Caught him on dating site again

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Married to my husband for 25 years, long story but unhappy marriage for most of it.We have separated a couple of times over the years but I have taken him back each time as I love him despite the fact that he doesn’t seem to love me. I honestly now think the only reason he came back last time was because he had nowhere to live and had got deeper into debt. Anyway in the 2 years he has been back home and we have been trying to make a go of it, I find him on a dating site twice and he denied it both times, deleted accounts and made me doubt that I’d seen what I’d seen. I can not think of one positive reason why I have stayed in the relationship, other than that I still love him, I know it sounds pathetic. I get no support, no help with home things or help with kids , financially everything is separate but we pay half each for everything, mortgage, bills, food even though I earn half his salary. He is secretive about money so I don’t really know how much he earns though but I do know he is in debt up to his eyeballs as he just buys random things he wants never discusses it or discloses the amount he pays for things. Anyway while I was on joint iPad last week an email notification pinged on it from a dating app saying he’d got a message, so I looked at his emails, went on the site and there he was. , there were also emails from a couple of women he’s been talking to , and in them he is saying we have been separated for a year. I confronted him and he denied it again but I know what I saw, I’m not even feeling that upset , I’m annoyed with myself for letting it go on for so long and I’ve said he’s got to leave and I will be divorcing him , which is something we have never discussed before even though we have separated before. I’ve spent all my adult life with this man and I don’t feel he has ever really loved me , My question to anyone that has gone through a divorce is that We own a property together (with 15 years left on mortgage)and I would like to remain in the home for now as I am the main carer for our children—two young adults with health issues who are not yet in a position to move out. My goal is to eventually sell the home once they are more independent, but I need guidance on how to secure this arrangement legally and fairly. I work full time on minimum wage and could cover the bills and half the mortgage, this would leave me with basically nothing left after food. As my youngest will be 18 next year , would i be allowed to stay in the house with the children , they can not be independent because of health issues at the moment as can not earn their own money.Hopefully this will change in the future and then we could sell house when I’m not supporting 3 people on minimum wage, we have applied for PIP payments for both young people, one is moving from DLA, but if they get it this will help us keep our heads above water My husband will definitely not be honest about money so I think we won’t be able to sort it out on our own. Has anyone been in the same position and have any advice?

My advice would be to seek proper legal advice. Get all your financial information together, along with your children's medical info. See a solicitor and form a strategy.

I would think though that unless your children are severely disabled and the house is specially adapted to their needs, the chances of keeping the house are not high.

The key to this will be the level of debt and assets within the marriage, savings, investments, pensions and equity. 50:50 is your start point.

Well done for making the decision. Don't let him talk you out of it.

He sounds awful, good decision to get rid.
I believe all assets (mortgage, pensions etc) and debts go into one pot before the initial 50/50 split is applied, so sadly you may not come away with as much as you’d hope.
This happened to a friend of mine, she thought there was £200k equity in the house but by the time his debts were cleared there was only £80k 😱.
I would recommend talking to a solicitor as your children’s needs may change things, usually once children are adults they’re not taken into account.

OP, think carefully about whether staying in the house is really the best thing for you. It sounds like it would be a financial stretch, would it be better to sell it, split the assets and move somewhere cheaper that will be less of a strain for you?

Morning.

So sorry you are in this position.

Seek legal advice, if only just to get an idea of what the outcome financially could look like.

You definitely deserve better than what you have now.

If you know he's on sites etc, please don't be thinking you are crazy, don't be manipulated. I feel your pain.

I doubt a temporary health issue would make a big difference although disabled adult children who will remain dependent long term are taken into account and can affect housing need. you need legal advice

If you can’t pay all the mortgage and bills it’s very unlikely your ex would be expected to keep paying when he’s no longer living there unless he’s a super high earner.

You may be given a bit longer than usual to sell if your children are not fully independent eg until end of an exam year

Have you done benefit calculator? If they are in full time non advanced (uni) education they can stay on your UC claim until age 20. You can get disability and carer elements if they are on DLA or PIP. Otherwise they claim their own income benefits.

CM also lasts until 20 if still in education.

Your children may be entitled to adult social care if cannot look after themselves so you can work.

Financial proceedings can take 12 months + to get through the court process anyway.

You could separate but agree not to divorce straightaway but with his debts that’s a bad idea. You want to cut legal ties.

You could divorce but agree to delay the financial side although there are downsides to that eg if one of you died before the financial settlement was sorted or you won lottery / inherited etc The financial claims don’t end when you are divorced only when you get a final financial order. not doing two together means either of you can claim on money built up after divorce - but that may not be a big consideration here if you expect to stay on benefits. Divorcing first would protect you re new debt.

Your ex may agree to delay the sale / financial settlement for the sake of children.

you could look at shared ownership

Thank you for your replies, I think the maximum equity in the house would be about £100,000 so not enough for either of us to get another property, I also don’t earn enough to get a mortgage on my own as although I work full time , I am earning minimum wage.Both young adults are autistic and both have also got a different extra disability, one of these may improve but that is unknown at the moment. The youngest will go to college in September, the eldest finds it very difficult the hold down a job because of their disability. I have helped them both apply for PIP , one is transferring from DLA. At the moment neither can be independent , financially or otherwise. I also could not afford to private rent as this would cost more than my mortgage does now . My only option would be to stay or become homeless and hope the council would house us. I am having trouble finding any free legal advice . All his debts are hopefully only in his name , i don’t know how much these are as he won’t tell me. I only have a credit card debt which I am slowly paying off. Neither of us have pensions and no other assets. The house is the only thing we have . I would love to sever all ties but it seems impossible because of our financial situation.