Hidden Share withdrawals whilst divorcing

[Witsend25]

Hi all,

Ive posted on here in the past few months regarding my marriage/ separation. It hasn’t been easy. Long story short, 20 year relationship, children etc. I discovered husband had been rewarded bonuses through work which he hid from me. His salary/ erratic behaviour with finances. All even to a head in Feb when I opened the bonus letters. I filed for divorce but husband still clinging on to a chance of repairing things. He had been gambling secretly but lying and blaming me for being fixated with money etc. All of a sudden, he’s trying to play me wonderful etc and asked me to go for couples counselling. On top of the gambling and finances he hasn’t been the most pleasant to me or our children. Calling me names. Pathetic. Need to grow up, know my place, be grateful for what he’s provided etc. Told me to shut up…

Anyway, as the months have rolled on and the divorce is going through I find myself filled with guilt fo being the one who is reluctant to make a good things. He’s promising the world etc. Has an excellent salary (I work part time)
We are financially secure in terms of not struggling but haven’t lived the life we should based on his earnings.

I have found a letter that came 2 days ago which shows he has withdrawn a few thousand pounds of shares out. He’s never been transparent around these savings but as part of the divorce we had to declare everything. I’m shocked that he hasn’t mentioned this to me as this is current and is a payment he will receive this month.
I can’t help but feel I’m being lied to, yet he’s doing his best to keep me in this marriage.
I just wanted to know peoples thoughts as I’ve always felt that marriage is an equal team and everything joint yet behind my back he’s still hiding money from me.

He doesn’t know I’ve seen the letter so not sure how to tackle this.

my thoughts are he is stringing you along just long enough to move some money out of your "hands".
once the money (shares, pension, bonus, second account, whatever) is tucked away or spent he will change and you will struggle to get your hands on the funds, thereby leaving you in a poor financial position.

It’s really difficult for me to get my head around because he’s now all sorry and desperate to save marriage etc. loves me more than anything etc etc but I know that within the same week of receiving couples and individual counselling he’s received a sum of money from his shares to a separate bank account (by applying to release them - 4K) I know it’s not a massive sum and he has a lot more but he is still lying to me and I fear this will always continue.

Weve always had a joint account but last year. He stopped his wages being paid into it to ‘protect himself and stop me snooping’.

The whole situation has completely overwhelmed me. Been together 22 years, built a life together etc.

You are trying to make sense if this by organizing the information you have butvrefusing to add the information up correctly. 2+ 2 will always = 4.

He us selfish, and a liar, rude, and verbally abusive, he expresses contempt for you, and is financially controlling. He wants you to stay, he will pay lip service to this, and he wants to continue dominating you and controlling all money and assets. Why is this bewildering? He is a terrible person who wants to control you and who doesn’t respect you. In his eyes whether he lies to you (I love you so much) or abuses you (you are pathetic, you waste my money, you are greedy) these are all fair expedients in his eyes. You don’t matter to him. Only what he wants matters to him.

Stay strong, don’t be fooled, as PP have pointed out he is probably just delaying the divorce to better rip you off.

Hello.. thank you for replying.
It’s been so hard to get my head around. The way he has spoken to me in front of our children and in public, and to our children has been one part of this, then I have spent the last part of 5 years piecing together erratic behaviour with finanaces to then discover the bonuses worth over £24000 in Feb. He would never have told me about them.

As the months have progressed he’s tried to be mr nice guy, saying not addicted to gambling, it’s been an escape from his stressful job etc. He’s desperate for the marriage to work and we’ve sat side by side in a room with a counsellor last week ( me still clear on the route of divorce due to betrayal/ lies etc) Je came away from his session feeling sorry for himself saying how he realised he’d been bad and controlling etc and I should let him try to show how he is as a person. He’s not a bad person etc. just tried to provide a standard of living for me and our children. However, having found a new letter with the share money release on I can’t help but think he is taking the pi** out of me. He must think I’m stupid. I don’t know whether to confront him or inform my solicitor.

People have said to me well now he’s said it’s been gambling etc does it change how I feel etc and can we repair anything but I keep thinking how is this a happy home if he is still hiding assets from me?

Im sure if he truly cared and loved me he would’ve been honest last week after the counselling.

Probably not much consolation, but I separated a while ago (married 25 years)🤔, alcohol and abusive explosive rage. Similar protestations of love, reuniting as a family etc. I have a HA tenancy after two difficult years in unsuitable accommodation, and am incredibly fortunate to have it. But now I'm angry. My health has taken a huge hit. I did everything to raise our children, tiny pension pot when I retire as I had years at home with babies then increasingly low paid part-time work due to his drinking. He lives rent free in a family member's property and will have a v. good pension. He has also hidden away quarter of a million quid inheritance. And hasn't paid a penny maintenance. And seems to have stopped working as no one wants to employ him. I have spent this morning looking at Right Move to see what salary and deposit I would need for a cheap house and a 10 year mortgage if I can manage to work again. This has clarified my thoughts in a way no amount of self-reflection has done!

Ask your solicitor to employ a forensic accountant to investigate what his assets actually are. If he says he doesn't have assets due to gambling ask to see evidence. Some men use gambling as an excuse for money disappearing without trace during the divorce process. He may tell you he took money out to pay non existent gambling debts in order to squirrel it away elsewhere.

SHL (lawyer) was the best advice I was given but I stupidly didn’t take it. I actually believed he would have morals and ethics. Huge huge mistake that I paid a very heavy price for. He is looking after his interests only and has little or no concern for you or the children. Watch for the flying monkeys perpetuating what a good person he is.

Thank you for your replies. I’ve told my husband that I know about the shares being withdrawn. He says nothing to do with me…. Takes them out every year and he thought I knew….. nope. Never discussed. I think considering we are divorcing it would be a top priority to tell me. Monies gone to seperate account I don’t have access to. He says it’s for a holiday!!!
I’m honestly completely overwhelmed having to accept that he’s being two different people. Trying to be the best person and sorry for everything. Says our life will be better together than apart but then angry with me that I’ve confronted him about shares.
I’m sure he thinks I’m stupid. Like the poster above, I too have been the stay at home mum, part time worker on a little wage whilst he’s excelled and been very successful with salary/ pensions and shares.

I don’t know if people actually put up with this? Or if I’m being unreasonable based on it being his actual money that he’s invested but we are married for 13 years (together for 22) so as far as I’m aware everything we have is joint assets. x