Acces to child for father with poor mental health

[Fblake1]

Hi folks

I have a 3 and half year old daughter with my ex. He last saw her when she was 3 months old. He has a history of poor .mental health, attending psychiatrists for severe depression with a 2 suicide attempts. He is up and down. He can hold down a job for a few months and then is down for a few months and then gets another job and hold a it for a few months.
He now wants access to my daughter. She doesn't know him at all as she was only 3 months old when he left.

What would people do about access where the father is unstable? He has never been violent to anyone in his life but his head is really messed up. I have t seen or spoken to him in 3 years

I would start with meeting him only with you there too whilst they get to know each other and it will give you time to gauge how the land lies.

I agree with pp

are you able to let him see her for short amounts while you’re there? Are you safe /comfortable with that ? So you can assess his health and get more information ? I probably wouldnt tell your child that it’s her dad - rather he could come for a cup of tea to start with no introductions other than mums friend ?

if not he’ll need to go the legal
route which will involve building up starting off with short phone calls /letters, then progressing to supervised only short visits then to longer days etc

does he have diagnosed mental
health illnesses with medication etc is he still under care of psychiatrist or other professional ?

unless he is fully supported and taking medication and managing his illness stably I would not be simply introducing your daughter to him as her dad or letting him have any unsupervised time

I would suggest a contact centre where he is not allowed to remove her. Then a third party log of if he shows or not etc

He had been seeing a psychiatrist for about 5 years and taking antidepressants. The psychiatrist discharged him last year and at that time he had been weaned off the medication.

He works only part time to keep his stress down and lives with his parents. He is 47. As I say above he is fine for a few months and then he could stay in bed for a solid 2 weeks without washing himself etc but he eventually pulls out of it each time.

What do people think?

Contact centre, I would call and discuss with your health visitor to see what they can advise?

Thanks for the reply. It is hard to know what to do.

Do you think it would be necessary for a contact centre? Is that not excessive, I don't know?

Does your child see his parents? Could they support with access?

I think that I would be honest with dd even if that is hard. Maybe start by showing her a few pictures of him and telling her that he is her dad.

Then I’d invite him to a few places we were going anyway, on neutral ground - park, soft play etc. Introduce them and let them interact etc but always with you present.

What are his parents like? If they’re normal/functional/helpful then I would think about increasing over time to her being at his for a few hours at a time with his parents also present.

I think that I would be wary of him having her for any overnight contact until she is old enough to call you to come and help if he is poorly.

Thank you

My friends are saying it might be best to keep him out of her life as having a parent who has issues with depression could be harmful. I just want to do the right thing for her

hes discharged by psychiatry and off medication.
look at it from the other side if it were him denying you access for similar reasons
a court would almost certainly support access and cost £1000s. I think there’s some sensible
advice to say facilitate it and see how it goes

Don't deny your child access to her father. Supervised contact for a while and see how it goes. Sounds like he's doing quite well so you have no reason to block contact.

He only does well for a few months, then he gets depressed and takes to his bed for weeks, loses his job. After another few months he feels better and gets a new job. It a repetitive cycle.

He does ok. Then depressed. Does ok. Then depressed. Yet his psychiatrist did discharge him. He lives with his parents. He has paid a little maintenance on and off, about half what he should pay. I do fine myself financially. I have my own house almost paid for though. He doesn't have money to bring me to court for access

I don't worry about her being physically harmed or anything more I worry about how it might affect her seeing him when he goes through his down times.

What do people think?

as a parent with MH issues I see the effect it has on my son and it is an adverse childhood experience.
However, I also have a friend who didn’t have her dad in her life growing up and it had a negative impact on her life. That is also an adverse childhood experience.
I’d always let my child have at least some contact time with a parent if it was safe.

I wouldn’t send her if he is in bed with depression, but would allow some contact during the periods when he is well. I’m also a firm believer in being honest in a way that is age appropriate “Daddy is well sometimes and can see you, he gets poorly sometimes and can’t see you “

So, based on that I’d also try and avoid a regular schedule so she doesn’t come to rely on every other week or something like that. Just occasional, positive contact during times when he is well, with either you or his parents around for supervision/support.

Overall, I think that it would be positive for her to have some contact.

Thank you all for your contributions