Co parenting

[DDM11]

My hubby left me not long ago and I just wondered if anyone has any good ideas for how to do the whole one weekend here, one there and what other do mid week in regards to how often they see him? Also with regards to the kids birthday presents- do you just get from mum and he gets from him or what? And my two still young to believe in Santa so what do people do with that? Any suggestions welcome, feel like I’m drowning just now.

Massive hugs and things will get better.

This is what I do:

Birthdays - separate pressie from mum and dad (I usually tell dad what I’m getting to avoid duplication)

Christmas - Santa presents at mums and at dads (not ideal, but my kids are fine with it).

Tea with dad one night mid-week on a set day (but I guess that depends on the agreement you have, court order etc)

Hope that’s helpful.

I’ve been divorced for 8 years and we did every other weekend at dads and Weds evening at his for tea.

Presents from both of us separately at Christmas and birthdays but we did used to tell each other what we were getting when they were younger (they are 18 and 16 now) so that we didn’t duplicate.

They always wanted to be at home (with me) for Christmas Day so they’d have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with me and then Boxing Day with their dad.

it’s a tough time so sending hugs, but it does get a lot easier after the first year.

It’s harder for us than the children so firstly, be kind to yourself and don’t try to make everything perfect.

We have always done every other weekend on whatever days works for all of us. We’re extremely flexible to the fact that we both have separate lives and allow one another the chance to change plans so long as neither of us take the p!
we do saturday mornings to Monday mornings as we live close by.
If our child wants to go to dads for tea in the week then i allow it. As a rule we aim for one evening a week but now our child is older he pretty much chooses what he’s doing around who has the better food choice on the days his dad finishes work early 😄

Christmas we alternate so if you sleep here Xmas eve you do presents and then go to dads for Xmas lunch and if you sleep at dads you come home for lunch and presents 12pm Xmas day.
Boxing day and new year we let him decide who hes with as I don’t have a big family so I know he loves the events with his cousins on his dad’s side.
Unless I genuinely have set plans with my son then I never say no to him spending time with his father or their family. It’s worked for 8 years so far and whilst it’s harder in the younger years when they’re under 5, I can tell you it really helps to show the children that you are still all family.
We also split clubs so my ex does swimming and football and I do the others. We both make an effort to attend presentations and matches and again it’s very fluid.
we don’t get along, we rarely speak these days but we made a deal that we keep our own sh*t out of our co parenting. It’s a job not an opportunity to pry into each others personal lives.
Now we both have partners and new families in the mix, we continue to make it all about the children involved and not about us.
Thats the best advice I can give you ❤️

My children are 2 and 5 (separated last April when they were 1&4). He has them every other weekend (from the sat morning to Tuesday eve) then does dinner and bed at mine on the Tues. When its been my weekend they spend Monday from school to weds morning at his.

bday I sort and he pays half

Xmas I’ve told him I’m never not spending with my kids so we do together. Last year he stopped at Mine Xmas eve and day along with dad. This year will be similar

I promise it gets better x

We do -
every other Saturday night - Monday morning with dad. Dad has her on a weds night and Thursday as it’s his day off.
we do our own presents, alternate Christmas but flexible.
she goes to ex MIL after school on Mondays and Wednesdays when we are both at work.
personally I’ve put aside personal problems and just coparent. We take her out for her bday as dad, mum and partners aswell as seeing Santa with us both.
doesn’t work for everyone but does for us.
it feels a lot right now but I love having DD but also cherish my alone time.
We also go away alone with partners once a year and the other person has DD for abit longer to allow for this.

I have a court order in place with my ex. We do every other weekend, and then half the holidays. We also used to do an evening during the week, but not any more as I moved and that made it harder to facilitate. Christmas my DD is with me, and birthdays she goes for 2 hours with my ex and then back to me. It gets easier, and as time moves along you start to appreciate the time to yourself while your child is with your ex. Time for making your own life :-)

50:50 for my DSC. 2/2/5/5 (Monday-Tuesday night ours, Wednesday-Thursday night moms and weekends alternate). It’s a shame your ex isn’t up to doing 50:50 and being a more committed dad but I’m sure you’ll find a schedule that works for you, just be open to trying a few different ones to find out what works for the kids (we tried 7:7 and 2:2:3) and be willing to adapt at different ages.

Christmas and Boxing Day alternate so they get two Christmas days in essence although we don’t call it 2nd Christmas their mom does. Santa goes to both houses. Honestly they cope fine with things being different as long as both houses are loving.

just be prepared for your ex to be a Disney dad if you’re doing all the grunt work of school runs, admin and appointments etc.

My kids do every other weekend, Saturday morning to Monday morning plus 4 weeks a year in school holidays.

Xmas we spend together, and kid’s birthdays together if he has time off work. He’s quite good about doing an extra day occasionally if I have work meetings etc.

Its his choice and the kids would prefer extra time with him if they could.

Sorry to hear about the end of your marriage OP.
This is what we do but it depends how far apart you live from each other as well:
Every other weekend
alternate Christmas; alternate Easter (although, as Easter moves around, this might need more negotiating!); half each for half terms; summer holidays 1 week parent 1, 2 weeks parent 2, 2 weeks parent 1 and then final week with parent 2. Weekends collect from school and deliver back to school (if possible or if they are older).
You can agree a Parenting Plan and sign this between you which will make things an awful lot better between you as you will have to talk many things through over the years and agree on things. It is also a lot cheaper!
Hope things work out

Oh and forgot to say, that if you do live close to each other, Wednesday after school with non-resident parent works well too; phone calls when they want and message when they want.

