How do I get out with no finances ? How will I manage?

[Fedup927263]

I have been longing to leave my husband for about 8 years now but the past 5 years i have felt increasingly desperate
We have grown apart- the marriage is dead in the water. We don't share a bed, don't spend any time together, we disagree over everything, the love has gone. We are together because we have kids and financially. I know he would leave me tomorrow if he could. I really need advice as I feel like the time is coming where I'm just going to have to do it regardless.
My dad bought our home for us and we live rent free ( this is obviously the main reason husband stays)
The house is in both our names 80/20 declaration of trust but don't really know if that will stand legally (dont care anymore , our house is large so could split 50/50 and get a small place each).
My issue is how we currently manage finances in the home means I never have any money or money to save.
He earns 50k a year but currently off sick earning 25k a year.
I work part time 25 hours min wage.
He decided that instead of always moving money around (wooden dollars he calls it ) it would work the best as follows:

1. He saves all of his income in his own bank account. He will spend out of this for himself , for things for the house/garden (hes very controlling and over involved with the house /garden to the point I've stepped back and let him do everything such as deciding on furniture, decorating etc)

He also pays for any big purchases we need such as holidays, fixing cars, house maintenance. The rest of the money he sits on. My very small wage pays the bills each month. I pay every household bill , fuel for both, food, school stuff. Everything gets added on to a credit card and i pay the full balance each month which leaves me with zero. Im shortly due to get disability benefit on top of my job. I have severe pain every day. I haven't even got it yet and hes already said that it needs paying into the savings (in his name only) . I was hoping that would allow me to build a little pot of money but hes taking it away from me immediately. I really dont know if this is financial abuse or not. He does pay for lots of things and says if I ever need anything costly he will pay for it (i never do) How do I get funds together to pay for solicitors, divorce, house moves etc when he has it all?

It is financial abuse.

Your disability benefit is for your use to cover the cost of things or services you need to help with your disability that a non disabled person wouldn't need.
Get a bank account in your sole name (ideally with a different banking group to the one your H uses). Get any income or benefits paid into that.

DO NOT have this paid into his account.

It's your money. You're on the verge of splitting up.

Use some of the money to see a solicitor about the trust on your house. If it's 80% yours you might be able to get him out.

You are being financially abused.
Please get in touch with Women’s Aid and ask for help unpicking all of this and getting support to leave.

And don’t allow the disability benefit to go into his account.

The household bills - are are they in both of your names, his name, or your name?

If in both, or just his, only pay a portion of them from now on and let him pay the rest.

The 80:20 May well Not hold up, especially if circumstances have changed, eg you’ve had children . And while the ownership his 80.:20 all assets held jointly or in individual names goes in the pot for division. It may carry some weight but we don’t know here

in the meantime get your wages and income into your own account and seek some legal advice so you can educate yourself and empower yourself

In exasperation for you I’m thinking wake up and smell the coffee.
As others have said, you are being financially abused.

Phone around some local solicitors to see who offers 30mins free advice. They often do this in hope of new business.
Contact Women’s Aid for their advice.

Stop being a victim; you have agency and with a bit of research you will get out of this misogynistic financially tethered environment and be your own person again.

MN is a marvellous space for advice and support. Lean on us and be brave.

The benefit will be paid to me initially but he wants me to transfer it to the savings.
I get what hes saying , but i feel like i dont have free access to our money.
My mum ends up subbing me every month as most months I dont have enough to cover the card payment and I dont want to tell him because he goes through every transaction and question it and moans at me if I overspend yet I'm the one paying for it!
He used to be the sole provider and I was a sahm mum but now I've gone back to work its all changed.
I feel like he is very controlling yet he says he isn't. He words things to make it sound like a good idea. My parents hate him

All bills are in my name as he won't deal with any of them

Women’s aid are your best bet. They are absolutely amazing at this kind of thing.