Update / What to do about the dog?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

Hey all,

I’ve been thinking about doing an update thread for a while (I’m the lady who found about about DH’s affair right before our holiday, and he didn’t know that I knew). There’s not a lot to update you on, other than that we’ve filed for divorce, STBexH is more or less living with the in laws now, and I’ve had a full rollercoaster of emotions.

For about 10 days we talked everything through every night for 2-3h. I got all my questions answered (with a MASSIVE pinch of salt as he’s a proven liar now) and a lot of shouting done, while he expressed regret and humility. Then DH mask started to slip and he started “disagreeing with the narrative” that he’d been emotionally abusive and an arsehole (lol). So I decided the talks were no longer serving me.

ANYWAY. For those who have experienced divorce with kids and a dog: what did you do about the dog?

In an ideal world the kids (19m and 4) and the dog (Labrador, also 4) would be one unit - ie whoever has the kids has the dog at the same time. She’s their big sister and so sweet and caring with them. And we’d both love the kids to grow up with a dog in the house.

However, it’s not always easy getting the dog walked with two young kids in tow (although I did it every day of maternity leave) and it can make days out difficult over the weekend. In the past on weekends, DH would walk the dog while I did breakfast / put the kids to bed, but you can’t do it like that when there’s just one of you!

One alternative is that whoever DOESNT have the kids has the dog. Which would make you feel less lonely without all the kids’ noise in the house. But would make it more difficult to visit friends / make the most of it on those weekends alone too (we’re thinking DH has the kids every other weekend as a minimum for now, but probably a bit more than that - need to discuss with solicitor).

So yeah - for those who’ve done it, what did you do? What was your experience of dog & kid custody in a divorce? Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

I think the dogs need to stay at one house. It’s not fair and long term won’t work.

How amicable/flexible is it?
I'd keep the dog at one house but ask the other person to have them occasionally when needed (want to take the kids somewhere non dog friendly for the day etc)

You’ll have the kids most so you keep the dog. The person who has the kids least pays more for the dog ie. Overnight kennels when they have the kids as then the other parent gets a break

if he’s a twat (and it sounds like he is) I’d just get his share of ‘dog care’ for however long dog lives in the settlement - and then use that money to buy a break from the dog when you want to go away/pay for a dog walker etc

I think for the dog’s sake, she should stay in one environment.

Consistency is just as important for a dog as it is for kids. You are likely to introduce anxiety to your dog as he will not know "why" he is going back and forth, and time is different for pets. What feels like a few days to us, does not to them.

Hire a dog-walker (and this can be simply hiring a pre-teen you trust who would normally not be old enough to get a job).

I would not give the dog to your soon-to-be ex simply because he will have the children less as a man that is both selfish and a liar probably also is not a very responsible person and parent. No doubt he will do a poor job taking care of both the dog and kids if he must do so simultaneously.

Dog stays in one house. Probably with whoever is going to be at home more.

Overnight kennels? How disgusting to suggest that for the poor dog.

We still share the dog after 8/9 years. She went to EXH when the kids did, was no issue. She still now goes eow and she knows when she is going and gets so excited! We also share care when the other wants to go away or on holiday. The dog is very happy!

My kids are older and the dog goes with them . She loves the children and is essentially their furry sister.

I know a family where the dog travelled with the kids. It worked so well that when first dog died unexpectedly, the new dog (bought after the divorce) follows the same regime, and all same very happy. However, crucially, the kids were a lot older, and also there was no affair so not a very acrimonious separation. I appreciate why people are saying keep the dog, but managing being a single parent to such young children and sole care of a dog will be very difficult.

Just remember that the poster's kids are 19 months and 4 years. With a proven liar, and someone that obviously puts his own pleasure over the well-being of his family and children, I would not introduce another living thing into his household that he is responsible to care for and keep alive.

Dog has never been in kennels so I think she’d find it quite distressing to do this. But I’m aware not everyone has the luxury of overnight support from friends and family like I do, so for some people they’re the only option and that’s ok.

We also have a dog and I think if we separated we would have the dog travel with the kids, presuming everything is amicable. They have a lovely bond, I think the dog would sulk with them not around, and it then means whoevers time “off” it is can enjoy that time without having to factor in dog walks etc

This is lovely to hear, thank you so much!

A few people have suggested the dog stays in one place, but she does spend the day with grandparents once a week when they do childcare, and seems happy with that routine, so adding shared care with DH wouldn’t be completely outside the norm for her.

I think she’d miss STBEXH and he’d miss her too. I should add that he’s an excellent parent to both the dog and DCs, and a lot more involved than most dads - he just utterly failed on the “showing the kids how to treat women” part.

Dog goes with kids. They are fine in different locations as long as the people are the same

perfectly possible to walk dogs with kids !

What? What are you on? My much beloved hound (got for DD who promptly went to 6th form college and was gone 10 hrs a day) spent very happy days and occasional overnights with dog minders who just moved into into their own homes.