Custody issues

[Jollsjolly]

Hey! I would love a bit of insight/guidance as I don’t really know how to navigate this.

Me and my son’s dad separated when my boy was 2, he’s now nearly 12. We have fairly successfully co-parented for the last 10 years, with 50/50 custody. Something I was always happy to happen!
As our son is approaching secondary school, last year I approached his dad and offered that he can stay at a school that is halfway for both of us. He lives in Nottingham and live further north in Mansfield. His dad refused and said he should be somewhere more stable. I agreed, but wanted to afford him to choice. His dad said he should stay with me more moving forward in Sept.
I asked what this would look like custody wise in recent weeks. He said he would have him every other weekend - I felt like this was a big jump and suggested we could maybe consider in the first weeks he pick his son up once in the school week from his new school so our son has some normality and it’s a not a huge jump - as he’s going to a school where he doesn’t know anyone.

His dad refused to engage with me for weeks when I asked for clarification. I eventually got a long message which essentially said no. And he wanted our son to get the bus by himself to his house on the Friday of his weekend - 1.5/2 hr bus rides. Again, not against this in the future, but our son has never got public transport by himself and i said it’s something to build up to.

He also stated he will not have his son in the school holidays like our normal arrangement which has always been half e.g. I have son a week he has him the other. He now wants to change it to once a fortnight for the weekend. He also wants this to start this summer. Despite my pleas for a conversation he is adamant this is happening, I have tried to ask why, as it’s his chance to see his son and no different from what we have been doing. I even said he wouldn’t need to pay any CM during that time.

He has laid all these out and refuses to engage with me. I have been non-confrontational and calm. But I don’t know what to do. This is going to impact his son massively and leaves me with no choice as he refuses to speak to me to have a discussion about it. My son has already been so upset, and said it felt like he was going to be abandoning his dad.

His dad recently told my partner who tried to speak to him that he’s trying to get a pay rise at work and he hasn’t been able to because he’s had to pick his son up half the time .

His dad has offered £200 per month in CM which I don’t know if this is fair or not, he won’t tell me his earnings obviously. But expects this to be the same during school holidays which is a lot more expense?

He has refused mediation request and refused to speak to me and my partner.

what are my options? Sorry for the long thread!

any advice would be great

Any reason why you don't go through CMS?
You can't make the man parent, but it can be up to your son if he visits him.

I will definitely consider it. I know he works self employed as well sometimes.

Our son will definitely want to see him, he’s got a good relationship with him, and I would encourage him to see him.

What do you mean by stay at a school
halfway? Your done needs a school close to where he lives, ideally walking distance. As he gets into teen years it important ( imo) that they are close to friends and school, not large commutes away and friends that live miles away.

your son is growing, he’ll want increasing independence and flexibility, most likely wanting to reduce tine he spends with both parents and more time with friends and social stuff and sport etc.

it sounds like he needs to live with you and visit his dad when he wants, ( if logistics possible ) not be forced into inflexible schedules

and claim
cms, but if self employed could be tricky

I mean I offered his dad the chance if he wanted his son to be at a school that’s in the middle. But we’ve agreed that’s not best and be at a school near one of us. Yeah agree with you he needs to be near friends etc.

I’m sorry be so blunt, but your ex doesn’t want to parent his son 50:50 anymore. He is finding it takes up too much of his time , it’s an inconvenience.

If the child was younger, I’d guess he doesn’t want to pay for childcare on his days. But as the boy is high school age, my guess is that the father wants to move in with a partner and she doesn’t want someone else’s teenager half time.

Im afraid there is nothing else you can do but accept it - you can’t make him care for his child. Don’t waste your breath trying to argue/ negotiate / persuade/ bribe him.

So my advice is

1. arrange a high school that is the best one for your son NOT your ex
2. apply for CMS for child maintenance
3. help your son deal with the pain and rejection. As dad moves in with a new partner, he will hopefully see it’s about his dad’s poor choices and not that he’s a bad son. It’s likely that in time, your son will be happier living in one home with weekend visits to his dads. It’s hard for teens to live in 2 places, they want to be doing sport, out wuth their mates etc at weekends.

I agree with another poster, your ex doesn't want 50/50 split any longer. My guess is that he probably has a partner or is moving in with a partner, and having his son 50/50 is no longer convenient to him. You can't force your ex to have your son, any longer than he's prepared to do so. All you can do is prepare your son for the new contact level, facilitate contact with his Dad, support your son through his disappointment/anger etc and claim child support through the proper channels because you will be having the majority of the care. Let the school know that contact will be changing in the summer, because it's likely they may see some changes in your son's behaviour etc.

Sounds like 50/50 is impacting on your ex work and work prospects hence why he wants to reduce time with him. The cost of the CMS he has offered suggests the promotion and pay rise is significant enough to him that he’s willing to sacrifice time with his child

go through CMS and agree to the EOW - you get more time with your son - would be a win/win for me

He doesn’t want to do it, you’ve given every opportunity for him to continue 50:50 and he doesn’t want to so drop it.

your son goes to your local school and you inform your ex and CMS that he will now be doing every other weekend (in writing) as he has requested.

move on and don’t let him go back on it at a later date. He’s shown how much he loves and respects your son

Unfortunately your ex no longer wants 50/50 by the sounds of it and there isn't really much you can do. You can't force you ex to take your son. Custody arrangements really only means making your child available to the other parents, not that the other parent has to take them when they are available.
Don't waste your time arguing with your ex over it and focus on sorting your DS out.

