How did you say you wanted to separate?

[okydokethen]

I’ve made my mind up, I have a plan, this has taken a long time to reach, but now I’m stuck. I physically can’t start the conversation.

I'm useless at confrontation and very used to keeping quiet to placate DH. I’ve been with him 24 years, my whole adult life. Currently he is in a very friendly, helpful mood - I know he is trying to be nice, he’ll have not even thought that I’d ever leave, but he knows things are not good.

I want to leave with DC and rent and for them to see him every Sunday, which is what they always do, he works long hours except Sundays.

Knowing I’m not forcing him out I think will help and I want to approach this to cause as little fuss as possible, I dread him getting angry and involving the children. For this reason I’m trying to hold out till the end of term, but things are awful.

How did your ending conversation come about and what did you say? What was the reaction?

Just said it and they just had to accept it. Said if on a morning just wasn't in love anymore and we need to part ways. Just say something like that and see what happens?

You may as well prepare for the worst. What do you think he will say/do once you tell him?

Genuinely the worst is that he stabs me - he’s never been physically violent so I think I’m really over thinking this but there is a tiny flicker in the back of my mind which makes me doubt myself.

Equally awful would for him to be shouting and screaming in front of children - this would be unbearable for us. We don’t argue - he rages at me, he hasn’t done for months but I know where it can go.

He might threaten to keep the kids, or persuade them to stay with him, he could do this I’m sure. He’s told me a number of times that divorce is the worst thing parents can do to a child.

(There is a cultural element here too but I don’t want a load of racist replies on here so am not going to say anything more about that)

Its mad because he’s currently texting me some really lovely things about today/our children, but it’s like I live with two different men.

He's sensing that you've had enough of him, so he's trying to hoover you back in. I suggest you contact women's aid for help and advice. Don't do anything that could put you or the children in danger.

I’ve got all the advice, ironically it’s my line of work but it’s different when it’s your children. That tiny flicker of doubt has held me back for a long time, there is always an element of danger.

Can you get everything lined up for the move before you tell him? Sorry op that you are in this situation, sending strength x

Not completely no, I wouldn’t want to move the kids in a day, it wouldn’t work practically and it would be a hell of hard thing for them to cope with, it also seems more confrontational.
I wouldn’t love to tell them first and prepare them but I will never actually put that on them, it would be really unfair.

What if he doesn’t agree your plan to take the children or to dictate he only has them
sundays?

I’m not sure. Realistically he can only see them Sundays and maybe briefly after school some evenings - I wouldn’t object to this and would be flexible and be led by kids, it wouldn’t be a big change for him or them, so this feels fairly reasonable. But I don’t know hence my fear.

In the last three years he has become emotionally and physically quite unwell, with a varying impact on his mental health and anger. I completely understand what’s happening with him and why but I no longer want to be around it.

I know he wouldn’t take me to court, I am 100% confident about this. But he could loose the plot and he could also pressurise the kids (who love him very much but also feel sorry for him, they’re kind and fair children who wouldn’t want him to be hurt)

I’m not trying to scare you
but it’s different seeing them only Sundays when you’re a family unit
when you’re not he’ll see you as controlling and trying to dictate and is likely to object and not agree. In reality it’s very little time.

you need to be prepared for this

That’s very true, I’ll leave it vague and not dictate… or I’ll more than likely leave it for 5 years

The best way to approach this is to separate put the news that you want to end the marriage. That is a unilateral decision anyone can make. Nobody can or should be forced to stay in relationship they don’t want to be in and it is a pointless endeavour anyway.

This is the thing you need to assert and stick to. That no matter what else happens the marriage is over and you will not be living together.

I think it is best to leave that decision there and let him get used to the idea.

Decisions on where you live and much time is spent with the children are not unilateral. The pair of you either need to agree them or you will go to court over it. If the children are older then they will have a say in where they live.

You need to have both of these discussions when the children aren’t around. Take some time out to have the discussions and avoid the conversations spilling into family life.

Again the decision to end the marriage is yours to make. The decision on other matters need his input and maybe the children’s input. Don’t presume or dictate your solution. That may only get his back up and he may just dig in. You may be right that it is the only practical solution but you are also over stepping and being high handed.