Divorced - No financial order 3.5 years later :(

[adv1ce1987]

Hi all,

Apologies in advance for the long post.

Met my ex on valentines day 2012 we were both in our mid 20's with only a month or two separating our age, she had a daughter who was 4 years old. Its fair to say we were both head over heels and never wanted to be apart. I was introduced to her daughter after a few months and another month or two later I was moving into her house(rented). I had no ties and was renting at the time too. As I was around to be a dad my partner applied for a full time job at the hospital NHS and got it. She had only previosuly worked part time to look after her child. We were both happy and a proper family unit.

I adored her and her daughter and enjoyed being a fatherly figure. Life was good we had holidays and fun times. Fast forward 4 years to 2016 and we had a child together, a little boy. Our family was complete. We were still in the same rented accommodation at this point but as his room was only small it was time to start saving to move. We also planned a wedding which was a spectacular event. We saved for a deposit on a house and went shopping. Eventually we found the perfect house with a huge back garden, detatched garage and room for everyone and we made an offer for full asking price (130k)

Whilst we had rocky patches through the relationship, sometimes my fault and sometimes hers (there wasn't any unfaithfulness) just your common issues we always saw through them and made it work. We argued a lot after the wedding as the relationship seemed to go cold and one argument led me to call the house buying off as I didn't think we could continue and last. This prompted her to beg me to stay on the mortgage "for hers and the kids sake" even though we would split. I of course said we couldn't do that.

She begged me to come back saying it was the stress of the house buy and things would be better when we settled in. I agreed and we went ahead and bought the house. On day 1, once I had moved everything in I knew I had made a mistake. She went cold and left for bed without me. This started months of kicking me out of the house and not wanting to be with me until eventually I had to leave for everyone's sake, just six months after buying the house together. I moved to my parents and to be honest I felt relieved...at first.

I missed the children terribly and missed her too and tried to work things out but she had no interest. a month or two later I found out she had a new partner. It turned out this partner was her ex (not her childs father) who she was with just before me who she told me he had knocked her about and that's why they split. Me and him have had a few kick offs since but nothing that would require police presence.

Anyhow....I obviously said I want my name off the mortgage and my money back. I rented a 1 bedroom flat for me and my son where we still live now. He stays with me 1 or 2 nights a week and we are inseparable he loves coming to my place. I bought a bed for him but he generally chooses to sleep in mine. I have a rolling shift so these nights alternate but there is a schedule that can be worked out years in advance.

We got divorced, she pushed it all the way to the end without settling the financial consent order and things stopped there.

In a jist...

Together 7 years living together married 2.5 until we split

At the time of the split

My wage - £30k Her wage £23k
My pension - £10k Her pension £50k (NHS all earned whilst together)
CMS £200

House £130k value and owed £117k

(approx £75k assets)

3.5 years later

My wage - £60k Her wage £30k
My pension - £20k Her pension £60k?
House valuation now at £160k - owe £110k
CMS to her £470

I believe there is at least £120k in marital assets plus whatever inheritance she got (i have no interest in this but she has told me she wont pay me anymore than £6.5k which is what we each put into the house as deposit.

I'm not sure if finances are settled as if it was the time of the split or they keep growing?

She pays the full mortgage payment every month and I obviously pay my rented accommodation. The fixed term is also now up on the mortgage and she asked me to sign her a new deal which I refused so now she is paying more for the mortgage than she should be doing. I don't feel good about this but I don't know what else to do. I signed 2 things with her...a marriage and a house and I don't have either. I don't want to sign anything else.

We went to mediation to try and sort it but she was just bothered about me signing a new mortgage deal for her and having my son alternate weekends (even if I was at work) The mediator asked us to get pension CETV's and a house valuation. I did my part but she refused to get these things and so the mediator said they couldn't help us and things stopped.

I just want my name off the mortgage so I can buy a house suitable for me and my son. My dream was to do this before he turned 11 and went to high school but now this looks like it wont happen. If i somehow managed to buy another home would she then be also entitled to half of it?

My ex wife entered into an IVA some point in the last few years (to pay a sofa and car that she bought and still has) and cannot take me off the mortgage as she cannot prove she can afford to buy me out.

She received approx £60k inheritance this year but this still doesn't help her to get me off the mortgage due to the banks refusing to touch her whilst the IVA is on her file. There is another 4 years before this is removed. She paid her IVE off with this I assume there is plenty left.

She's happy away with her fella enjoying holidays and living in a nice house and I'm still renting a flat. What can I do?

So......im just stuck and cant buy my own house. Has anyone got any advice? Sorry if this post is all-over the place just trying to paint a picture. If you have any questions I would be glad to fill in any missing pieces. Thanks for reading

Go to court to push for the financial settlement

If she can't get a mortgage then a financial settlement won't be of any help. The other option would be for you to buy her out.

Have you spoken to a solicitor? You need to take her to court or this could go on indefinitely.

She obviously hasn’t considered the fact that while you are joint owner of the house, you are entitled to a share of the increase in value. Which will hurt when you’re not paying the mortgage.

1. So you obviously don’t sign up for a new mortgage on the property.
2. You don’t settle for a mere £6.5k ie your share of the house deposit. You are entitled to a share of the increase in value.

all of which means you need a lawyer to push through a financial settlement. The legal fees will cost you but better than living in this “no man’s land” where you can’t move on and start your new life.

