This might also be about change.
When we have to go through a significant change in life there is an emotional response that moves through phases. Known as change curve. When someone is bereaved it’s described as the grief pathway. It applies to other changes like divorce, redundancy etc. it comes into play for just about any change we face where it alters what we thought would be our future.
so, if you look at those change curves they start usually with denial…not wanting to face reality that change is necessary, elements of shock.
then comes bargaining…the “ if this wasn’t happening than that would happen”… this could be internal dialogue or it could be bargaining with the other person “ if you didn’t do that we’d be ok “ type of thing
then it moves to anger. Yep, even in grief…and certainly in divorce, redundancy etc . Blaming others for the massive change you need to make . a lot of folks just get stuck in anger phase. Raging at world for what they’re facing. It’s easier than the next phases frankly.
grief pathway put bargaining after anger. But it’ll vary depending on type of change and there’s often a lot of going back or forth.
then depression..the loss of hope that things will suddenly get better by themselves. Helplessness. Usually that’s at the rock bottom of the curve when we’re at the worst point before we climb back out
then slowly comes acceptance …the realisation that you have to change yourself. That takes effort, resources and a will to move on.
in some models they talk abouta letting go phase - forgiveness in terms of letting go of resentments and realising hanging on to them is only hurting you, not the other person
and only then are people able to move on and begin their new life with changes that have been needed..that sometimes involves “ testing” , trying out new stuff to see what works like starting dating again, joining new social groups, changing jobs etc
in practice it’s rarely linear …people go back and forth between phases.
so, I’m reading your post and thinking here’s a guy whose firmly stuck right now in anger phase. Possibly a bit of depression. He’s back home with mum, he’ll be poorer ), he’s loosing his image of being a hands on dad, his carer seems to not be where he wants it. So life has changed, but he isn’t in control of the outcome. And it doesn’t seem a very positive outcome right now. He doesn’t like his new life, he’s stuck …he’s doing every thing mentally to stop having to face reality that no one else will fix his life for him. And he’s blaming you for that.
He has to accept the situation and change , and mentally that’s either too scary or too much mental effort. So there he stays, locked in anger phase and maybe depression phase ( doesn’t mean he’s clinically depressed). Resenting you for cause of his discomfort.
you’re probably elsewhere on phases, but it’s likely effecting you. Sounds like you’ve tried to do a lot of the bargaining phase.
so, in my opinion, it may “ simply” be this. He asked for the change in terms of asking for divorce, but is now stuck mentally and emotionally and can’t move on from it to make changes needed.
It maybe will help you to know how he feels is not about you personally. If you engage with his anger it’s maybe going to hold him longer as he’ll feel marginally better when he vents and can see you’re hurting too. It’ll become abusive in lashing out, the signs are there. Step away. Disengage, he’ll still feel angry and blame you, but eventually he’ll find it’s not helping him, and he’ll possibly start moving forwards again as realisation dawns he has to make the change himself. No one can fix it for him.
just my view. Sorry if this explanation of phases is saying something you already know. I’ve experienced divorce, grief, redundancy in my life.. and knowing this pathway is normal part of emotional processing of change has always helped me enormously
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