New court order and summer hols

[courtordernewbie]

Hi all,

Under the terms of a fairly new court order, my ex gets the kids - 12 and 6 - for one night EOW (though having problems getting the older one to go). He also gets them for two weeks over the summer holiday, which can be separate or together, provided he gives a month’s notice. He is super disorganised so I never thought he would get round to this but today he wrote to bag two weeks in August a week apart. Obviously this greatly restricts my ability to take them away in August, which - as he well knows - I normally do (for years I took them away on my own with him showing no interest in accompanying us).

My questions:

Does he just get whichever weeks he requests with no discussion if he gets in there first? He has not given any leeway in his email, just demanded those two particular weeks.

He is refusing to tell me where he proposes to take them. This may be because he doesn’t want to disclose there is no plan yet but surely it is reasonable for me to know if they will be mooching around at his home, going to their grandparents or going on holiday abroad? If they could go away with me it will be a bit galling (for me and them) if they have to give that up to do not much?

What happens about access weekends missed when either of us are away with the kids? Do they get made up or you just start again?

I have a “live with” order which entitles me to take them away for (I think) up to 28 days without his permission. So is that a kind of trump card I can play which gives me priority if I want to take them away - so I could say no to his proposed weeks?

Not trying to game the system - just honestly don’t understand how this all works in practice when your ex partner is an uncooperative douchebag.

Thanks so much for any insights or anecdotal experience. It is hard as we both work full time so summer holidays were a headache even without this extra layer of organisational stress. What I would like is to work together -take kids a day here, a day there, according to work needs - but ex has decided on the rigid formalised access route.

Realistically if he has asked for 2 weeks, and you haven’t already got plans, you can’t decline just incase you want to make plans. Kids have 6 weeks off so you still have 4 weeks when you could take them away, and your lives with order doesn’t give you any priority over holidays, it’s not a trump card for access- it just simply means you don’t need his consent for a holiday, not that you get priority of holidays.

Typically any contact missed would be made up if at all possible, so if you took them to Spain for a week over his weekend then he would still be entitled to that time.

It is all a bit rubbish when it becomes tit for tat, for adults as well as for the kids, it just becomes really unnecessarily hard work so I do feel for you.

Yes, it’s true, there are other weeks I can take them away but my work is not always that flexible about when I can take off and, as the primary carer, I also have to look at the whole picture and when my parents can look after them/ when they can attend camps, etc, so I can work. It just seems a bit unfair that when I’m the primary carer all year round, he gets to swoop in and decide the exact weeks that work for him over the summer and I take the leftovers. I suppose I should have swooped in
earlier - was not expecting him to have his act together at all.

If the order says he can take 2 weeks separately then I don’t think that he’s done anything wrong.

If it was hard to book leave then I would have expected you to have booked already tbh

Btw a judge wouldn’t make a 12 year old go to contact if they didn’t want to. It’s deemed as legally old enough for the child to choose (England and Wales) Also a judge would say that chilling at Gran’s is no less important than going abroad. Each parent has a responsibility to allow the kids to see their extended family during their contact time.

Does he know that you’ve prefer him to take the kids here and there? If so, he’s your ex and won’t want to do what you prefer. I think most people would prefer whole weeks rather than a few days here and there as it takes time to get into relaxation mode.

I suppose the counter to that though is if it’s tricky then you’d have already booked your leave considering it’s June, and so it wouldn’t have been an issue? It should work well for you that he’s got in early as you can now make your own plans so I’d focus on that.

Plus, you still have 4 weeks where he only has 2, you’ve got more than just scabby seconds here.

Agree with PP though that your idea of a few days here & there is rubbish for all involved. That’s a couples/family thing, you’re now two separate units and it’s normal to want a chunk of time to holiday/visit family/relax etc.