Finally at breaking point...now what?!

[WaningCrescent19]

I've been with my husband for just over 10 years and we have two kids, aged 7 and 5. I'm now seriously questioning whether divorce is the right option and I’m hoping for some input, especially from those who’ve walked this road before or are co-parenting after a separation.

I don’t think my husband is built for parenthood. That’s not me trying to be mean or bitter, he’s just completely disengaged. He doesn’t play with the kids, doesn't plan fun things for them, has no idea when they have clubs or what they even enjoy. He’s never bought them clothes or toys and I could count on one hand the number of times he’s taken them out by himself. And even then, it was usually because I found something, booked it, and nudged him into going.

He’s a shouty, disciplinarian type of parent. I’m not perfect, I lose it sometimes too, but I generally try to explain things and talk things through. I only raise my voice when it’s really needed, like if they’re running near roads. I actually love being a mum. I get overstimulated like anyone else but I want to wrestle and play and enjoy the chaos. He just doesn’t. He spends most of his time glued to his phone or computer.

He works shifts with early starts like 4am, and that makes him tired and irritable. But it feels like the entire family has to absorb the fallout whenever he's in a mood. Meanwhile, I work a high-pressure job from home. And somehow, because I work from home, I’m expected to do the bulk of housework, parenting, admin and everything else. He helps occasionally, but it’s always minimal or half-done. He’ll hoover one room and leave the rest. Puts clothes in the wash but only folds his own. He won’t touch the gross jobs, like cleaning toilets. I’m the one who finds tradespeople, plans renovations, sets up bills, renews insurance. I even manage his own paperwork and accounts. He just transfers a set amount into our joint account each month.

He's also very self-centered in ways that seem small but add up. He’ll book a dentist appointment for himself and never once think to ask if the kids are due a check-up. If I travel for work, he won’t adjust his schedule. I’ve had to rush home from events on three-hour train rides just to make sure someone’s there for the kids. If he’s unwell, he shuts himself away. If I’m unwell, I’m still doing packed lunches and bedtime stories.

Lately when I talk to him, he doesn’t even look up from his phone. I’ve just stopped bothering. He rarely socialises now and seems to resent me for seeing friends. It feels like he punishes me for it. If I’m hungover the next day, he won’t even think to take the kids out so I can rest. And when we argue or hit a rough patch, he freezes me out completely. He won’t talk to me for days. And he knows how much I hate that.

Counselling is off the table. He would never agree and even if he did, he’s so stubborn I don’t think anything would get through.

What scares me is how emotionally checked out I’ve become. We had a rough patch a few months ago, the kind that used to leave me crying and fretting. And I realised I hadn’t even shed a tear. I just felt numb. And that terrified me.

I know I don’t love him anymore. I don’t feel attracted to him. I get irritated by small things he does. But I still like him in some ways. We do laugh together. We can be fun. There’s a friendship still there. But the relationship is hollow. We’re just existing side by side. If it weren’t for the kids, I wouldn’t hesitate. But they are everything to me. And the thought of not seeing them every day is killing me.

I did the whole "you don't do much around the house or with the kids etc" speech and he actually seemed to take it in and started taking kids out for park visits, days out. It was fab. It lasted 2 weeks and he went back to the same old. I genuinely think it just completely isn't natural to him and he just couldn't keep up with it. I think this just irritated me more and made me realise that this cycle will just carry on happening.

I had a migraine this morning and we were meant to meet friends in the afternoon. But as it involved alcohol, I decided I am not going (last thing I need with a migraine that's just about staved off with strong painkillers). My little one has swimming in the mornings and she loves it so much, I literally dragged myself out of bed, vision blurry and he just decides he's going to the gym and so I have to also drag my other one along with me, whilst I'm barely functioning. Then he's gone out and not once, in the past 10 hours has he messaged me to check in to see how I'm feeling. I had no issues about him going out in the slightest, it's been booked for ages. But to have so little care and compassion for me, when literally one quick message would take 2 secs to type...that's just told me everything I needed. He came home, brushed his teeth and not once came up to see me, whilst I sit there putting the kids' washing away. He's either freezing me out, though I have no idea why, but I think he's just checked out himself. We were both on the same page of separating last time we had a busy up in February but then we just kind of stayed living together and got back to near normal somehow. I need him to move out but it will be a struggle to find a place near us to rent on his budget. Will I be forced to remortgage to give him equity?

