Supporting through divorce.

[Malcolminthemid]

Sorry have reposted with a better title,

My sibling and his wife are at the start of a separation/divorce.

A few months ago my SIL announced she wanted to separate, with a no blame divorce. Since then it has come to light that she had been having an affair for some while. I think the marriage had been rocky for sometime, but obviously not aware of what went on behind closed doors. My sibling is devastated by the infidelity and the lies that go along with this. They feel that they are being bad mouthed to people by SIL whilst she is keeping quiet about her misdemeanours with the affair. They feel that they are looked at as a troublesome person. All marriages and relationships are not a 100% Rosie all the time, but they feel they are being portrayed by SIL to raise her image and damage my siblings. There are two young children involved, and I’m obviously concerned about their welfare in all of this.

We are a very small family unit as our parent's passed away a while ago, and I’m the only sibling, (along with my wife we are it.) The SIL family live some distance away, so are not around week to week. And to a certain extent can just sit it out. My sibling is indicating that he wishes us to cut ties with SIL, whilst I don’t condone what she has done regards the affair, I’m also aware that there has to be some kind of relationship going forward if only for the children’s sake. I’m concerned that myself and my wife could become estranged from both my sibling and the children. I’m also concerned this could impact myself and my wife.

Has anyone been in a similar position, and can offer some advice? I’m lost at how to handle this situation that is not of my making. I wish to be supportive but am aware of protecting myself and my wife. Thank you.

None of this is really any of your business.

Their children will still see their mother and their father, who will hopefully be grown up enough to co-parent.

Presumably you will still see your nieces and nephews, when they are with their father. But I don’t understand why you still need to see his ex-wife.

How on earth could their separation impact you and your wife?

Thanks for the reply,

they are not divorced yet, and are still in the same house. As it’s very early days. So in theory they could stay together in the future ( though doubtful). Therefore trying to remain as neutral as possible.

we have been the only support for both parties since my parents passed. And have been a very tight unit, baby sitting etc….

my wife would still like to be friends with SIL long term. I’m not sure how as I’m not that bothered. My sibling works away a lot due to his career. Therefore we have always been about to support when his away.

Why are you trying to be neutral? You are not related to your sister-in-law and they have wronged your sibling by having an affair. You should be supporting your sibling.

Their relationship/split/possible divorce doesn’t have anything to do with you and your wife. Unless you see the children are truly unhappy, or they tell you they’re unhappy, you need to take a back seat.

your wife also needs to decide where her loyalties lie, with your brother, or his cheating wife.

If you or your wife see them both, you can be polite/curt with his wife for the kids’ sake, but I think a friendship is completely off the table now.

Thanks for the replies. And I have been thinking the same, it’s just that I have no one else to run things past and it’s hard to see if I’m doing the correct thing.

regards supporting my sibling, I am, but aware paths will cross in the future. I hope by then things will have simmered down somewhat. Most others have parents etc to spread the load, I don’t.

You’re doing the right thing supporting your brother and being there for the kids if they need you. But your wife needs to cut the friendship with her SIL. Doesn’t mean she needs to be rude to her.

My wife is still wanting friendship with SIL you can see how inflammatory this is.

Of course. But she has to choose where her loyalties lie. Whoever she picks, it’s going to look awful to the other one. Personally I’d choose my brother in law to his girlfriend, but maybe she’s different.

its not fair but it’ll also reflect badly to you, and I wouldn’t blame your bro if he is v annoyed.

This is what I feel.

do you want to stay friends with his ex too?

I’d be amicable in the future at family birthdays etc for the children. But that’s about it on my part.

I think you’re definitely doing the right thing. Unfortunately your wife has free will so it’s up to her what she does. Does she get on with your brother as well as his wife?

Also I love Malcolm in the middle

She does get on with both of them.

Hmm well for now she will have to decide where her loyalties lie. It’s not like a regular split when he’s awkward albeit doable to stay friends with the ex. Your brother’s partner cheated on him.

from what you said in your post you hardly see them. It shouldn’t be a difficult for your wife to cut ties even for now.

you and her can still maintain a relationship with the children. If it’s awkward being around her, you could always ask your brother to bring them to see you.

It’s awkward albeit doable*

No we were all very close lots of time spent together.

It may be hard for your wife but she’s got to choose where her loyalties lie and deal with the consequences. I would explain to your brother if she chooses his wife that you didn’t get any say in the matter.

You're doing the right thing by supporting your brother. In your wife's shoes, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who cheated on their partner. It speaks volumes of their morals and character.
I would want to be amicable with her for children, but would distance myself. Hope your wife will reach the same conclusion for everyone's sake.