Ex cherry-picking childcare arrangements

[Starbuck80]

Currently in the process of divorcing. We both still live in family home with our 5yr old and 19month old. I have been a stay at home parent and primary care giver for 5yrs and and pretty much manage the kids most of the time as ex works late a lot, travels internationally (7 times already this year) and generally doesn’t want to do the day-to-day parenting like taking to school, food, bedtime etc. (would rather be watching tv, going for a run or doing Lego)

I’ve put forward a proposal of 50/50 during school holidays but during the school week, I’ve suggested that alternates weekends with two afterschool evenings per week which can develop into two overnights when we see how the older child adjusts. She gets emotionally deregulated very easily. My ex is insisting that this is unfair as he’s paid for everything since they’ve been born, so he’s entitled to 50/50 time with them.

As he’s so unreliable, i’ve offered to trial two school week days where he manages the daily routine but he will only agree to drop off, pick-up and bedtime. He says he can’t take the time off work to look after our 19 month old son on the day he’s not at nursery and expects me to continue doing it.

He’s also unwilling to commit to dates in the summer holidays and has told me that I need to be flexible.

Can this be called ‘shared care’ if he’s expecting me to undertake the bulk of the parenting for our youngest?

Well firstly it's not about what he's entitled to. That's not a thing. The children are entitled to what's best for them, which includes a stable relationship with him. That may or may not translate to 50:50.

Secondly you're right that if he wants 50:50 then he has to do 50:50. So on his weekdays,.if he can't be off work then he has to arrange childcare. And that's not you - you don't work for him. He can pay for it like everyone else.

Get a lawyer, because you will need one.

Basically he wants 50:50 for the purposes of CS and 99:1 for the purposes of effort. He needs to pick one. Either he does 50:50 and pays less or doesnt and pays more.

I can’t imagine why you’re divorcing…

He thinks I’ve shot myself in the foot by agreeing to the trial and told a friend that he’s now got the kids three times a week, which is basically 50/50 (alternating sat and sun and twice in the week) but he’s ignoring the fact that i only agreed to the trial to see if he could cope with the kids two weekdays when he’s not got them at the weekends.

He’s totally trying to get out of CM payments. He’s a high earner and would have to pay the top up so he’s looking for ways to reduce the amount he pays.

For the two weeks trial I’d go and stay somewhere else on ‘his’ nights and leave him to it. A few full days and nights might give him a kick up the butt. Remind him that he is also responsible for their laundry/packed lunches/ etc. while they’re in his care. I’d also sit down with a calendar and block out exact dates and times.

Yes absolutely be absent for his days on the 2 week trial.
Go away with a friend or stay with your family - but do not be available for him at all. It will quickly highlight what he cannot manage.

It’s not a two week trial but a trial to see how he get’s on looking after them two school/nursery days per week.

This is the third time this year, he’s created this type of schedule. The max it’s lasted has been a week.

Tell him that's great, as you're getting back to work 50/50 will be perfect...but this will include 50/50 on the days when they're too sick for nursery/school...

Unless he has family that can help out, he'll need to employ nannys for work trips on his week too. Ask him if he has started interviewing them yet.

Honestly you know this is not best for your kids. You know he is not going to follow through. I would stop appeasing him.

Work out what is best for the kids and aim for that. Otherwise he will take advantage of you, tank any chance you have of rebuilding your career and still vanish off the scene leaving you to pick up the pieces.

He’s doing it to reduce CM and because family have told him to fight for at least 50/50. He honestly believes that his financial position trumps the primary caregiver role and that he can meet their needs better than I can. We couldn’t resolve this in mediation and we’re now moving towards solicitors.

hes probably got his mum doing all the childcare during the trial weeks! I wouldnt be suprised.

Sounds like my ex. In 5 days he sent 4 different plans for the kids which all revolved around his work. He even wanted to pick them up from me at 6.30pm, bedtime was 7/7.30pm, and then drop them off to me at 7am... so here could get to work on time and CMS would be zero.

You definitely need a solicitor. I would stop trialling, you've given him so many chances and it isn't prioritising the kids but his demands.

You are the primary carer and always have been. Court wouldn't expect you to be completely flexible over the summer, the kids need a routine.

I would start gathering evidence such as his travel abroad over the last few years, what you do as primary carer.

Honestly, I think you need a court order so he can't muck you around as much. Obviously the choice does go to the judge which is scary, and once it is in writing he could still refuse to 0arent on his allocated time but the bonus is you can stick to it, know what time is yours and plan accordingly and don't have to give in to his every whim. It has massively helped me as my go to response is 'I will be following the court order.' My ex hates it but it has been a lifesaver for me.

Feel for you as it isn't easy at all!

Thanks for your message. Today I made it clear that as soon as the summer holidays start, he cannot expect me to look after the kids on his days. He said that because of this, we need to change our son’s nursery days or get a childminder. His work schedule is erratic at the best of times. On the days he insists he can’t have them because he’s got to go into the office, he doesn’t even bother.

His responsibility to organise childcare for his days, not yours. However if you get 15 or 30 hours free he is entitled to 50% if that is the end game.
If it isn't the end game in your eyes ve careful not to set a precedent now.

@Starbuck80 have you tried leaving the house at the crack of dawn when it is his days and not being contactable and moving into a hotel for two days. see how he gets on working, child caring, house working, etc etc. let him see that he cannot manage 50/50

I’m super tempted to do this. The issue is that he is totally deluded and will never acknowledge he can’t cope. He think’s he has the ‘right’ to have the kids 50/50 as he pays for everything. Sadly, I don’t even think we’ll get very far with solicitors. I think I need to let him carry on thinking this is 50/50 and let a judge decide. He asked me yesterday if I wanted to go out for our anniversary which is coming up - what sane person asks that in the middle of a non-amicable divorce?

There's no 'we need to ...'. He needs to if it's his time. It sounds like he still expects you to facilitate his life. Don't do it. Have a fixed pickup time and he is entirely responsible for them and all their needs until fixed drop time. School, childcare, sickness, providing clothing etc, absolutely everything. Just like you do when they're with you.