Sorry also forgot about presents: birthday presents are separate and from each household; same with Christmas presents from mum or dad but liaise with each other to avoid same presents; Father Christmas goes to both houses and if they are away at the other parent then they open them when them come back on 26th (with photo being sent of stocking on Christmas morning and a v brief hello as they were too excited. The Christmas split alternates school break up to Boxing Day and then second half of holiday with other parent. Easter Bunny each house too but the tooth fairy visited whichever house they were in when the tooth fell out (or spent following night after if fell out in the daytime).

Two Christmas ⛄ 🎁 and two birthdays father Christmas visit both ;)
We do Christmas with one, and NY with the other (swap on 29/30) but parent who doesn't get Christmas day, gets Easter.
Although I now celebrate 2nd Christmas NYD alternatingly and it's IS my Christmas.

Separate birthday present. Alternate actual birthday day, but usually get the closest day possible (within reason to do a tea party) we also alternate birthday dos so not to duplicate.

My ex wanted 50/50 so we did 2/2/3 alternating weeks. Now we do 1 week, 1 week alternating starting on a Monday after school.

Probably a Wednesday or Thursday for the in the week visit if we did 1 day and alternating weekends. But does he want something particularly around activities/work?

So sorry to hear you feel like you’re drowning. I promise it does get better. And after a while it will all feel normal again

I’ve always done 50:50 and we do full weeks, with the swap after school on Mondays. Both houses are near each other, so even when they’re with their Dad they pop over to see me/ get things etc. most days, so I rarely go more than a few days without seeing them.

We do full Christmasses with alternate parents. So Santa goes to the house they’re staying at. There’s lots of FaceTiming.

Oh and we do separate Christmas and birthday gifts from each parent, unless there’s something really big they want, and then we share the cost.

My word ladies you are some kind of hero’s I can barely sit in the same room as him without want to launch something at him!
it’s incredibly hard and raw, he told me he doesn’t love me because I’m me and not someone else. The someone else is part of my kids lives which is killing me!

thanks, I’m trying to be all good about it as I know it’s for the kids but hate the face he is FaceTime every night so I have to hear his voice and get wound up by him without that too.
so trying to get things straight in my head so I can have something to plan.

thank you for your kind words x

Sorry to hear you are in this situation, it’s very tough so please do be kind to yourself.
We do alternate weekends, roughly half of school holidays and Weds eve for tea with dad.
It does get easier I promise but doesn’t mean it isn’t still hard at times (first few Christmasses were very tough).
It sounds like you are in a similar position to me. ExH left because he didn’t love or like me and had found someone else who he did love. Kids had to adjust to “new person” and like you it felt like it was killing me.
I hope you have some family and/or friend support, it was a lifesaver for me.
Take care and breathe.

Every other weekend at dads and they get a week in summer holidays. My ex and I haven’t a court order and it’s been a bumpy road on the coparenting journey the last five years but it does get easier. They are with me every Christmas that was their choice and also my ex’s choice (I did other every other weekend after the first couple of years. Which ex declined). Birthdays and Christmases separate presents.

From experience i would keep communication and agreements in writing I don’t think that’s a toxic attitude it just keeps things more amicable and avoids any issues.

I’ll never forget that first weekend without them. I cried the whole time and decorated three bedrooms for when they came back. It broke me but it does get easier. The thing I would say and it’s hard is to bare in mind what happens at dads is none of your business unless it causes harm.

i also have a step son. Coparenting on that front has been so much harder. She thought she could dictate etc. We went to court. We have him every other weekend and half the holidays, every other Christmas. I meet up with his mum every January with our diary’s and confirm school holiday weeks and then we confirm what has been agreed in writing. The reason I deal with all that communication is because she refuses to communicate with my husband and she wanted to only deal with me. It was her choice and it works for us.

50/50 all the way here. Sun-Wed school drop off with Dad Wed after school - Fri after tea me then alternating weekends so some weeks it looks Fri after tea - Wednesday after school with dad other weeks it's Weds after tea - Sunday after tea with me.
It means we can both spend time with the kids and both fit our work around the hours we have the kids.
Christmas and birthdays are split equally with alternating years who gets the kids Christmas eve/morning and who gets Christmas afternoon/boxing day.
Same with birthdays every other year they wake at mine.

Some of these stories are so sad, every other weekend and a week in the holidays. That is hardly being a parent. It will incredibly difficult just now but will get easier. Kids need to see both parents every day if possible and see that you can work through conflict and give a united front all be it that won’t happen immediately. A wee one doesn’t want to be uprooted from their toys on Christmas Day so if you can, be in one place and let them have the magic. Be flexible and be led by the kids, you will get there, don’t let it break you and become bitter and resentful and rise above using your children as pawns.

It is very sad indeed, mine also only get collected Saturday morning and brought back Sunday evening so actually only go two nights a month. What makes it sadder is he was originally offered 50/50 including half school holidays but very quickly reduced it to what it is now. Thankfully as the kids have got older they actually prefer it at mine, and they often decide not go every their every other weekend to their dads. Luckily mine are actually fine with that, it’s their dad who ultimately misses out but it is what it is, hardest part of being a mum is seeing what the other parent could have had, and now what they are missing out on.

This is a positive co-parent post....well done for being loving parents ❤️