What does your successful co-parenting relationship look like?

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If your separation/divorce is amicable (even if it didn’t start out that way) and you have a strong co-parenting relationship, what do you think are the reasons it works? Is it practical things you both do, do you support each other emotionally? Or something else?

I’d say

flexibility
allowing you children to feel
they can say anything openly
being able yo attend things together with no animosity ( patents evening, sports days etc)
sharing proper Information
not seeing it as competition

I wouldn’t say I ever supported ex emotionally. Practically and logistic wise yes.

Agree flexibility is the foundation for me. Helping each other out, he remained on the mortgage to enable me to stay in the FMH with the DCs. He paid over the odds on child maintenance.

Conversely, he hasn’t always been physically present so I have picked up the majority of practical parenting. I’ve been careful not to badmouth him around the DCs, ensure they appreciate his contribution and respect his limitations in terms of being a family man.

We both spend time with the DCs on special occasions, with or without our respective new partners, who have also had to be understanding and flexible.

There is very little animosity - in fact only as this arrangement is coming to an end, selling the FMH and working out logistics of ongoing responsibility for teen/young adult children, have we had cross words.

Of course in the early days it wasn’t so easy, it took a year or so to settle into a pattern that worked for everyone. But putting the DC at the centre of out decision making has made for a calm and positive environment for them. They are all thriving in great jobs and successful studying. All well rounded young people. And equally important, XH and I are both happy too.

Hope you don’t mind me asking here, but noticed you said your ex continued to pay for the FMH and above maintenance. I’m currently going through a divorce and as the husband I’m offering my wife the same, for 3 years until mortgage is up. Was that a similar situation for you? Or did you stay in the home much longer? Also did you have this written into a financial order or anything?

Flexibility, communication and compromise. Learn to bite your tongue!
Never criticise the other parent in front of the kids and make sure they know both parents love them.
We go out and celebrate kids birthdays together as that’s what the kids want.
We see each other a few times a week at pick up and catch up in person so it’s not all over text.
I do most of the mental load as it wouldn’t happen if I left it to him. But when reminded he does his share of practical tasks. He does a lot of activities he enjoys with the kids that I don’t so it balances out.
Overall, if you’re both reasonable and put the kids first it can work.

Thanks all. Really interesting to read as we are starting on this journey. So far doing ok but it’s early days so it’s good to see how to make it work longer term.

@FutureCatMum have a feeling we will end up very similar to your situation. Even down to mental load v activities and him being ok at practical stuff… when reminded!

I think this is great advice.

Retaining a sense of humour. Remembering the good points of the other person and why you got on in the first place. Being willing to help each other out.

Conversely I would say the the thing that often gets in the way are new partners - choose them wisely.

I just didn’t wish him ill and he didn’t wish me ill either.

Our separation came out of the blue but I knew that was that. When he wanted to try again I said I’d rather focus on us having a really good ending instead of flogging a dead horse until we hated each other. He understood that, so that’s what we did.

The kids still feel let down by him at times (major reason for the divorce was him never being and involved parent) but I know he does his best within what he’s capable of.

We also both have new partners who have kids and put their kids first (just as we do).

Realising that he is their equal parent and as such I don’t have either more rights or more responsibility over the kids.

Both being flexible around schedules

Ensuring and even enforcing schedules (ie not pandering to it when a child tried to play one off against the other)

having similar rules/standards in both Households.

Communicating well about the kids (both practical things and also more emotional stuff they might have said/be going through and nice things -more when they were little-pics of them on a day out of whatever).

Prioritising the other parent over new partners for things like attendance at school events where tickets are limited.

making it clear to new partners that the other parent will always be consulted and listened to about parenting decisions before the new partner is. New partner can also of course have input and they do have great relationships with the kids-but they have never been set up to be their ‘new parent’-they already have two of those.

Christmas and birthday gifts are funded between us both and come from us both. Avoids them getting spoilt and again playing off each house against the other. When they were little we spent Christmas Day and birthdays together in one house or the other which was great for them, if hard for us.

We have had alot of flash points over the years, don’t get me wrong. Exh had an affair with my then best friend. The fallout was seismic in all areas for me. But we still never put the kids in the middle or used them as weapons and it’s served us and them well.

Really good advice on here.

We occasionally argue but not in front of DC. He is still inept with much of the child admin but he does 50/50 and he puts DC first.

There is still a degree of managing him but I’ve accepted the status quo. If I tell him DC needs a hair cut, he takes them to the barbers. If I say they need new shoes, he will take them and buy them, he just doesn’t seem to notice these things himself (ND)

it was really hard to get used to being away from DC but we’ve all got used to it and they haven’t asked for us to live in the same house for a long time.
We are both flexible and use each other for child care if we need it.
we still have a joint account that we both pay into. Child Benefit also goes in there and it’s used for school lunches and clubs

it can be done if you are both reasonable. He annoys me a lot but I don’t spend very much time with him. Will be less so once the FMH is sold