School allocation should be based off your DS primary address and I would say that is you in the case. So I don't see how you would be able to choose a school half way?

Allow your son the option to get the bus to his dad's (do it with him a few times before hand) but ultimately if he doesn't want to and his dad will not pick him up, I don't think its your responsibility to take him.

Apply through CMS

Does anyone know if I apply to Cms if you apply now - as this will start in Sept or do I wait until Sept to apply??

Wait until your son is in your main care then apply. What a crap dad :(

It’s disappointing!
it’s a win/win for me but not for my son who has been living with his dad half the time with his family there - has a little sister and stepbrother there.
hoping we can navigate this change in a positive way

He doesn't want 50:50. You cantforce him to have conta t with your sin. However, £200 PCM is a joke. That wouldn't keep my kids in fruit. Go directly through CM.

What's your relationship like with the step mum? I wonder if she doesn't want to take in childcare responsibilities for your son.

She hasn’t ever spoken to me in 9 years. Never picked my son up from school, nor been to a football game. Never comes to doorstep when I pick up. Apparently she said that she will parent her own child from other marriage and my ex will parent our soon. Which I hate and find very damaging. No major arguments. She just doesn’t want to get involved apparently.
I do think she has a very large role in this but I don’t know her at all. Despite it being 9 years she’s been in the picture .

OP - I know it’s annoying, but it will be OK with time.
Your son is off to secondary school and a lot will be changing in his life. He’ll be making new friends and growing up quickly. It is a good thing he’ll be at a school nearer to his home.

50/50 and changing houses weekly is disruptive, and teenagers don't necessarily like it - especially if the houses are far apart from their social life.

You can help your son with the transition - make it more about the big school and the school work, etc. And - if you can - drive him to drop offs if his dad is being difficult.

And, since the arrangements are changing in the summer already - calculate the %of days in the year your child is with you and file for CMS

I think I just find it a huge injustice that he can demand whatever terms and agreement. And simply says ‘that’s what he’s paying me for’. I don’t get any say in any part of it as he laying down the rules. It’s challenging as we’ve always shared custody.
i can’t wait to have my son more but logistically there’s things we need to sort out but he won’t talk to me.

Just go directly through CM. Unfortunately, if he does self employed work he'll be able to hid money but if he's employed he'll have to pay on those earning. Although, he could reduce his liability by increasing his pension contributions.

I hope he is going to be the one to explain the change and reasons behind it to your son.

If we fucked off , decided to see our kids 4 days a month and send £200 we would be considered neglectful, unloving, disgraceful. When a man does it... Well he has to work and he's entitled to free time. He's a deadbeat waste of space as is anyone who chooses to do this.

Exactly - it’s such a sad situation

Go online and calculate what they money would be now and what it will be in September. If these figures are more than 25% different, you apply now.

Just apply to CMS now, giving details of the existing living situation, number of days etc . Set up your case online. You will get an award letter in about 6-8 weeks ( hopefully ) saying how much your ex has to pay for his son.

Then as soon as things change, you go online and raise what’s called a variation , and they will recalculate with the new figure.

HOWEVER if there’s less than 25% difference ( or if it’s very close ), just apply in September.

OR of course , if you are now getting MORE for your child now ( under your existing family based arrangement ), don’t apply to CMS right now and try to negotiate with your ex.

Remember the CMS figure is the bare legal minimum , decent dads want to do more for their kids than the absolute minimum.

Ah okay currently he doesn’t pay me anything because we share custody.
in fact I give him half the child benefit every month.
also do the CMS factor in child benefit? As he said that I wont be giving him half anymore and insinuates that he’s basically giving me £250 a month because I get to keep all the child benefit once we start.

Have you worked out how much he will have to pay your from September?

No CMS don’t take account of the CB, you need to keep it all as you will be the main carer. They take account of

1. his income ( inc pension and benefits )
2. the number of NIGHTS he has the child ( less that 52 nights makes no difference, which is what every other weekend will be , so make sure you agree 50 nights and not 54 or 56 nights a year . Remember your son will cancel some weekends because he has things on, your ex will cancel if he’s on holiday or if your son is sick )
3. the number of other children that live with him ( even if he doesn’t support them, which is very unfair IMO )

If you know these figures, you can go online and do your own calculations.

How does your ex reckon he is “ Giving you £250 / month” because you get to keep the child benefit of £113 / month ?

If you are giving him half of that now, he is “ losing “ £56 a month after September. But he’s saving hundreds by not having to feed / clothe / pay for his child when he’s at his house , he’s going from 14 days a month to 4 days a month.

That’s why he will have to pay maintenance , because YOU will be bearing nearly all the costs of raising your son. Teens are not cheap. I have two teen boys and they costs A FORTUNE in food alone .