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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Should I prompt him?

19 replies

Sprogonthetyne · 04/07/2025 19:35

about a month ago DD asked her dad to attend an event at her school (reception graduation, there is also a play/performance). He said he would and I forwarded the email with date & time, with a note asking him to contact the school and be added to the mailing list so I don't have to be the middle man on future school stuff.

Last week I got a second email from the school asking parents to get tickets for the event from the school office. Tickets are free but limited to two per child due to space.

Can I assume that as a component adult, he will have added himself to the mailing list as I asked, and so will know this?

Or should I be telling him? From experience, I'm pretty sure he won't have contacted the school, but I'm not his secretary.

OP posts:
Prontehpronto · 04/07/2025 19:36

Your daughter would be upset if her dad doesn't turn up, maybe message the school to check he has signed up? Agreed you aren't his PA but it's not your daughters fault he is rubbish.

TheLurpackYears · 04/07/2025 19:37

Unfortunately you need to prompt him. There isn't a better option.

BIWI · 04/07/2025 19:40

Get your DD to ask him?

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 04/07/2025 19:43

When I got my ticket, it was the only one booked against DD's name, so at that point at least he hadn't got one. I asked the school to keep the second allocated ticket back incase he books it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 04/07/2025 19:48

BIWI · 04/07/2025 19:40

Get your DD to ask him?

Like most 5yo's, she's not very reliable about remembering things. Even if she was, I don't like sending messages via the kids, just don't feel right to put them in the middle like that.

OP posts:
BIWI · 04/07/2025 21:18

But it may make him feel guilty - and no reason why his own daughter shouldn’t be asking him about coming to her own graduation!

Jas683 · 05/07/2025 06:10

Absolutely, yes, only for daughters sake.
At the time of reminding him, you could suggest he let's you know of his intentions for significant events as your child is young. At the same time, you can also say that you will provide all relevant information going forward but will not be sending reminders as you are both responsible parents.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 05/07/2025 08:27

Jas683 · 05/07/2025 06:10

Absolutely, yes, only for daughters sake.
At the time of reminding him, you could suggest he let's you know of his intentions for significant events as your child is young. At the same time, you can also say that you will provide all relevant information going forward but will not be sending reminders as you are both responsible parents.

Is it my responsibility to send relevant information when he can access the same information by asking the school to add him to the mailing lists?

That's a genuine question, not trying to sound arsey. If it usually is the responsibility of resident parent, I'll do it but I'd prefer not to as don't want to be the one deciding what information is 'relevant'.

He has a lot of form for finding reasons to have a go at me no matter what I do. If I send him everything for both kids schools/year groups (book looks, sports day, trips, assemblies, coffee mornings, consultations), he'll say me sending the information is me insisting he attends, then complain that I'm asking too much. If I'm the one to pick out which event's are big enough to forward on, then the kids mention something I haven't sent then he'll complain I'm withholding information.

I'd prefer a system where he gets the information independently, then can pick out for himself what he wants to do (which is likely to be very little once it's no longer an opportunity to get at me)

OP posts:
whosaidtha · 05/07/2025 08:46

I don’t know if this is helpful as I’m not in this situation but I was listening to a podcast about an app you can get that has all this type of info on. And you both agree a time once a week or whatever to check the app so you don’t have to spend ages managing messages just once or twice a week and then you have all the info. Might stop you feeling like his secretary.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 06/07/2025 22:44

After all your encouragement I messaged yesterday morning asking if he was still planning to go and weather he had sorted a ticket. he received the message but has not replied.

If he is planning to go, he will need to ring the school by the end of tomorrow to book a ticket. should I message again pointing this out or leave him to it?

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 06/07/2025 22:52

Sprogonthetyne · 06/07/2025 22:44

After all your encouragement I messaged yesterday morning asking if he was still planning to go and weather he had sorted a ticket. he received the message but has not replied.

If he is planning to go, he will need to ring the school by the end of tomorrow to book a ticket. should I message again pointing this out or leave him to it?

If you messaged him anyway why wouldn’t you put the information about the deadline in that message? Then he knows when it needs to be done by and it’s on him to sort

Shoemadlady · 06/07/2025 22:55

Don’t message again. You’ve done your bit. He sounds like my ex! Useless!

owlyboo · 06/07/2025 22:58

For the sake of your daughter if you didn’t put the deadline I would put it. I get it’s frustrating (been a mid man for two years and counting!) but a little text is worth it if the child really wants him there.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 06/07/2025 23:00

It's a natural deadline as the event is on Tuesday morning. I just need to know if he intends to do it or not as I only have a day to prepare my sensitive 5yo to either see him or not see him (both of which are likely to be emotional in different ways)

OP posts:
owlyboo · 06/07/2025 23:14

again for the sake of a text I would just text and remind him of the deadline and ask if he is going so you can tell your child. It’s not your job but equally if it would please your child reminding him of the deadline and that they would really like him to be there takes a second. Again I reiterate it’s annoying, it’s not your job and it makes you want to throw your phone against the wall. I find sending the text whilst then giving the finger helps with the anger!

millymollymoomoo · 07/07/2025 07:15

This time id message and say the deadline is x. Also add, I assume you added yourself to school mailing lists and contact details.

going forward he can get the sane emails/information from school and then do it himself . Tell him you’ve done it this time as dd wanted it but from now on he can check all this stuff himself as you are not his admin

CanOfMangoTango · 07/07/2025 07:23

I would give him the deadline and also say please take this opportunity to speak to the school to ensure they will send you all updates and information that will help you support DD at school.

Wish44 · 07/07/2025 07:54

Going against the grain here… you Ex is an adult… leave him to it.

provide comfort to your daughter if she gets upset. It is best that she knows what her dad is like and learns to live with it and accept it.

I say this as someone who’s mother desperately hid my fathers faults from me and this caused me a lot of woe and it was better when I realised the truth.

Globules · 07/07/2025 08:15

I'm with @Wish44

He's an adult.

Your daughter is 5.

Be there to comfort her if he doesn't show.

Do you want to be his PA for the next however many years?

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