We live in a house near school and I couldn't afford to sell up and find another house in same area alone though I could just about afford to stay in this house without him. Emotionally though, I’m terrified. Will they be ok? Will I be ok?

I know I'll cope fine with being a single mother. I've been pretty much doing it all their lives anyways. But I am so worried about impacting them but honestly, he's been fairly absent (more emotionally than physically) most of their lives anyways. They haven't asked once where he was today...

I guess I’m looking for reassurance or wisdom or honesty. Especially from anyone who’s made this choice as a parent. I just want to know that if I leave, my kids won’t be damaged forever. That I can still build a happy life for them and for me.

He is a net negative on your life. Fuckity bye to him!

They won’t be damaged forever. Divorce can be tough on children but it also depends how the parents handle it. If both parents agree to put the children first, don’t put obstacles in the way of contact and don’t make disparaging remarks about the other parent.
I am newly separated and my kids have taken it surprisingly well. I’m biting my tongue and staying friendly with my ex, but it’s much easier when you don’t have to live with them. Mine was moody, angry, selfish and lazy. I have no idea what caused this change in him but tried for years to find a way through it.
The relief of having a house of laughter and calm was worth the upheaval.
My kids don’t hide in their rooms anymore either, it’s honestly been the best thing for them and me.
My husband was holding me back from actually living life, I am a way better mum on my own because I’m happy and energised. That’s better for the children and we are having a lot of fun!
It is really early days for us but I have absolutely no regrets. Should have done it years ago

Absolutely divorce.

Literally, this. We have such fun when he's at work. We're silly, laughing, playing. And when he's home, the atmosphere is just not the same. He shouts at kids for spilling things... Now every time they spill, they panic. He moans at them for being messy eaters, having toys everywhere. Literally a fun sucker. With his shift work, I think he'd agree to a 3 nights or hopefully even 2 nights. He's extra precious about his sleep, We've slept in separate rooms pretty much since kids were born because guess who had to do all the night feeds because I was breastfeeding anyways and he gets anxiety when has less than 8 hours sleep... 😒
We had so much in common but in past 5/6 years he started having some strong opinions about politics and stuff that he was never bothered about. His parenting technique is so outdated but he will never be told he's in the wrong. In a way I'm glad I've been a default parent and with the kids most of the time so hopefully he hasn't managed to dump some emotional trauma on to them. He thinks I'm way too soft and that gentle parenting is cr*p. I can't say I'm a full gentle parent and I do sometimes parent like they're more my friends than kids but I am definitely not a mega gentle parent at all times, where it's needed, I can be firm. Whereas he feels like he has to assert his authority all the time, unnecessarily.

I definitely need to hear this. I'm kicking myself for chickening out so many times to make this final call. As difficult as divorce will be, I'm sick of having times like this. What annoys me the most, is in front of people, he puts this act on of being an involved parent. But in reality, its probably the only time he plays with kids! Telling my family and friends will be tough. I've only ever opened up.aboit it to my closest friends. Mum and I have a great relationship but we don't tend to speak about "deep" things like this. She's quite traditional in the marriage sense and loves him, and slightly dreading telling her about everything (though can't quite pin point the exact reason why).

