a pickle. The main thing is to disentangle things and make a positive plan for the future

Give up your business, get a FT job, claim UC if you don't earn enough, go to CMS, then look to rent. Apply for divorce.

You can of course do it, but you will need to work FT.