So scared of living alone

[Bagellicious]

Recently separated from DH but still living in the same house. I have found a house to buy and he says he is going to buy me out: it is an amicable split but I am very, very sad about it. I didn't want it to happen. We don't have a mortgage so I'll be a cash buyer. Person I'm buying from has no chain. So this means that the whole process is going to be quick and the estate agent said it could take about 12 weeks when I was expecting it to take about 6 months.

So suddenly this all feels really fast and I'm so freaked out. I have never lived on my own before. The things I am scared about are:

1. Loneliness
   I'm not so worried about the day to day loneliness - I work with lots of people and have a strong social network. It's those times when the house seems quiet, weekends when everyone is with their partners, evenings. I don't know how to cope without someone to shoot the breeze with - how was your day, did you sleep well, what do you fancy for lunch etc. It's the general silence around me that I fear. At the moment my Dh is away, as are my my adult kids. It's great for a night or two but after three nights I can feel the isolation creeping in. I have two aging cats and an unwell dog so they will keep me company in the short term. When my dog dies I don't know if I will get a new one or not. I love having a dog but I'm also mindful of the tie that they can be and living alone means I'd have to have some support to manage a dog when I am working / on holiday / going out for a long time. I can't rely on the kindness of friends all the time.

2. Fear of illness / injury
   My mum lived alone and whilst she was on holiday with family she had a brain haemorrhage. Had that happened at home she would have died. I'm terrified that I'm going to have a stroke and be found weeks later dead. How do you summon help when you are alone? I know this sounds extreme and a bit ridiculous but I'm terrified of suffering an injury or illness when I am on my own. I'm too young to be wearing one of those assistance devices so what would I do to get help if I was incapacitated and couldn't reach my phone.

Similarly I am scared of coping with any long term illness alone. I've done it before with DH by my side and it was hard then - I don't know how I'd do it alone if I had to. I know that I would but those sleepless nights filled full of fear were somehow less awful with him next to me. Of course I don't know that these things will happen but for some reason my evil mind is focusing on it.

3. Security There have been a lot of burglaries in the near area. I know I can do practical things like have cameras, an alarm etc. I am scared of a burglar being in my home alone. I don't want it to look like I live alone so I've even gone down a rabbit hole of considering buying another car to park in the driveway (it has space for two cars) to make it look like there's more than just me there). I know how ridiculous this sounds.

Those are my main fears. Any advice as to how to conquer them please?

The simple answer is MN. Come on here and chat to everyone. People will always be here for you.

You are never too young to have an assistance device if you live alone.
Have an alarm system installed.
Join a gym and go regularly to an evening class and you will soon make friends.
Join local groups too - whatever interests you.
You have adult children so surely they will be checking up on you even if it’s by WhatsApp App?
I’m afraid this is a situation that many women have to face - usually they are widowed. Who knows? In the end you might find you enjoy the freedom living alone can bring. If not, fill your evenings with activities and hobbies.

Firstly have you seen a solicitor and are you getting the best financial deal? This is really important because having healthy finances gives you far more options in life.

Your finances are currently joint so how is he announcing from on high he can buy you out?? I understand you don’t want a divorce, but it’s happening so get every penny you can, If you haven’t engaged with this, engage now and press pause on any financial agreement or house sale till you do. It does sound like he is calling the shots and taking advantage of you being frozen, don’t let this happen.

As to the rest of it - there will be an adjustment period. You may end up enjoying living alone or it may not be your preference. There are plenty of ways to cope including expanding your social circle (plenty of people are around at the weekends and it’s easy to find things to do in the evenings). But if you want to be in a relationship, then you get out there and get on, that’ll keep you busy in the evenings for sure.

If you are going to work every day then worrying about lying dead for weeks and being eaten by cats does seem premature. People are going to notice pretty fast. However if you want to join a response service then do. Why not?

Re crime - I would really strike this from your mind. Burglaries are opportunistic - they happen when people are out. No one is going to come and nick your jewellery when you are in. It’s not a personal safety issue. Get locks and cameras if you are worried about property safety when you’re out.

Other than sorting your finances, I would focus hard on taking good care of yourself, it’s the best way to make the transition.

I recommend starting to make and nurture friendships with other single people. The majority of my friends live alone and we all have good social lives. We also support each other when ill.

Re. having a medical incident or accident, it's never actually crossed my mind but maybe keep your phone on you? You say your ex and children are away at the moment, are you worried now? Something could just as easily happen whilst a spouse is out.

Re. the quietness, I like it but I know some of my friends keep their TVs on in the background as they don't.

I never wanted to live alone but I honestly love it and wouldn't change it. Best of luck.

