How to start the conversation

[BendoverK]

Met 2003. Married 2010. Dd will be 16 this year. How do you say.. all the things that need to change without being hurtful.? I'm so overwhelmed and he lives like a bachelor

You say that you don’t feel that your marriage is in a good place, and ask how he feels.
Don’t give him a list of his faults, try to point out areas that need addressing and ask how you can make changes together.
But ultimately if he won’t change and won’t go to counselling, you’re peeing in the wind.

I accidentally left my phone open on mumsnet post, how do you know you are done? Stbeh read it and asked, should I be worried, to which I said, yes WE should be worried, which started the conversation, he now has 6 months to change his tune and mean it or I start divorce proceedings.

Update

I spoke to my husband calmly. I listened and I paused. It was awful to do. I cried. I feel better that I have laid out my feelings and thoughts. Gave ultimatum and we had a better day.

Looks like you've already decided what you're going to do (never mind giving him 6 months) if you're calling him your "soon to be ex".

You are right, however I I want to be sure as we have been together for 30 years and married for 25.
I'm also menopausal so don't want to be my usual hot headed self.
I have mentally checked out and I do feel unhappy in the marriage.
I feel a lot better ow it's all in the open.
I wanted to get all my ducks in a row, but it's put now.