How to co parent young adults, do you need to?

[Bridgewhat24]

Separated suddenly last April 2024. Last straw kind of reactive separation. Then trial separation but now mid divorce. Quite amicable just awaiting consent order final draft.
2 x older teens and dog.
He living in his house, dc and me in ours. DC with me 100% time. Never agreed just assumed by him. His house is 2 bed so not enough rooms for older girl and boy.
he sees them sporadically once a week/2weeks for watching footy in pub, cafe.
Every time we have met to discuss kids I instigated it.
it’s like he has completely abandoned all parenting!

I know he won’t need to even pay CMS after Sept, but legally notwithstanding,what realistically could I ask him to coparent with? What do others do at this stage?

They might be (nearly) 18 but they aren’t fully independent! They need help and guidance and it is all from me at the moment.

Do I leave it all between DC and him? Do I let him know when there are issues or worries? One DC has additional needs.

Had perhaps naively thought we’d still be both part of any parental decisions/help etc.

Unless your kids are in pre uni education, then the payments stop at 18.
Then they're expected to get a job and be financially independent which is a bit laughable but they COULD be working and paying towards your bills then, if you agree to house them for free then that's your choice sadly.
Other things - you'll just have to let their dad show his true colours

Yes you still need to parent them. Since when did divorce mean stopping looking after your teenagers?

he sounds like an A-hole and it would not surprise me if he’s met someone and wants to have fun instead of his responsibilities

you can’t make him see them. A court will not force a parent to have a relationship with their child, just to pay his way and obviously he’s already doing that.

he should be handing in money if they’re living with you even after he doesn’t legally have to but you can’t make him.

all you can do is tell him his kids need him. I would advise not being rude about him (however tempting it is) to their faces.

One has additional needs, this may stop them from getting a job. OP doesn’t mention money struggles, I think she just wants her kids to have a relationship with their father

Thanks all. Money would be useful but I really want some parenting support.
Just to discuss things with someone who care about them as much as I do. He used to.
it’s like he has suddenly forgotten what parenting they need

I think you kind of leave them to it and to figure out their relationship. It’s likely to change from being father /child to more of a friends type relationship - ie might want to go round to watch football and have a pizza etc ( which happens even with parents still together )

I don’t think you need to get too involved. They’ll figure it out

If they are at college etc CB and maintenance stop the September after they finish.

Lots of men only tolerate children whilst married because they want access to you, once that's gone then they could care less about carrying on with parenting, some of them even deliberately parent in an opposite or conflicting way to punish the ex wife.

They don't live with him anymore, to him it's not his problem.

Christ what is with unhelpful comments like this.

@TomatoSandwiches some ex wives do that too.

My ds is the same age. He's seen his dad three times in twelve months. As soon as I stopped trying to organise a relationship between them, he stopped totally.

Whereas two of my male friends are still very much actively involved with their dcs.

It is not a question of co parenting, it is whether or not they want a relationship with their dcs.

You say things are amicable. Would he be open to a conversation about this. It sounds like the sort of thing that you shouldn’t need to point out, but maybe you do. Have a think first about what the DC actually need from him, then talk it through with him. You are all adjusting to a new situation. Hopefully in time it’ll work well for all of you.

My experience is exH just wants the fun bits of parenting not the rest. Same the dc just go for a meal and movie. He’s like a godparent or favourite uncle not a parent. I don’t think there’s anything you can do. I just massively overcompensate.

CM ends when they leave fulltime non advanced (ie below uni) education or age 20.

It’s reasonable to ask for help towards uni costs but there’s no legal entitlement if thats not something you’ve negotiated. Uni funding will be based on your finances alone. It may be easier to suggest he gives some maintenance / pocket money direct to dc. Or guarantees rent contracts. ExH gave nothing not even a grocery shop while dc were at uni. Also splitting the uni drop off/pick ups. Of course a decent parent would do these things without needing to be asked.

Other family or school staff / extra curricular staff can be useful role models.

My DS has EHCP and still in education post 18 so get CM and CB until 20. There are lots of life skills type courses for 19-25 with additional needs and that might include mentoring / buddying. DS also has a social worker due to disability and we get direct payments for supported activities.

I don't think it is, the poster is pointing out that a lot of men are shit and see kids as by products of their relationship with a woman.
Society accepts this and applauds men doing less than the bare minimum as 'amazing'. It's sickening.

I have the same issue. Have been a lone parent for ages and doing 99% of parenting but my dd’s father at least showed some interest and we did talk about issues etc. as soon as she turned 18, it’s as though he thinks he doesn’t need to provide any input. Reality is that dd is doing a long uni course, and she is ND with some MH issues and still needs a lot of support.

Thanks for all your comments.
It’s like some of you said - he is happy for a relationship of sorts with the DC but this is far more like an uncle. He seems to genuinely not get that they might need more. He’s always been head in the clouds but would previously have asked if unsure now he just leaves it.

He’s (hopefully) recovering from addiction and is very in his own bubble.
I’ve tried talking to him about it I.e. how are things going with you and dc? Do you feel connected enough to them/their lives?

He said no but doesn’t know what to do! I suggested (again) inviting them for tea one regular evening to connect, he agreed but nothing happens. So frustrating.

I don’t know whether to ask him to discuss the worries/plans for kids or just accept he doesn’t ask and that it’s all me now?

Have suggested couples therapy to help us communicate and co parent so we’ll see.

He just doesn’t communicate, one of our issues.

DS is hoping to go to uni in Sept but I have no idea how he will manage. Not realistically thinking he’ll stay 3 years but really want him to try his independence. He’ll be 20 going.

So many life skills he and they both need, but other dc is more able and intuitive. DS is very vulnerable. I worry a lot and feel it’s so unfair he seems to have just ‘switched off’ parenting.

Talking to friends I wonder if it’s because they were older teens when we separated? So never needed a custody type arrangement

I assume its the one with additional needs going to uni? Do they get PIP? Had Care Act assessment? You can look to buy in some support (could even be a student you pay as a 'buddy') if you think the Uni support won't be enough.

My dc were younger teens when we separated and ex checked out of all parenting. yes just assume its all on you - its his loss if he loses connection with them. Ex does wheel dc out at family events on his side and play the involved Dad role then which is annoying.

Yes he gets PIP for now.
Thanks, I know it’s his loss just hard when it’s all on you with no one to discuss with etc. I know so many people have this for many reasons, it’s just not what I thought it would be like, even in divorce.
Makes it hard to do nice things with them as I’m always tired from the mental load.
Anyway, just need to woman up!