@bchaslsbfhe123 true but it can be quite full on here at times. Friends are generally less abrupt than some posters on MN. I think you to be feeling robust to post here sometimes.

@Rocknrollstar thank you - yes I think this is all good advice and is the stuff that I know deep down. I think it's more the fear of the whole thing rather than the actual thing is causing me to worry.

@theunbreakablecleopatrajones yes I'm engaging a solicitor and am confident that that will all be taken care of properly.

@orangewasp I don't really have any single friends at the moment - I seem to be blazing a trail on the divorce front with my mates! But I understand your point and will see how I can address that. No I'm not worried now really but a few minutes ago I was standing on something to reach up high and I had a moment of panic as I came down. I think it's because I'm stressed in general that these things that otherwise wouldn't worry me are sitting at the forefront of my mind (just in case it hasn't got enough on its plate 😅).

It sounds like you might benefit from some counselling or therapy to help you process all the changes and get things into perspective. Is that something you've considered?
Also, feel free to take or leave this advice, I know the idea of homeopathy isn't for everyone, but there is a homeopathic remedy called Argent Nit which is for when you are experiencing anticipatory fear or anxiety, which seems to fit your situation. Maybe look it up and see if you agree. Just a couple of doses has helped me enormously in the past. You can buy on Amazon.

Have you considered having a lodger? When I was terminably single I always had someone sharing the house, not just for the money but for the company. Take your time to interview to find the right person and have a 1 or 2 month long trial period to see if it's for you.

This is a really valid concern OP. I'm thinking more the loneliness than safety, though that too I suppose.

I second the idea of a lodger.

Do think of ways to avoid loneliness, it's a killer (talking from experience)

Having lived on my own before (in my 20's) I was slightly prepared when ExH left but it is daunting. All the things on your list were things I was worried about. But you get used to it. I learned to love it. My partner of 4 years had just moved in and it is an adjustment again. Living alone is very relaxing.

@Bagellicious I was in the same position, and recommend joining lots of groups and never saying no to an invitation! It may take a while I'm sure you'll adjust and make a good life for yourself.

@BagelliciousI could have written your post Op as that’s exactly how I feel. We are divorcing in our 60s as he’s met someone else and trying to be amicable. I’m retired and have many friends but it’s the end of day having dinner and “how was your day” conversation I miss and all the health and safety issues you mention. I’ve never lived alone and the prospect is scary. I guess we will both get used to it and it will become normal after a while

I’ve never lived with a partner (never met Mr Right) but I have two adopted dds, who have both since left home although one stays overnight occasionally.
I love living alone. I felt so stifled living with my parents in my 20s while I saved for a deposit on a house.
I love being able to watch what I like on tv, or peace and quiet with no tv on, doing washing up and doing other chores or not as I choose to because if I’m not in the mood there’s nobody there to see the mess, going to bed when I want without being disturbed, having the bed to myself, having the bathroom to myself, being able to cook what meals I want when I want. It’s not even 4pm yet but I’m just having tea as I had no lunch - no waiting for a partner to get home from work.
I don’t worry about burglars but always have my phone by me and would ring the police if I heard someone breaking in. Having accidents or illnesses doesn’t really worry me either, although it probably should have done more so in the past as three or four years ago I had regular seizures and would crash over unconscious but that’s been sorted now.
I have lots of friends and two sisters as well as dds nearby, but don’t like going out at night due to my neurological issues, tiredness etc and after work I need sone time to decompress.
I am planning on moving to the coast where I won’t know anyone when I retire in three or four years and I will make the efffort to make new friends there, go for walks etc. And I will make sure to check in with someone every day too so they know I haven’t died!
The one thing I do struggle with as a single woman is DIY so do ask people for recommendations for good tradies.
Hopefully you’ll have good neighbours too who will have a friendly chat and look out for you.
I’d try living alone for a few months and if you really hate it look for a lodger.

Forgot to say I have two cats too, and they’re great company although when their time is up I’m minded not to replace them so I can travel, even if it’s only from the coast back to where I live now every few weeks to catch up with family and friends.

After two shit marriages I've realised my natural and happy state is to live alone (I'll allow current small dc but I was alone alone for a decade before he existed).

What helped me, don't laugh, was getting Alexas in every room. I also set up some setting on her where if I said a code phrase she would message my sisters to say I'd had an emergency and check on me. This helped alleviate the "what if I fall in the shower and can't reach my phone and get eaten by rats" worries.

Also get a Ring doorbell and link to cameras in your garden or wherever you're worried about.

Honestly, you can learn to love it.

Great suggestions