What do I do?

[Kimcat1]

I really need some impartial advice.

We were having big problems in our marriage for a while. Almost ended back in September. Husband left me with very little on maternity leave (had to go into overdraft) while he had thousands in his bank. Also terrible communication between us and no intimacy. I had tried so many times to fix it, begged him to tell me what was wrong, why he wouldn't speak with me or touch me, asked him to come to counselling with me.

A dream job opportunity came up for him in America and so we talked and talked and he said how this was our chance and what an amazing opportunity it would be for us as a family etc. Our little one is 22 months old. I stupidly agreed to it and naively thought this would be the thing that would finally bring us together. I know it was wrong but I loved him.

We get out there and it's just made everything worse, compounded all of the issues. I then find a whole bunch of corn on his phone, webcams, only fans and a site called chat match. As in watching it everyday at times when I'm trying to put our girl down for a sleep, or when our daughter is in bed and I'm in the bath etc. I had previously broken down to him and asked him to please be honest with me as to why we have no intimate relationship (I'm talking once in 2 years) he was aware my self confidence was gone and I was feeling awful about myself. I asked him if he watched things etc, he said no and it was due to his meds and also the fact he just didn't prioritise that in a relationship. This feels to me like manipulation.

I feel like I've been neglected in every sense of this marriage. Financially on maternity leave he let me sink, physically he barely touches me, emotionally he shuts me out constantly as he "doesn't want to get stressed". I have had enough and can't do this anymore. I can't show my baby that this is what love is.

We have come back to UK to spend time at home with family. While being home my dad has also passed away. I have told him I'm done. I can't think of anything worse than going back to US but obviously he wants to see our girl and can only come back once every couple of months for a week. He's now stating he wants us there from 10-28th of July, and that our daughter will be staying in the apartment with him (she still breastfeeds at night and he has never been able to put her to bed). He never made it a priority to be able to comfort her and would always just give her to me. I don't want to stay in the apartment with him.

I don't want to keep her away from her dad at all, I want them to have a relationship. I'm just terrified of being out there alone with our daughter. I don't think he would do anything, however last time when I told him I couldn't do it anymore he became angry, red in the face and starting pointing his finger on the table saying "you think I'm going to let you leave and take my daughter, you think I'm going to let that happen" and that has stayed with me.

Ahh I'm so sorry for the length of this post, and thank you if you got this far. I'm waiting to speak to a family lawyer to see what on earth I should do here. Just looking to see what others would do in terms of taking our daughter out to the US to see her dad on a regular basis? I can't shake this feeling of guilt.

Is he from the UK and is just in the US for work? In which case I would stay in the UK. He can then see his daughter with a properly sorted out access/ custody arrangement.

What’s you residency status? You definitely need legal advice but if you and your daughter can legally stay in the UK I wouldn’t agree to set foot outside the UK. If you get on that plane he may be able to prevent you from
leaving the US with your child again.

i dont know if this is the right thing to do, I’m thinking quite quickly but I wonder if you should report your daughters passport as missing so he can’t take her.
I would also speak to the police and ask their advice regards violent behaviour and your fear and get it logged.
id tell him you will go when he wants you to go,
most him return and then make a big excuse and don’t go.
And I’d set about building a life for you and your daughter that doesn’t rely on him.

Do not return to the US with your daughter as you may struggle to get her back. You are British so it makes sense to stay here.

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are in turmoil about whether to stay in this relationship and still thinking about your husbands needs as you are still worrying about his reactions and what he wants. What about your needs in all of this? The porn etc sounds like a big betrayal and from what you have said it sounds like there is a massive lack of care from your husband towards you, both emotionally and financially. Do you think he loves you? If the answer is no, does that give you more clarity about giving up on worrying about your husband in all of this?

if I were you I would attend therapy alone and decide what is best for you and your child. Where are you and your needs in all of this, and care for your emotions and feelings?

Do not go with your daughter to the US, you might not the able to get back. Im saying this as someone stuck in a place I hate because ex refused to move. If he wants to see his daughter he can visit her in the UK. I would cancel her passport. Sort yoirbdaughter'a residency and visitation schedule etc. properly through the courts.