Please get rid if u can you will get help form. Benefits for childcare and a move may do u good plan carefully and get some money behind u first x

I was dreading telling my loved ones, but they were so supportive and several of them were actually quite happy about it. Family sometimes observe things but don’t say anything because they know it needs to come from you.
But even if they do react badly, it’s not their life you’re living. You deserve joy and happiness. It’s divorce, not murder, they’ll get over it

You know what you need to do. Your life will be so much better without him and so will your kids’. He will likely only see them EOW and maybe once during the week and he will likely step up for them during those times, as he can do what he likes the rest of the time. He’ll be happier too but he will be angry initially blame you. He won’t be sad at losing you, just your housekeeping services. And you will get used to a little child-free time, you bloody deserve it!

Recently separated in similar circumstances - I had become numb and i couldn’t even bother saying good morning, I feel lighter now. You will be more than fine and you deserve more. I asked myself whether the way I felt that day was a way I could feel for the next 40 years. I couldn’t.

This is very similar to my situation. My husband has been off sick with depression after being made redundant for a year too and hasn't made any effort to get another job or to access therapy.
I went away for a couple of days leaving him in charge. I told him he needed to shop and prepare the kids meals ( they are teens so much easier). He did that but then didn't engage with them at all. I asked how it was while I was away and my older DC said he had to ask my younger one how his day was because DH just sat there at the table not speaking to them apart from to give them instructions like 'set the table' etc! As a result I've asked him to go to his mums for at least the summer until he can get a sickness benefit claim and whatever else he wants to do sorted. Im not having my kids feel uncomfortablein their own home which is what they were. I've said we can talk and I'll go to couples therapy with him if he wants but at a distance.
It made me laugh when you said you were so close but he's got into politics! The same thing happened to us! He didn't vote in the Brexit referendum because he ' didn't understand enough' 🤔 I did joke at the time that if only he was married to someone with 2 politics degrees he could have asked them but looking back it was just a symptom of his disregard and disinterest in what I do. He massively got into Leftist politics and tried to mansplain Trade Unionism to me. I was literally his Union rep when we met at work!

Wow, I could have written this myself. Same amount of time married, similar aged children, he also works shifts so I’ve felt like a single parent from day dot. He sounds like a carbon copy of my husband.

I’ve come to realise my husband lacks empathy, has no emotional awareness and is very selfish probably without realizing it.

He will happily pop out “for a few hours” and then waltz back in 7 hours later with no apologies for leaving us all day and missing Sunday dinner etc. We parent reasonably well together, although he is more grumpy / killjoy and the kids now pick up and comment on this. A recent example is us all having a day out at the beach and he sat in his phone majority of the time whilst we all played in the sea & built sandcastles. My daughter even said to him “you are so boring dad”. He is there physically but never emotionally.

We had conversations around separating last Christmas (there had been a bit of deceit which was the trigger) but it all got very emotional and we kind of agreed to try again. Things picked up for a while but they have slowly slipped again and I just know I’m not happy and have checked out.

I feel I am now treading water just waiting for the right time to separate, although I know the timing will never be right.

I honestly think the children will be fine, they love their dad but I know I am a far happier / funner mum when he isn’t around. We both deserve to be happy and we don’t give that to one another. My biggest concern is financial but like you, I think I could make it work albeit very tight in comparison to how we live now.

My wake up call was when a family member was telling me about attending a 90th birthday party and all I could think about afterwards was I can’t live like this for another 50 years, and neither should you.

Do you think he has any idea you feel like thjs? Is he likely to be fairly amicable ?

When a partner checks out emotionally, you can explain how it affects you and DC all you want, they may make an effort fleetingly but the truth is your relationship is as dead as a Dodo.
The only thing holding you back is fear of the unknown but you know deep down, feeling the fear and doing it anyway is best. Your still together because it’s a familiar habit, you are so used to it but without him, you and DC are happier and you’re a single parent now anyway.

I think you dread the thought of telling your mum because she thinks it’s better to stay together for the kids, even if he was a serial cheat giving you std’s regularly.
You don’t need her permission or blessing to do what is best for you and children and as she avoids any deep conversations, she sees everything in black and white and refuses to consider there being anything in between. That is on her, something that has held her back in life and I would just tell her calmly that you are an adult and she can at least, respect that this is your life and your decision.