Holiday Pain

[SadBarney]

Hi everyone,

I really need some advice and support. We have a family holiday booked for September – all paid for, non-refundable, something we’d been looking forward to as a family. But my world has turned upside down since then.

I recently found out my wife is having an affair. She’s emotionally checked out of the marriage and has already moved on with someone else – an ex-prisoner who honestly seems like the complete opposite of everything we built together. I’ve always tried to raise our two children in a calm, loving, and respectful environment – no swearing, no chaos – and now she’s bringing someone into their world who lives off beers and bad language. I’m heartbroken, confused, and scared for the future.

Here’s where it really stings. Our son, who is young and doesn’t fully understand what’s going on, asked about the holiday the other day. I gently said I might not be able to go and that maybe mummy would take them. He immediately burst into tears and begged me to come. “Call your work,” he said. “You and mummy are going – we’re all going as a family.” I was crushed. What am I even supposed to say to that?

I can’t fake a smile for a week and play happy families with someone who’s already left emotionally and is bringing someone so toxic into our lives. But I also can’t bear the thought of my kids being disappointed, or worse – seeing us fall apart in front of them.

If I leave it to her, I know her response will be cold and simple: “It is what it is. Deal with it.”

So what would you do in this situation?

• Do I go for the sake of the kids, even though it will break me inside?
• Do I explain to them gently why I can’t go – and risk them resenting me or being hurt?
• Has anyone been through anything like this with a booked holiday?

I never thought I’d be writing something like this. I just want what’s best for my kids, but right now I feel completely lost and broken.

Any advice would mean the world.
Thanks for reading.

If he is responding with those words, he’s more than old enough to understand why you aren’t going on holiday.

Don't go on a family holiday when you've split up.

Plan another holiday for you to take your DC away, without your ex.
It will give your children mixed messages if you holiday together, or you will argue and row all week which would be just as bad for everyone involved.

You can't all go away together that soon after a break up, if ever. What are your plans? I'm assuming from what you've said the idea is that you are splitting, does DS know yet? It's not clear if he thinks you might not be able to go because of work but doesn't know about the split, or if he doesn't understand why you can't all still go together. If it's the former, once you've told him about the split it should make more sense to him, if the latter, explain why it's not a good idea.

Also, I would argue that you could take the kids away and leave mummy at home, although appreciate that may not be easily achieved if she is going to be obstructive

Thanks again to everyone who’s commented — I’ve been reading each reply carefully and taking it in. I wanted to add some context that I didn’t explain properly before:

We’re all still living together — separate rooms, no talking — just waiting until she finds her own place. I’m in limbo myself, waiting to hear if the landlord will let me take over the tenancy on my own, and after that I’ll be involving a solicitor to split everything properly.

Our eldest child does know what’s going on. He’s aware of the affair and of the split — but he’s quiet and private about it. I think he’s trying to process it and possibly protect his younger sibling from the reality.

It’s our youngest, though, who is breaking my heart. He’s been talking about this holiday all year long. In his little mind, this is going to be the highlight — the big, beautiful memory with mummy and daddy. When I even hinted I might not be going, he burst into tears and begged me to come. “Call your work, daddy — we’re all going as a family.”

He doesn’t know. Not yet. And it feels so cruel to rip this away from him before it even begins.

Financially, I can’t afford a second trip to make it up to them. So my options feel awful either way:

• Go on the trip and try to emotionally detach — be there for the kids and nothing more — or
• Don’t go, and let them deal with sadness and confusion that will probably be worse coming from their mum than me

I know it’s not good for them to think we’re still a unit when we’re not. But how do you break that to a child who’s been looking forward to this all year?

I would really appreciate help from anyone who’s been through something similar — especially how to break it gently to a younger child without crushing them.

If it was me I’d probably suck it up and go, as hard as that would be. There’s no easy answer here you just need to navigate each step as it comes. The massive downfall of my girls came from their dads inability to control his emotions around our breakup in front of the kids, as a parent it’s a key skill and the most protective factor for them.

Can you go on the booked holiday without the wife? I’d do that, your son will be hurt, but by going on the holiday you’ll be prolonging it and then he’ll want the next thing with you and your wife together, it’ll have to stop at one point.

Your call buddy, can you speak to your ex wife about it? Maybe even say she’s poorly and can’t go. How olds your son?

I would be going without her but in no way,shape or form would I be playing happy family's for a week and giving the totally wrong impression to my children of what a good decent relationship is

Why is she going when you're not even it was her decision to have an affair and leave?
You should be taking the children

My son is 8. I spoke to her this morning and, with a smile, she said she’s fine not going — and that either I can tell him or she will.

Of course, I know she’ll be spending the week with her new boyfriend (which I’m trying not to focus on), while I’ll be here playing dad — holding back the tears and putting on a happy face for our son.

I honestly don’t understand why life feels so hard when all you want is something simple — just to love your family and give them everything you have.
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Don't do it.

When my exH and I split we went ahead with a holiday we had booked for the kids sake. While I think they enjoyed it, I found it excruciating and painful.
It definitely set back my recovery and put me squarely back at square one.

Either go by yourself with the children & make the best of it or cancel it and do something else.
And definitely don't let her and the new bloke go if that's a suggested option.

Can you and the boys go?

Im sorry OP. It's so hard.
I'm glad you're getting to go with your kids.

Your wife will be in a weird bubble right now and possibly telling herself all kinds of shit to justify her actions.

Focus on you and your boys and try not to look ahead too much for now.

I took her off the flight and I am so glad I did. Last night I felt awful for doing it but today she left her phone out and I couldn’t help myself. She’s been sending her new bf the most graphic videos of herself in our bed while I was out working then she made a video saying when they are away we can play. I was fuming! But then I thought you know what, if I ever saw him in public I’d go up to them both shake his hand and say she’s your problem now. He will 100% cheat on her or her on him. They sound like pathetic teenagers. I’m working my backside off trying to be fair with all the finances and I even thought I’ll give her a little extra. She just sings around the house all day. Every woman and man deserves to be happy, ok you don’t love me, you don’t like me anymore but for gods sake have some self respect or respect for me and leave then do it. What if one of the kids had walked in.

Same as my ExH - she is prioritising a relationship that may not last but you are prioritising your relationship with your kids which will last a lifetime.

When I used to feel crap about my ex moving on so quickly it was this revelation which kept me going.

You have definitely made the right call on the holiday!