Deciding childcare when ex travels for work

[loulou1979]

Hi, my ex wants our kids (age 15 and 13) to love with him 50% of time. We’ll be going to mediation to discuss this and finances and it’s a non amicable divorce. He’s blatantly doing this to avoid paying CM. He works away a lot and also expects me to change the childcare agreement to flex around his work to suit him. I also work full time and need a consistent childcare arrangement. Will a mediator or court expect me to flex the arrangement to suit his travel? Can I insist on set days ? What happens when he can’t do that?

Firstly, what do the DC want to do? They’re old enough to be saying what they want.

No, that’s not how it works. 50% means on his days he is responsible for arranging his own childcare, that is not you. You aren’t the childcare yo allow him to work. If he can’t commit to looking after them properly he can pay maintenance

At 13 and 15, what the kids want goes. No judge would or could make them stay with a parent that they didn’t want to stay with.

Yanbu to think that he’s taking the piss. Imagine if you told him to flex his work round yours?

Ignoring the issue of the kids ages but I would start with every other weekend as the starting point for contact as they are at school during the week and they have the right to equal chill time with each parent and the chance to see that parent’s side of the family.

Are his travel days fixed? My ex travelled regularly but the days were fixed so he could commit to fixed days and my kids like predictability so they can fit in friends too. How much notice does he get of travel ? Does he have family who would take the kids overnight if it’s his day?

Remind him that there are 13 weeks of school holidays and his days run from 8am. If school calls because a child needs collecting then he must collect on his days and if it’s an inset day then he needs to make sure that he has food etc in so that the kids are comfortable during the day. He is responsible for drop offs and pick ups to and from school and topping up their lunches and travel passes on his week. He buys things like food tech ingredients if that day is his day and does pick up and drop off to extra curriculars on his day. He needs to buy uniform for his house and basically actually do 50% of the parenting from now. He needs to ask school for app logins etc as you are no longer his wife and responsible for reminding him about Parents Evening etc

No court will force you into a flexible/undefined childcare arrangement.

And, it won’t work for the kids who need consistency. If he wants to have kids 50% - and you both work, then the most usual arrangement is week on/week off.

Given the age of the children - their preferences will be taken into account - what would they want? Will the both of you have your houses set up with rooms for both kids?

What do you children want?

What do the kids want? At that age, being able to see friends/have some freedom and independence is vital. Are they going to be able to do that?

His time his problem.. . Doesn't matter what the scenario is.
I know someone people who have shift work can get splits where they provide reasonable notice to the other parent on shift so the schedule is dictated by that. But mostly it's just his problem to solve if he needs to travel during his time

Well courts can, and do, order flexible arrangements and expect a level
of uncertainty around, irregular shift patterns ( as an example)

why do you think he’s only doing it for cms reasons? Are you wanting more do you get cms?

that aside it should come down to what your children want.

theyre at ages they don’t need babysitting and childcare so whats stopping 50:50 and you having them
if he’s away ? Can they get themselves to/from school? Or is that the issue re your work and logistics ? Do you live close ? How often is he away? Do you work 9/5 type work or are your patterns also irregular.

ultimately however, it will come down to what your children want and a court id most likely going to expect you to sort it out between you tbh

The kids don't want to spend 50% of their time with him but they are scared to say that to a mediator. My daughter feels guilty because when we found out about his affair he said to her “remember your behaviour last year? Well i forgave you for that and i hope you can forgive me for this” (she went off the rails last year). Total manipulation but it worked on her. He is a very angry man, he had an affair but he acts like a victim and guilt trips the kids when they say they dont want to see him. Id be happy to explain to a mediator what the kids want and need but my ex will definitely just accuse me of “restricting his access” to them

his travel days are mostly unfixed, he has sometimes got influence about when they happen, but not always. He’s already said to me that we will need to be flexible to work around it and in return he’ll work around my travel…but I don’t travel 🤣!!

