Family divorce and its impact on the whole family.

[Malcolminthemid]

My sibling and his wife are at the start of a separation/divorce.

A few months ago my SIL announced she wanted to separate, with a no blame divorce. Since then it has come to light that she had been having an affair for some while. I think the marriage had been rocky for sometime, but obviously not aware of what went on behind closed doors. My sibling is devastated by the infidelity and the lies that go along with this. They feel that they are being bad mouthed to people by SIL whilst she is keeping quiet about her misdemeanours with the affair. They feel that at the school gate etc they are looked at as a troublesome person. All marriages and relationships are not a 100% Rosie all the time, but they feel they are being portrayed by SIL to raise her image and damage theirs. There are two young children involved, and I’m obviously concerned about their welfare in all of this.

We are a very small family unit as our parent's passed away a while ago, and I’m the only sibling, along with my wife we are it. The SIL family live some distance away, so are not around week to week. My sibling is indicating that he wishes us to cut ties with SIL, whilst I don’t condone what she has done regards the affair, I’m also aware that there has to be some kind of relationship going forward if only for the children’s sake. I’m concerned that myself and my wife could become estranged from both my sibling and the children. I’m also concerned this could impact myself and my wife.

Has anyone been in a similar position, and can offer some advice? Thanks

Stay out of it. He’s feeling hurt, feelings aren’t fact. He also can’t control what other people think of him. For the sake of your niblings I would stay civil.

A good piece of advice in a divorce is to stop disparaging each other. No matter how tempting or satisfying it might feel. They will end up destroying their reputations and making their divorce protracted and expensive. Only gossips and shit stirrers will take sides. Everyone else will stay neutral and sympathise with the situation.

Support your brother and the best way to do that is to help him come to terms with it being over. Then get him to focus on dealing with the legal issues and building a new life. He will be a single father and he needs to create a home and family life around his own household. His ex wife just won’t be part of it.

That is a tricky position to be in. Do you need to make any drastic decisions right now.? Your sibling is going through a traumatic time right now and may change their outlook a year down the line in terms of wanting you to have no contact with SIL.

In terms of your love and support who matters most to you? Presumably your key relationship is with your sibling and their children?. Do you need or want to stay in close contact with your SIL? Could you speak to your sibling and reassure them that you love and care for them but prefer to just keep a civil and polite relationship with your SIL if she is in touch? Imho you do need to decide where your loyalties lie in these situations but that does not mean you cannot be polite to your SIL, but you may need to reassess how close you can be if you ultimately care about your siblings feelings. There is no need for drama or announcements here to your SIL but bear in mind trying to keep everyone happy can result in keeping no one happy…

A guess from her pov she is simply talking to her friends about the things she didn’t like about her husband. That’s fairly normal. That he wants to cut ties with his children is fucked up, and on him.

Think there is cross wires. I haven’t said that he doesn’t want contact with the children.

Thank you for the reply,

I am trying to be supportive but not alienate SIL as if they decide to get back together in the future ( some people do) we don’t want to be the ones who bad mouthed the parties concerned.
Thanks for your wise words, as you say trying to please all may please none.

If he cuts ties with the mother he will be making things difficult for seeing the children

You don't need to be friends you do need to use your manners and be friendly infront of the children

This is what I feel, I understand the anger/upset etc… but there will have to be some contact in the future.

my wife and I feel in an uncomfortable position. We are just trying to keep things balanced.

Obviously your sibling can't cut ties with your SIL but why do you need to keep in contact?. Obviously be polite to her if she speaks to you but you don't need to do anything else.

Because the children are so young and there is no other family. Things such as babysitting etc…

If your SIL wants a babysitter she can sort one out! If you need a babysitter you can still ask your sibling.

Are you planning on still helping her out on her time? I certainly wouldn’t. See your DNephews and nieces through your brother, not her.