The oldest child not wanting to go home seeking advice

[ILikePizza2025]

Hi, so for the second week in a row, my oldest child, who is 6, cried in my arms a few hours before going back to their mom's. Since we moved out at the beginning of May, my oldest has been having some minor panic attacks or has once made an excuse why she couldn't go back to their mom's.

It breaks my heart. I’m unsure how to handle this situation. Should I talk to my ex about my oldest not wanting to go? My child keeps asking to stay with me forever. I keep telling them that their mom loves them, but I'm starting to question if that's the best response. I explain that staying with their mom is temporary and that they are with their mom only until I finish work. I also mentioned that if I were at work, they wouldn’t see me for the entire day. My oldest wants to stay with a relative while I'm at work. I’m not sure how to move forward from here. Ideally, I would love to have my children four days a week.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I don’t really understand how the time is divided up between you and your ex. Can you explain more please.

Can you make a chart with the blocks of time dc is with each of you?
On paper it may make more sense how their life is now scheduled... At 6 it's a lot to take in.

The transitions are very difficult for lots of children. Your eldest may be having the same difficulty switching to your house too.

This could be true; I never considered that before. Usually, they mention not wanting to go home once a week. Then last week almost every other day. This exchange think maybe twice mentioned not wanting to go home. I've noticed a change in their demeanor while in the car.

My oldest they seem to be testing limits with me, but has improved. I’m not sure if my ex experienced the same behavior, but there's been some hitting, throwing, and breaking of items, which has decreased lately. They've been making excuses, claiming they are "too sick to go home." Last week, they cried at the dinner table, expressing their reluctance to return home, and they were crying again yesterday for the same reason few hours before the exchange.

Currently, we have a schedule where we alternate weekends. I have my children from Monday to Wednesday, but there's nothing legally established yet. I'm working on getting a legal custody agreement in place and would like to change the schedule to include every other Saturday. Achieving a balanced schedule is challenging. I want to make sure I have my oldest child on Mondays to help them prepare for the first day of school and have a successful week. I’m trying to avoid my ex having four or more consecutive days with the kids. Unfortunately, I will need to give up Fridays in this arrangement for that to happen.

I understand that I can't control my ex's actions with our children. My ex has moved into the same complex where my family and I live. They mostly stay indoors throughout the day, and even my oldest child has mentioned this. I've also noticed that my oldest says "sorry" quite often for minor things.

Disciplining our children was an issue during our marriage and contributed to our divorce, as we have different parenting styles.

I believe in the importance of discipline and consequences for actions to help children grow.

However, my ex would often yell, swear, and frequently put our child in time-outs or take away activities and toys from my oldest, so that the punishment did not align with what our child did. As a result, my oldest would sometimes say things like "I don't love you" or refuse to apologize out of fear.

When my child would come to me for comfort, it would only make my ex more upset, sometimes leading her to lock herself in the bedroom. I'm unsure if this behavior is still continuing now that I am no longer living with her.

Your child is 6 and this is a recent break up. They probably think by acting this out you will get back together. It's part of your job to give reassurance that you love your child but their mother does too and this is how it's going to be. It's only natural.

the Ultimate aim for many children of divorced parents is to be all together again, they don’t want two homes. Them not wanting to leave you may also be worry about you, what’s going to happen to you when they aren’t there? Will you be ok

id talk to them, reassure them and let them know you’ll be ok.

parenting together when apart can be easier for the children. Rules at different homes may be different but agree with your ex that you both stand by your own rules and don’t interfere or rubbish each other

this children sound unsettled by the separation and they need security from both parents

I probably don't have much ground to go for 70/30. Was debating someone mentioned looking into a therapist for my oldest. Just worried about them. Especially when they said, "I want to stay with you forever."