You need to get a solicitor involved, she’ll keep you on this hook indefinitely.
You’ll likely be entitled to 50% of the current equity in the house, plus pensions/savings.
If she can’t afford to buy you out, you could buy her out or you can sell the property.
Don’t just accept £6.5K and your name off the property…

Thanks all for taking the time to read and reply. She will not budge. I offered to buy her out at the beginning or to sell the house but she flatly refused. She is adamant that she keeps the house.

i haven’t spoken to a solicitor as I feel she would just ignore them while I pay ridiculous money to send letters.I mean, if the banks won’t allow her to take on the mortgage alone then there’s nothing I can do. I don’t think they would force her to sell as our son is only 9. Her current partner isn’t up to much, why has he not taken me off? Or he’s more intelligent than me not to enter any agreement with her?

i just feel stuck until she is ready to offer me a pittance to be on my way Another 4 years to go

If she is currently in an IVA then let’s say the courts ordered a sale she wouldn’t be able to buy that house or another house so it would mean guaranteed renting and I don’t think they would do that with kids involved

If you go to court, they can force a sale. It can take a while but it’s possible. Having a 9year old does not fundamentally change anything as it will once did

You can get 30 mins free legal advice with many solicitors. They can advise what you’re entitled to and what your next steps should be. They absolutely could force her to sell unless there are some extraneous circumstance, although nothing you’ve said here suggests that there is but you need legal advice on this. It isn’t about writing letters at this point - that would be a waste of time and money. You can self represent in court or pay a solicitor to represent you. Lots of info here about how to apply.
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/get-court-to-decide

50/50 of all of your assets is a starting point and then they’ll look at all of the other factors to find a fair settlement. You deserve to get a fair settlement, as does she, for yourself and your kids. It’s not really your problem if she can’t buy but can rent - as long and she and dc can be adequately housed. If she can’t buy you out she’ll be forced to sell and then use the equity to pay off whatever else she owes etc.

If you don’t take her to court you’ll be in this situation indefinitely.

You’re enabling her…. She can’t just ‘not budge’ unless you let her. Go see a solicitor! You’re letting her dictate to you and it’s leaving you in limbo.

Why on earth did you agree to divorce without the finances being sorted??

Have you seen a solicitor at all? It doesn’t sound like you have. You 100% need to.

She wants to take me off the mortgage she just cant due to not being able to take the mortgage on by herself. Regarding the divorce it was pretty much handed to me and I just had to accept. I didn't want the divorce, she paid for it and pushed it through. I told her that it wasn't a good idea finalising before the finances were settled but she didn't care.

No you're right I haven't seen a solicitor. We did mediation and that failed and I expected to hear from a solicitor at that point but nothing came. She is able to afford the mortgage on her own even though it is higher than it should be while on standard variable.

I fear if i start pushing with a solicitor she could bury her head in the sand or even stop paying the mortgage. If she believes she is going to have to sell the house then it will be WW3 and she would likely make sure we both ended up with nothing.

I have read solicitors could cost up to £20k....my share of marital assets could be less than that so I would end up with nothing anyway. It feels like riding 4 years out until she can offer me a sum of money is my only option? I feel terrible for my son as i want him to have the best. She's ok up there in that nice house but I'm in a 1 bedroom flat (yes I could rent something better but the prices are astronomical at the minute - i will have to do so before my son goes to high school though)

Thanks all for responding it feels good to talk.

If she chooses to bury her head in the sand that’s her lookout. If she stops paying the mortgage you give up your rental property and you move right back in and pay the mortgage until you can force a sale - it’s your legal right to stay in the property you
own. Solicitors fees don’t need to be anywhere near that high - you can do a lot of it yourself. Either way, you can at least ask a solicitor for a quote based on your circumstances.
If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your dc. He deserves a Dad who is in a stable environment, without this stress hanging over him and / or walking away with less than his entitlement financially so less able to financially support his son. You are 100% enabling her - you need to stop playing her game and get yourself to court pronto.

Thanks very much for taking the time to respond and for the advice given. My life would be hell if I moved back into that house. I guess I had better book to see a solicitor.

If you don't want to see a solicitor then your option is to move back into the house and stand your ground. She cannot remove you from the property you are as entitled to it as much as she is. You have let this happen unfortunately and 100% should not have divorced without the financial order, you have given her a green light to rip you off.

Alternatively the Iva likely breaches the mortgage contract, so use that against her?

Go and see a lawyer. Explain the background - taking in notes should help. Tell them that you feel the best approach would be to send one letter and then go straight to court. Ask about fees. It might be less than you think. But you also need to take into account what it’s costing you to let this situation go on.

Thanks for the response. What are the main negative implications of divorcing without financial consent? Whenever I have put time into researching I just find we will miss possible tax cuts on pension sharing orders. I cannot find much about how it can affect an overall financial split.

Who is it going to affect more? Or are we both in as much trouble for finalising without consent order?

I am currently having to rent while she pays the mortgage in full. Is she not in more trouble than me? For all she knows in 4 years time she will have to share everything with me when I've not paid for it (this is how she will see it, obviously I've incurred my own costs by having to set up again and rent)

Honestly moving back in is a no go. She has moved on with another man who is always there. How could I move back in? There aren't enough bedrooms.

I agree I need to see a solicitor to find out how we can go about solving the mess.