Mediator not solving anything after 2 full sessions

[ThisLemonDog]

Hi, could you give me your opinion? Feels like our mediator is like expensive counsellor.

I and my divorcing husband have been going through 4 hours (2 sessions) of mediation after MIAM, but nothing is solved. The mediator only went though our assets in the first session mainly, also charged us £400 for finance summerly after that so it has costed us over £1,500 (excl voucher) so far.
in the second session he has been trying to ask us if we could come up with explanations for children, but nothing is settled so I don’t know what I could tell children, and why we spend half an hour (over £100) to discuss this.

is this expected from mediation? I expected him to lead us through finance split and everything else comes with it. My husband doesn’t want to change the mediator as we will loose time and we can solve things between us, but his attitude isn’t helping productive discussion & i feel stuck.

Mediators aren’t meant to solve problems. They are to help you come to an agreement. Are you discussing in between sessions? Have you an opinion and your ex have an opinion and then they would help you arrive at a solution somewhere between the two.

Can you go to him with more of a solid plan as to what you want to get out of it? E.g. he starts talking about "what will you tell the children?" you say "We'll sort that out separately, can you help us with splitting assets?" Would that work?

A mediator is not supposed to tell you. They are supposed to help facilitate dialogue and see areas of common ground and help discuss points of contention so you can hopefully come to a compromise

Thanks for your comments, interesting. But then counsellor should be sufficient & why to pay more than 3 times more, I thought they’re experts for finance and divorce process?

As PPs have said, I think you've misunderstood their role. They facilitate a conversation. They don't suggest solutions or advise on what's best. You need a fully formed plan to run through in those sessions.

Just came on to confirm what the others are saying - it's really up to the couple to decide on the split, the mediator is there to just keep dialogue open.

What are you stuck on?

Is there anything you CAN agree on, because it's probably best to start with that - it'll be a positive step.

As others have said, the mediator is there to facilitate discussions. It is you and your ex who are meant to come to solutions (the mediator may ask questions to help you both problem solve and come to solutions). A mediator also will not give legal advice, and you are best off having legal advice alongside mediation so you enter it with reasonable expectations of what is possible here. Mediation though can help focus parties minds and help you both come to an agreement that is more amicable than court.

The mediator’s role is to facilitate the conversation to help you come to an agreement. It isn’t their role to give you solutions or advice. You need to go with your plan for what you would like to achieve from the session i.e. childcare arrangements / finances / ownership of the family pet. A counsellor doesn’t give solutions or advice but will work with you to understand feelings / explanation for these and associated behaviours and how to manage intrusive thoughts etc. They do not get involved in the practicalities of a divorce.

I have had the same experience as the op in our case charged 2k for 4 hours and admin all that was achieved was a financial statement which I could have knocked up in a hour. I think there is a big industry out there ripping people off at a very low point in their lives. £300/£400 ph is a total pee take. So I’m just about to put a formal complaint in about our mediator. I am going to self represent as I don’t like being ripped off plus as I am retired I can’t afford it anyway