The kids need consistency, both have additional needs and daughter has panic attacks. This is why I think he’s doing it to avoid cms - he has no intention of getting them to school or college, my daughter would need to get 2 buses

If you have the children 50/50 then he needs to source a nanny for his time with the children if he is away for work - which rather defeats the 50/50 or not paying you maintenance

but it’s not like you are asking him to flex his work around your full time work 🤷‍♀️🙄

he has a choice to make, the children live with you and see him eow

or you have 50/50 and he sorts childcare/nanny for his time away / which is going to be more expensive than child maintenance- as he will have to pay for over night rates and breakfast - after school but also find someone that wants 50% of the time off work

He may well be asking for 50/50 to avoid CM, but he could claim that you want them more so that YOU can claim CM. Your DC need to have their feelings made clear to court about who they want to spend time with and how much time. They’re telling you that they don’t want to spend time with him - they could well be telling him something different.
In an ideal world, they should, at their ages, be able to see each parent when they like. Their choice. They’re both under enormous pressure here - are they having counselling or support at school? IME, children are very conflicted when divorce is acrimonious as they have a loyalty to both parents.

I think he’s in for a shock! Serves him right!

You don’t have to have mediation with him sitting in the same room. In Australia, it’s called shuttle mediation and husband and wife are in different rooms and the mediator shuttles between them.

If your daughters have special needs, get paperwork supporting their diagnoses, their need for a regular routine and perhaps find a counsellor to have a word with them over a few weeks so they become comfortable and confident enough to say what they would prefer. And get a report from that.

It’s like preparing for battle. What do you need (go through your diary for this for all the children’s appointments and activities), what do you want, what is your non negotiable. Write it all down, clarify your reasons for each point and get supporting documentation. Specify all the minutiae. This is what I do in this situation - how does he propose to manage it. But you must be reasonable in your plans, or at least appear to be.

Do you need the CM? I could manage without with my earnings + benefits for dc with additional needs (which I did not share with ex - although he never asked). The CM wasn’t much anyway. I chose not to claim CM to avoid ex having dc just for financial reasons. I would have been happy for him to have dc more for the right reasons but I never wanted them to feel their dad didn’t really want them staying (which did still happen when they did occasionally stay with him he’d lose patience within a day)

i got some help from disabled team social worker to support my work / get a break. Anything ex did was a bonus not something I relied on. He didn’t even let me have one week holiday most years it was just odd days here and there but it was more important to me the dc felt wanted at home.

Its only mediation so you don’t have to agree to anything that doesn’t equally share childcare costs / allow you both the same opportunity to work.

Firstly I’m not here to suggest 50:50 is right or that I’m supporting your ex, we don’t know the intricacies of your life.

however, currently based on what you say he’s not being overly unreasonable.

having an affair is shit. But being a husband and a father are different, you may rightly not like him as a result but it’s still possible ( and usually positive ) for children to still spend loads of time with their dad. It’s possible to be a shit husband ( or wife) and a good dad /mum ( I know on here people often disagree this)

re getting the bus. On face value that’s not unreasonable. Many teens do this everyday. You mention additional needs and panic attacks. What support do they get ? What do they need? Does he agree /disagree ? Is it formal diagnosis? Is it documented ?

having some flexibility re travel is in itself not unreasonable.

what are the reasons they don’t want more time with him? Eg they can’t see friends, or fo sports or he had a temper or whatever ? Are they reasonable reasons ? Or is it they ( perhaps subconsciously) think they’d be betraying you ? If the former , it needs documenting and outlining.

Ultimately you can try to work with him to co
e up with a proposal you can all agree, or he can try to drag you through court ( if he pursues it - although I don’t think he’d get far)

what can you accommodate reasonably?

He pays for the overnight childcare when he's away. That'll knock the idea on its head.

I'd flatly refuse to be flexible about timings and say he needs to organize everything on his time. If DD can't handle the two buses she needs to say so. It's not against her father. He'll just need to organize how she gets to school.

If he doesn't, YOU never step in. Leave him until he gives up on the whole thing or decides he's going to parent either is a win/win I think.

The reason they don’t want to spend 50% of their time with him is due to his temper and narcissistic behaviour. He’s unable to meet their emotional needs

Younger child is starting counselling this week and we’re still waiting on counselling for the older child

Ok then this isn’t actually about holiday cover or your ex travelling

it’s about the childrens relationship due to their dad’s behaviour. So you need to focus arguments based on how he’s not supporting them and it’s not in their best interests as a result.

if you focus on ex travels and you not covering you’ll appear the unreasonable one.