DH not willing to discuss separation

[Caughtup]

Hi, just looking for advice really.
Our marriage has been difficult for a long time but recently found some of my DH's behaviours unacceptable and really feeling we are at the end of the road. I am feeling overwhelmed by the situation and struggling to see a future for us. We are both accessing marriage counselling individually, I am not sure about joint counselling yet, as DH likely to see this as us trying to find solution to stay together, which currently I am not sure I can see possible

I am scared about initiating a separation due to the impact on our adult DC, especially one still at home recovering from mental health issues but I am feeling overwhelmed by being stuck with DH

My DH keeps repeating he made a big mistake and is sorry. He wants to stay together and "put things right ". I am struggling to see I will ever be attracted to him again though.

DH is saying whatever happens he will not leave our home. That means my only choice is to stick it out with him or leave myself, even though his actions have caused this crisis ( seeking opportunity to have sexual activity with strangers, which he admitted to be looking for but denies he succeeded, amongst other things)

I was hoping a separation would help me find a bit of head space and be a half way point, to help family be aware there are ssues that we are trying to work through. This may be less shocking for them, instead of just announcing out of nowhere that our marriage is over

Has anyone else been in a similar situation ? I am feeling really stressed and trapped being under the same roof. DH is trying to be a perfect husband and is doing my head in.
It seems my only choice is to leave myself, which I would struggle to fund as I earn less than DH

Thanks

Go and see a solicitor and ask them what options you have to break the stalemate.

First post nails it. Your DH doesn't get to dictate terms. Time to see a solicitor.

A good joint marriage councillor would help you with this - help him to understand it’s over and to end his delusion. I don’t think you should discount it as an option for the reason you’ve given.

Honestly citizens advice is a good start - they will find you a good starting point and help create a pathway to end your nightmare.

Thanks for the replies and advice so far
I just feel it would be preferable for us to separate and tell the DCs we are talking things through with a counsellor, prior to seeking a final decision to divorce, so we don't have to going tocounselling in secret or with our youngest, who is still at home, having the stress of waiting for us to come back from sessions each week, to know what decisions we are discussing. Their mental health has been bad and want the option of keeping a family home for them for their stability, at least in the short term

As DH won't leave though, even temporarily, it feels the situation is stuck

My solicitor told me there's little point to separating. If you have got to the point of separation, things are pretty much irreparable and you should just divorce.

If you don't want to stress your youngest about counselling, why are you discussing it with them? Your children shouldn't be privy to the inner workings of your relationship, some things should be kept private.

Your husband doesn't get a choice about the house either. One party has to buy the other party's share or the house is sold and the proceeds split.

Legal advice should be your priority here.

Thanks @unsync. I am not wanting our DC to be party to our issues, so at the moment we are all under one roof with me and DH pretending there is nothing wrong. If we go to joint counselling when living together, we would have to come up with some lie to them about where we are going, which is also tricky.

As you have mentioned a solicitor may be next option

Don’t be held hostage by your dh, or let your child be used unwittingly as the cause of you being held hostage.

People grow apart, separate, and divorce. Its not a huge tragedy although Mr Siddons may choose to renact one.

and tell the DCs we are talking things through with a counsellor, prior to seeking a final decision to divorce, so we don't have to going tocounselling in secret or with our youngest, who is still at home, having the stress of waiting for us to come back from sessions each week, to know what decisions we are discussing.

That is just going to make them upset and anxious.

I agree — why do you think this would be less hard on them?

Your kids probably know your relationship is in trouble. Just file for a divorce.

Your children will be fine. They are adults. Talk to a solicitor and go from there.