Husbands double life

[ijustdontknowanymore80]

I recently found out through the discovery of an online album that my husbands been having an affair for nearly a year. The online album was a full nude sexy photoshoot of them together (weird I know), a quick search of his email found more naked posed photos of her from last year with the message “thank you”- he is - 44 year old father of 3. I threw him out and then find out that she was also married with a child. Further investigating I find out that she does not have primary care of her own child, has mental health issues and my husband had taken my youngest son on play dates with hers nearly 6 months ago. The past year he’s been telling me that I need to work on myself, didn’t buy any Christmas presents for the kids and has screamed at me in front of them and made me cry too many times. I’m just reeling from the deception and I don’t know how I can ever talk to the person I’ve been with for 16 years ever again. Any tips on how to make it easier for the kids? My main priority. And how am I going to deal with him? All he says is that he’s “sorry I found out this way”

Has he moved out ? That is number 1 on the list.

Protecting you and the kids means him moving out of the home. Today. Then get thee to a lawyer.

I found out when he was out of the house so packed his bags. He’s living at his parents and her place I guess. She’s separated from her partner. It only happened two weeks ago and haven’t told the kids yet but they’re with him for the weekend (I couldn’t withhold access). He travels a lot for work so am using that as an excuse right now

I’m just really horrified at the manipulation that he has orchestrated this year. He made me refinance the house in January to do some renovation. And was then encouraging us to rent it out and move elsewhere as it’s too small for the three kids. I think his plan was for us to be out of the house and for him then to spring it on me. I didn’t want to refinance and was pushing to sell and buy something larger- why would he put more debt into our relationship and he’s always been financially abusive

Don't be surprised by anything he does or says. He's had this frame of mind for a while and you are just on catch up. They do and say many things and lie to justify what they are doing.

It depends on the age of the kids what to tell them. Agree a routine so they know exactly when they will see him and him sticking to it is the most important thing, so there is some certainty in the storm.

Prepare yourself for getting all the anger and upset from the dc flung in your direction. if he's the one leaving they wont rock the boat with him as will be terrified of losing their Dad. You are their rock and safe space and will get all the emotional outbursts. Its not fair and you just have to keep reminding yourself its because they trust their relationship with you.

Find an outlet - friend / family who can support you away from the dc.

Go on gov uk website about separation and moneysavingexpert / benefits calculator if relevant and work through your finances systematically so you are on solid ground for the short-term. You can then gather evidence and get advice about the longer term but need a plan for immediate bills and protecting yourself from debts he may run up.

I use the CMS for child maintenance as I just prefer a third party deal with ex and collect his financial info

Its easier for you to minimise contact. Maybe use a parenting app. Its difficult if there is constant back and forth contact you do need space to just absorb and think. Block him on social media etc remove any ability to track what he is up to - you will be tempted to but its better not to know.

Book a nice holiday / something to look forward to.

I found redecorating really therapeutic - ex was controlling and i erased his influence from the house.

You may need STI check. Think about counselling / therapy for you & / or kids.

Tell school so they can keep an eye on your dc and cut them some slack if they behaviour is out of character.

Be careful not to tie yourself into childcare arrangements which prevent you earning or put all the costs on you. Taking on weekdays puts all the costs on you and also limits your earning money so its a double blow - while he earns fulltime and does some weekends.

Do not underestimate the ability of a selfish man to walk away from his kids and responsibilities. This is often the most shocking thing, but it happens all the time, even with previously hands-on Dads.

What a bastard

Get some therapy to deal with the relationship ending. Don't expect any answers or accountability or healing from him. Don't give him the attention he'll be craving. Cry away from him.

With the kids, treat him like a colleague you dispose. Remain professional. Assume a judge will read all correspondence. Do everything by email. Set up and email just for him or have kids in the subject line of every email about them so you can easily find it in court. Start and screen shot any WhatsApp that is potential evidence in court.