Ducks in a row

[debsed83]

New username for this. Fed of up of being treated like sh1t. Was trying to bide my time to let children finish education but can’t take it anymore. Feeling depressed and feeling like I can’t go on like this - will be seeing counsellor. It’s been like this for years, but worse last 3/4 years. I’ve often heard the term ducks in a row, but what does it mean.

You have finances to unravel. Anything joint. Anything that isn't but will need to be known so you can work out a settlement. Copies to make of anything important of his. Making sure all your own important things like passport or anything sentimental are squirrelled away somewhere safe eg with family or friends, in case you're worried that he will blow his top or retaliate.

Having a plan for human back up if you will need him to leave the family home if he will be violent or abusive.

And, of course, knowing your rights. Before you even let on that you want to end it.

It means gather information that would be useful to know on separation eg bank accounts/pensions. Also see a solicitor for the free half hour if you can to know your rights. Plus if you aren’t in a good financial position then start moving to a better position eg increasing hours at work, try to save a bit. Essentially it is just getting organised to leave.

Presuming you are married and in the UK or somewhere equivalent then marriage is essentially a decision to combine your wealth and income as a couple. Mostly in pursuit of a family life. Divorce is about unpicking that and it deals with 2 things. Splitting all the marital assets and agreeing co parenting for any children of the marriage.

The definition of marital assets can differ with jurisdiction. In some countries and in some circumstances it is limited to assets accrued during the marriage. In England it will be all assets held individually and jointly before and during the marriage. There are a few exceptions.

To split all the assets you need to know why they are and where they are. Each party should declare them as part of the divorce. But there is a risk that one party could hide assets or spend them after separation. This is a risk not a certainty. Most people are aware of marital finances but some people aren’t. If you aren’t up to date get familiar with the family finances and budgets. That includes personal savings and accounts.

Now you need to do this in a way that is lawful. You don’t have the right to gather information any way you see fit. If the other party doesn’t openly share accounts you can’t spy on their phone or break into their private space. For example you can read a bank statement left on the kitchen table but you can’t break into a locked drawer to get it.

Then are then some practical things you need to prepare for. You are ending the marriage. Does that mean you are moving out? Or do you intend to stay and continue to share the house?

Is there coercion or abuse in the relationship. If so you will need to protect yourself and get support.

You are also going to have to give some thought to the children. This will effect them but they should not involved or conflicted over your relationship.