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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child arrangements

33 replies

Hello1989 · 08/07/2025 08:17

Hi all
i did post on this a few weeks ago and had some great advice. My situation has developed more and wanted to see if anyone can share some light.

my husband js currently in a mental health clinic in Spain (min 30 day stay) for addiction to weed and mental breakdown. He has adhd, depression anxiety and anger issues. He is under care of therapist and psychiatrist there. They have already advised he stays minimum 2 months ideally 3 months as he is not progressing as they hoped. We have a 17 month old daughter I am a stay at home mum luckily we own our house joint outright.
my concern is he is going to discharge himself early ( he has told us this) and try and get custody, which I know is unlikely because of his health but how what do I do in the meantime for child arrangements? He gets angrier more and more the fact he’s there and apparantly me and his family have put him there, can’t see it’s him. The more time away he is from his daughter the angrier he gets so it’s a viscous circle.

what do I suggest regarding appropriate time he sees her when he js out in two weeks? I did get some brief legal advice who suggested most likely every other weekend supervised. His parents are fully with me and are happy to supervise but I feel this would make the situation worse and worse with this anger isses

i was thinking to suggest Friday afternoons supervised at his parents
every other weekend Saturday - Sunday supervised at his parents
one half day extra a month
do I need to get this formalised?

before he went to the clinic I was arranging him to come to our home every other day for two hours but it didn’t work and he kept shouting so I can’t have him here unfortunately

many thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Hello1989 · 08/07/2025 08:21

Also to shed some more context last time we FaceTimed two days ago he said to her ‘mummy’s locked daddy up with heroin addicts darling and someone who’s son has killed themselves’ in a really horrible way, I said to his parents I think this has crossed the line but not sure whether I should continue the FaceTime contacts or get someone else to do them

OP posts:
Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 08:23

i would leave the country and move if I could in your shoes op

and basically leave no information as to where I was going

I wouldn’t want this man within a 10 mile radius of my child

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 08/07/2025 08:27

Jeepers

get more than brief legal advice!!!! Don’t worry about his anger issues / reaction etc your main priority is your DC

I would start with a supervised contact centre at first - for a few years- if better then the parents can be the supervisor

happithipoy · 08/07/2025 08:32

Is this is normal behaviour or is this the mental illness?

before any contact he needs his mental health sorted. Then you can do baby steps with supervised visits that get longer and more frequent etc.

yea I get that the longer he doesn’t see his child the angrier he gets but you cant be responsible for that. He needs his head sorted out first and foremost.

if in FaceTime he says things like he has again say ‘ oh no the signal is bad’ and hang up so your child is non the wiser and let him know beforehand any abuse I’ve language and the FaceTime ends.

keep his parents on side. Is contact centers an option?

Original poster
Hello1989 · 08/07/2025 08:37

So since March this year is when the issues started. He had a diagnosed manic episode and in March and after that really is when the anger has been unleashed. You can’t say anything to him really without him flying off the handle. He then has another mini manic episode got chucked out of a hospital seeing a family friend didn’t sleep for three nights and then was put in the clinic. He’s been detoxed for two weeks though off the weed he’s on sleeping pills anti depressants and I think mood stabiliser although doesn’t want to take it. So i guess my answer is yes he has been like this for 5 months but before this all started he wasn’t like this.

the issue is is that he has a massive family I live two mins from his sister we all live walking distance from each other so I think his parents makes most sense. I just want to make sure he does see her each week basically as I can’t imagine how traumatic it is not to see her/or make it worse. Do I need to file for a mediator I have no idea this process? Also terrified he could get more custody which I’m sure he wouldn’t but the thought scares me

OP posts:
Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 08:38

as I can’t imagine how traumatic it is not to see her/or make it worse.

I wouldn’t give a flying fig about his trauma

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 08/07/2025 08:40

Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 08:23

i would leave the country and move if I could in your shoes op

and basically leave no information as to where I was going

I wouldn’t want this man within a 10 mile radius of my child

She can’t just leave the country - she could be done for kidnap!

Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 08:43

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 08/07/2025 08:40

She can’t just leave the country - she could be done for kidnap!

Show quote history

Nah

he’ll be back in the uk
and he’ll be fidgeting and trembling from withdrawal in Spain. Won’t be able to do a damn thing!

SewingBees · 08/07/2025 08:44

You need to put your child's needs first, not his. The things he said to her on the facetime call are completely inappropriate. I would stop contact completely until you are confident that he will behave in a way appropriate to her age and not cause harm.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 08/07/2025 09:46

“can’t imagine how traumatic it is not to see her/or make it worse”

You are worried about the wrong person. You must protect your DC first even if that is traumatic for your H / ex

MageQueen · 08/07/2025 09:51

Unfortunately, you are fallign into that classic trap of attempting to manage HIS mental health. And therefore doign things that you think might HELP him.

But there are two main problems with this.

1 The things you are doing to try to help him are not the help he needs. He needs to be in this facility, engaging with therapy, working on his issues, dealing with any traumas etc. Spending time with his DD, even in the most perfect of situations, is very unlikely to actually help his mental health.

2 The things you are doing are not helping YOU or your DD who is now at risk from his behaviour, comments and attitude.

I thin you need far more proper legal advice. I would be massively limiting contact completely, but it may be that you have to allow some basic, heavily supervised, contact. Get advice on that. Do not allow more than the bare minimum.

Your job is not to help his mental health. Your job is to protect your dd.

