ex remarrying

[Flowerflower1]

hello all ive a question the ex is re marrying we have a kid together can i set boundaries or get something in writing to say that the new wife cannot do this or that etc with my kid should i get caffcass or a solicitor to get something in place now b4 they marryi just hope that if my kid is not happy in some way that i can stop them from going there or am i just stuck and have to deal with it my kid has not been happy for a while doesnt want to go to the dads and there has been issues with what he has done to our kid he is a narc and controlling as well its been going on for yrs dont feel i have a life or be able to find a partner why do the men always make things so difficult and want to fuck up your life while they get on with theirs the justice system is so messed up to i know a lady that had her child taken away and judge given the dad the child and dad is a pedo

Is he on birth certificate? Do you want to enable him to decide what you can/can't do at home or in any new relationship?

Devils advocate here…. A judge or CAFCASS would never back you up if you start dictating without evidence of wrong-doing. My advice having been in a similar situation would be to build a relationship so that you can all Co-parent and support your child’s best interests. The boundaries you speak of my be valid right now but what in a year, 2 years, 3 years? The courts are huge on parental alienation from both sides and it’s not a cut and shut process either. My ex and I were in court for SEVEN years and the damage to our children will last a life time. Just think long term before you act short term.

No, you can’t make his new wife do, or not do, anything. She is nothing to do with you.

unless your ex or his new partner are considered a danger to your children you can do nothing. Your child is entitled to a relationship with both their parents

If you remarried, would you allow your ex to set boundaries, or put things in writing to say that your husband cannot do this or that with your ex’s kid?

I mean you state that you think your ex is a narc. But want to impose controls on how he lives his life with his wife and child. If he is a narc you are just giving him a new platform and reason to get at you. Thats why the only solution with a narc is grey rock. Dont show them what you want or don’t want - a true narc will use that against you. The only way you can parent with a narc is to parallel parent. otherwise they will counter parent.

However there is a real risk that your response to your ex marrying will be seen as controlling and interfering. Those are narc traits. As is accusing him of having a psychological disorder.

If you present your request and allegations in this way, you will set off red flags about you.

You sound totally unreasonable

unless you’re going to now do massive drip feed you need to support and encourage your children not put your own feelings into them and start making totally unreasonable demands to your ex !

it would actually be nice if your children had a well functioning family that includes his new wife.

On what grounds?

when the child is with your ex then it’s up to them to decide what is in the best interests of the child.

You’ve no evidence that the new wife is any sort of danger - you just sound bitter

@Flowerflower1how old is your child?
Is what you are suggesting in the child’s best interest or does it come from a place of jealousy and bitterness as he is moving on which he is well within his rights to do. Have you moved on? Like others have said you say he is a narcissist but you appear from your post to be showing controlling traits which will not benefit your child. A child has a right to both parents and should be able to be in each parents care without having conditions imposed on them (unless of course there’s a risk of harm to the child)

I mean you can try but it'd be extremely unreasonable and controlling of you to do so and you'd more than likely be unsuccessful. If she is not a danger, which I can assume she isn't as your issue seems to be now they're getting married, he and her can parent in their house as they see fit and no you can't legally stop him having contact. I suggest you reach out to someone professional to help with your unresolved resentment towards your ex and his wife before it emotionally harms your child.

yes is on b cert and no but it feels like i cant do what i want

Why not? You can’t put arbitrary rules in for yourself and expect your ex to do the same. Getting remarried is not a crime.

What kind of ‘rules’ are you wanting to put in?

thank you to all the replies on this i think ill just give up trying to help my child my child does not like the dads wife to be never has done and doesnt want to be with him either my child is telling me all her feelings so im just re acting to it and also i am not bothered in anyway shape or form that he is re marrying he can crack on i left for good reasons and glad i did i was only trying to see if i could protect my child in anyway from all that has happened there is so much more to this i never wanted this to come across as me wanting control i dont care what him and wife to be does etc i just want my child happy and my child isnt

Protect your child from what? If you had a new partner, your ex couldn't interfere in any way. Surely you can see that you're being very unreasonable?

Is your ex’s partner actually doing anything to your child, deliberately upsetting or hurting them? Or do they just not like her?

Your child is most likely reacting to your geo ha about her dad
what are you doing to encourage it?
how old is she and how come she doesn’t like dad or is soon to be wife? What is happening that would make her feel that way ?

Your child has two parents, so of course you can't just do what you want. Divorce doesn't change that fact. I am somewhat concerned that what seems to be controlling narcisstic behaviour from you is influencing your childs view of their father negatively. Regardless of what went on between you as adults, your child benefits from a strong and loving relationship with both parents, and that is what you should be encouraging wherever possible.

Your post comes across as v controlling.

How would you feel if you were ‘set boundaries’ he put something in writing to you - dictating what you could / couldn’t do. Would you think he was being controlling / unreasonable?

How would you feel if you were the non resident parent and contact was stopped?

Read up on ‘loyalty bind’ - does your child not want to go to please you? Because it sounds like it. Parental alienation is real - don’t be that parent.