Snorlaxo · 08/07/2025 10:02

Don’t follow the advice of the first reply- that’s considered kidnap.

Getting a formal Child Arrangement Order is a good idea just in case he abducts the child. There’s stories on here of one parent doing that and the other having to go to emergency court to get child back.

You are focusing on the wrong person. Your ex’s mental health is not your fault and you can’t fix him.

Your primary concern should be where he’s going to live. Is he planning to live with you again? If so, I’m very concerned for your safety. Is he planning to live with his parents? I’d also be concerned about their safety too. I assume that he was sent to Spain because he couldn’t get a place in a UK psych hospital. I think that you should be concerned that he won’t be under medical supervision here and may not take his medication out of spite.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 08/07/2025 11:07

Rumblerum · 08/07/2025 08:43

Nah

he’ll be back in the uk
and he’ll be fidgeting and trembling from withdrawal in Spain. Won’t be able to do a damn thing!

Show quote history

It’s still kidnap and OP could get in a lot of trouble for it. I wish people wouldn’t suggest just fucking off with the kids - it’s such dangerous advice.

Original poster
Hello1989 · 08/07/2025 11:36

Yes he’s going to live with his parents and no I definitely won’t be leaving the country! I have had confirmation from his psychiatrist and therapist to go no contact with him in writing which I guess is a start this morning if he ever tried to threaten and comes out early ( well he already is!) but at least he’s stuck there for now, in Spain as they had a bed immediately and his psychiatrist knew the facility very well she was a lead at a very well known establishment and sent him there instead

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 08/07/2025 11:40

Can you be strong and call the police if he does turn up at yours? It sounds like he is very angry and it’s very likely that he will want to take it out on you when it’s not your fault.

I’m sorry but you need to try and stop feeling sorry for him until he takes steps to engage with his psychiatrists to get better.

MageQueen · 08/07/2025 11:46

Hello1989 · 08/07/2025 11:36

Yes he’s going to live with his parents and no I definitely won’t be leaving the country! I have had confirmation from his psychiatrist and therapist to go no contact with him in writing which I guess is a start this morning if he ever tried to threaten and comes out early ( well he already is!) but at least he’s stuck there for now, in Spain as they had a bed immediately and his psychiatrist knew the facility very well she was a lead at a very well known establishment and sent him there instead

So you have had professional medical advice that you should go no contact? why are you still facetiming? why are you considering letting him see your DD?

Sitnow · 08/07/2025 15:32

How are you faring for money if neither of you work?

Sassybooklover · 08/07/2025 15:56

I'm confused! Your partner is currently in a mental health facility in Spain. Where are you? In Spain or the UK? Where do his sister and parents live? Do you live permanently in Spain or the UK? Was your daughter born in the UK or Spain? If professionals are telling you not to have contact with your partner, then that's what you need to do. Your priority is you and your daughter, not your partner. You need to protect your daughter from her Dad, who is mentally unstable. Yes, he's angry because he most likely can't see/won't admit he has a problem with drugs. He's blaming you and everyone else for him being admitted, because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his own behaviour. Taking responsibility would mean, he'd have to admit to himself that he's an addict. Unfortunately, if he isn't engaging, then he's not going to progress and therefore he won't get better. You need to seek proper legal advice, based on the country you are living in. Your partner shouldn't have any contact with your daughter until he's well.

Original poster
Hello1989 · 08/07/2025 18:38

We live in uk and yep this therapist and psychiatrist told me to cut contact but not with our daughter so just trhing to work out what best to do when he comes back more than now when he’s there, because he will want to see her and will be even angrier when he realises it’s supervised. I also don’t know how often to suggest, what is best etc if it’s supervised with his parents I feel comfortable with them they are very good people and have her best interests at heart. So I was thinking once a week for an afternoon? Our daughter is English they just sent him to a facility there because there was a bed. Does anyone have reccomendations of what I should suggest when he is home to start off with?

OP posts:
dontwannadothis · 08/07/2025 18:42

I'm confused as to how he's in a unit in Spain but normally lives in the uk?

3max · 09/07/2025 08:09

I don’t get how you’re a SAHM, he’s unemployed, you’re in Spain and managing financially. If this detox being paid by Spanish health system? Are you or your partner Spanish?

Either way, you seem far too concerned with what sounds like a profoundly unpleasant, aggressive and unstable man. I’d be doing my utmost to limiting contact to the absolute bare minimum (fuck all if possible)

3max · 09/07/2025 08:09

Hello1989 · 08/07/2025 08:21

Also to shed some more context last time we FaceTimed two days ago he said to her ‘mummy’s locked daddy up with heroin addicts darling and someone who’s son has killed themselves’ in a really horrible way, I said to his parents I think this has crossed the line but not sure whether I should continue the FaceTime contacts or get someone else to do them

I can’t believe you’re even asking tbh

3max · 09/07/2025 08:10

but at least he’s stuck there for now

so this isn’t voluntary. He’s been sectioned?

3max · 09/07/2025 08:15

I am confused OP

i have just posted on your other thread from a couple of weeks ago, and you’re in the Uk and asking for advice specific to the UK

what is going on? Are you in Spain or the UK? Seems a little odd to be confused about this OP

Livelaughlurgy · 09/07/2025 08:23

She's in the UK, he's in Spain- because the facility had a bed available. I'm assuming money is not an issue since she draws a salary despite not working. It's all in the op's posts.